I’m looking for some help with sorting out what is reasonable in this situation, and with managing my own emotions. I will do my best to keep this relatively brief. My partner and I have been together for approaching 2 years. When we met he was separated from his wife, but they were living together apart in what had been their family home (his children are now both young adults), and also had a second home at which spent a fair amount of time. Their expectation had been that this would be an ongoing arrangement, whereby both were free to date others but they would remain ‘best friends’ with closely intertwined lives.
This changed when he met me. We quickly fell in love with each other and it was clear from quite early on that our relationship was much more than casual dating. His wife found it difficult to accept this, but at first very little changed for her practically, apart from the knowledge that he had met someone who was becoming an important part of his life.
I accepted the situation and it was clear that he was trying hard to manage it with integrity and compassion, but things came to a head for me a couple of months into the relationship when he and his wife went on holiday to Japan (booked before we had met), and I found it incredibly difficult. In particular, I struggled with seeing their trip documented in detail on social media, but not being allowed to comment (as it would upset his wife, and because very few people knew about me – or even that they were no longer a couple). I was jealous of their holiday together, and I started to feel like his dirty little secret. I made my feelings known, and told him that I needed to step back from the relationship until he had done more to disentangle his life from that of his wife, and was willing to be less secretive about my existence.
Within hours of getting home, he and his wife had issued a joint statement on social media explaining that they were no longer living together as a couple, and they began the process of getting divorced. I was given ‘permission’ to comment on his posts, and he started spending more and more time at their second home.
Things have continued to go well between us. We spend a lot of time together and are both totally committed to building a future together. I have absolutely no concerns about possible infidelity on his part. But in recent months I have been finding his ongoing relationship with his (now ex) wife increasingly difficult. She goes to great lengths to avoid crossing paths with me (we haven’t met) yet still makes considerable demands on my partner for support, practical help and ongoing friendship. It is clear she still regards herself as having a special status in his life. I’m becoming less and less sympathetic – starting to hate her if I’m honest – and resentful of the fact that my partner is trying so hard to maintain the friendship. I really wish he would just step away, but – being so close to the situation – find it very hard to judge what is reasonable.
If any one has made it to the end of this, I would love to hear any insights you might have.