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Original poster

Partner is switched off

18 replies

StrawberryMary · 14/02/2026 13:52

And probably doesn't love me. We've only recently got a mortgage together and have an 8 year old. The idea of only seeing my girl 50% of the time is appalling but so is accepting no form of relationship at all.

I am going to try and make things better and engage him back in a life together but I'm not holding out a lot of hope.

I think he would take the view that this is better than no relationship and will just put up with it.

He didn't even get up until 1pm today, first day of any sun, doesn't want to go out with us. Feels like he is avoiding me and family life. He spends every evening in his study, glued to his phone.

OP posts:
Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 13:57

Head turned?

Original poster
StrawberryMary · 14/02/2026 14:14

No, works entirely remotely, doesn't have hobbies, barely does anything. Goes into himself and doesn't engage as a family or partner. He does cooking and school runs and plays with our child but nothing else.

OP posts:
Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 14:25

StrawberryMary · 14/02/2026 14:14

No, works entirely remotely, doesn't have hobbies, barely does anything. Goes into himself and doesn't engage as a family or partner. He does cooking and school runs and plays with our child but nothing else.

WFH doesn’t mean can’t have his head turned

Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 14:26

Do you love him)

Notmyreality · 14/02/2026 14:29

Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 14:25

WFH doesn’t mean can’t have his head turned

Show quote history

Says a lot about you that that is your first reaction.

OP from the way you’ve written this sounds like you haven’t even engaged with him and discussed this. Seem to be making a lot of assumptions. Have you actually talked about?

Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 14:46

Notmyreality · 14/02/2026 14:29

Says a lot about you that that is your first reaction.

OP from the way you’ve written this sounds like you haven’t even engaged with him and discussed this. Seem to be making a lot of assumptions. Have you actually talked about?

Show quote history

What? I have never cheated
I have never been cheated on

Endofyear · 14/02/2026 14:51

Has he always been like this? What was your relationship like before? I would talk to him and tell him you're not prepared to carry on with life like this and that he either does couples therapy with you or you'll leave.

JLou08 · 14/02/2026 15:19

He sounds depressed. Have you asked him what's going on?

Original poster
StrawberryMary · 14/02/2026 15:31

He has phases like this and has had depression in the past. I don't think either of us are great at communicating and tend to misinterpret the other. I thought finally getting housing sorted would make for a smoother place to rebuild but he's withdrawing.more.

Plus I have some resentment that I feel like I'm always having to cope or pull him out of a hole around being depressed.

I have spoken to him about this before. He gets dismissive, like me going out to an exercise class once a week means I have this massive lifestyle that he enables for me.

Am not in any way concerned that he's met someone else. I do think he's very capable of deciding this will do and he will put up with something rather than any harder path such as tryinf to.fix it or splitting up.

I do think quite a lot could be sorted by communication .

OP posts:
JLou08 · 14/02/2026 15:37

StrawberryMary · 14/02/2026 15:31

He has phases like this and has had depression in the past. I don't think either of us are great at communicating and tend to misinterpret the other. I thought finally getting housing sorted would make for a smoother place to rebuild but he's withdrawing.more.

Plus I have some resentment that I feel like I'm always having to cope or pull him out of a hole around being depressed.

I have spoken to him about this before. He gets dismissive, like me going out to an exercise class once a week means I have this massive lifestyle that he enables for me.

Am not in any way concerned that he's met someone else. I do think he's very capable of deciding this will do and he will put up with something rather than any harder path such as tryinf to.fix it or splitting up.

I do think quite a lot could be sorted by communication .

Instead of questioning if he loves you, you should be asking yourself if you want to be with him. It sounds like you don't.

Original poster
StrawberryMary · 14/02/2026 15:41

@JLou08 when he is like this, I think this can't be it. When he's happier and more involved, it can be good - h is funny and interesting and well read. But when he thinks it's ok to be in bed till 1pm every weekend and not be involved in life, I feel quite down.

He's also much happier when we have done stuff together so when he won't get involved it makes things worse.

I can't bear the idea of not being with my daughter 50% of the time.

OP posts:
aBuffetofunreasonableness · 14/02/2026 15:55

StrawberryMary · 14/02/2026 14:14

No, works entirely remotely, doesn't have hobbies, barely does anything. Goes into himself and doesn't engage as a family or partner. He does cooking and school runs and plays with our child but nothing else.

A boyfriend is for enhancing your life and making it easier and fun. Otherwise, What's the point?

Does he parent equally to you, now? Or why would you think he would if you were to dump him?

Rattai · 14/02/2026 16:10

What makes you so sure that he will want his daughter 50-50. Especially if he chooses to stay in bed until 1pm

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2026 16:32

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your parents own relationship like this?.

Do not blithely assume there will be a 50-50 arrangement going forward. He is more likely than not to either palm her off to his parents or alternatively see her every other weekend in a contact centre. Would you want contact between he and his DD to be formalised legally?. I would certainly consider a formal arrangement.

Given his priority is really work do you really think he will see his daughter half the week?. I cannot see him doing this at all and besides which where will she fit in with his work. Short answer is that she will not and his parenting is really the barest of bare minimums. You certainly do not lie in till 1pm every weekend like he does. Ok so he may demand 50/50 but you are her primary carer and 50-50 is a starting point, not an absolute given here.

This is who he is and I would not waste any more time wishing and or
hoping he is now somehow going to step up.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she leaning here from you both?. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing her, no it is not and it's not good enough for you either.

category12 · 14/02/2026 16:33

What makes you think you'd only have your dd half the time?

I know in theory it's what happens, but in practice? Not so much.

A lot of men say they want 50/50 as a way of frightening you off from splitting but in reality it ends up with the mother as primary carer as they don't sustain effort.

And you do get used to having some of your own time back.

Parrotstwice · 14/02/2026 16:39

StrawberryMary · 14/02/2026 13:52

And probably doesn't love me. We've only recently got a mortgage together and have an 8 year old. The idea of only seeing my girl 50% of the time is appalling but so is accepting no form of relationship at all.

I am going to try and make things better and engage him back in a life together but I'm not holding out a lot of hope.

I think he would take the view that this is better than no relationship and will just put up with it.

He didn't even get up until 1pm today, first day of any sun, doesn't want to go out with us. Feels like he is avoiding me and family life. He spends every evening in his study, glued to his phone.

Im currently in a situation similar.
How often have you tried to speak with him about it?
I tried many times and he'd improve for a while but then fall back into the complete withdrawal.
I dont think avoidant introverted personality people can help it. Im introverted myself but not THAT introverted. Its like hes happy because he has his family there but he doesn't want to emotionally engage at all.
Im coming to the conclusion that people like this can't really change and dont really want to. They will just say whatever you want to hear in the moment to make you be quiet.. but they wont put any work in long term on being genuinely emotionally present.
So its about what you decide you can live with.
If hes a good faithful man who is a good dad and does care.. you might be able to overlook his emotional abscence and need for space.
Unfortunately im finding i can't. Its also valid that you want to get your needs met. Spend some time together, feel heard and wanted. These are normal things to want and I think its totally valid to leave a relationship with a man who on the face of it is decent, but just isn't meeting these needs because hes withdrawn

Original poster
StrawberryMary · 14/02/2026 17:24

He will go for 50/50 because he does love her and already does 90% school drop.off.and pick up. He's quite involved while also being (I think) oddly selfish/refusing to deal with the issue.

I think @Parrotstwice has the most accurate picture of it rather than occasional meeting her through a contact centre.

He's not a workaholic, he does his hours and that's it, he just doesn't have a life around it. Says he doesn't like groups of people but also that he is lonely.

And yes he is a decent person and can be supportive and fun but he is so quick to then withdraw and just assume I will cover everything or that's enough for me.

OP posts:
Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 18:01

StrawberryMary · 14/02/2026 14:14

No, works entirely remotely, doesn't have hobbies, barely does anything. Goes into himself and doesn't engage as a family or partner. He does cooking and school runs and plays with our child but nothing else.

He sounds as though he’s staying purely for his child

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