Reconciling going NC with parent

[Baconbapandalatte]

My relationship with my mother has always been strained. She never fails to disappoint. She's nearly 80 and is about to do something I'd expressly asked her not to do. I haven't heard from her in 6 weeks and now I know that this is the reason. She knows I didn't want her to proceed. I actually feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I am happy to never speak to her again.

However, I know that she'll somehow manage to make me feel shit. It would not surprise me if she goes to dignitias to end her life (she has hinted at this). She wouldn't tell anyone, it would be a final hurrah. She'd leave some kind of letter which will explain away all her shitty behaviour and tell everyone how much she loves them when the reality is she hasn't shown an ounce of empathy or care. I loather her and hate the power she has to make me feel so guilty.

If you've gone no contact with a parent, how did you reconcile that with feelings of guilt etc, particularly after they die.

Thank you

I haven’t spoken to my mother in years and will never again, not even when she is on her death bed. I feel no guilt! I have tried with her for years and she will never change. I’m looking after myself and my DC now, she is merely reaping that she has sown. If you know you aren’t to blame, there’s no need to feel guilt.

You are feeling guilty because you have been conditioned to believe that you must put your mother first "because she's your mum" regardless of how badly she treats you. Would you put up with her behaviour from a friend?

She has had the option to behave differently and has chosen not to. That is not your fault.

I am NC with my parents. If they came to me and apologised for their past behaviour and demonstrated that they were prepared to change, I would be back in contact in a heart beat. But, the reality is that they are not prepared to do this, we are only able to have a relationship on the basis they can treat me as badly as they want and I just have to put up with it. If they die without reconciling, that is on them, not me.

I'm NC with my mother. It'll be 14 years in May. And I have no interest in changing that.

She's in her late 70s now and, as far as I know, still alive - no one has told.me otherwise but I'm not sure anyone would either 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't feel any guilt.

I tried for so many years to be supportive to her, to try and build a relationship with her, to spend time with her and encourage a relationship between her and my children. I thought that if I could model what a healthy relationship could look like between us, she would see the benefit of having one with me.

It didn't work and not only did she use every opportunity as a chance to stick the knife in further, the final straw to me going NC was something that caused the police and SS to get involved and continued contact would have put me at risk of losing my children.

I know that I tried. I know that I supported her when others didn't. I know that there wasn't any more I could have done. She wanted a whipping boy and I was it.

I have nothing to feel guilty about. And neither do you.

Zero guilt, in fact all I feel is relief. I can’t see that changing.

Thank you. Rationally I know this but I just feel so saddened by what she's about to do. I should know better. She always does what suits her without a thought for anyone else. There is no coming back from this though and despite having an opportunity to make things different after another situation last year, she has continued with the same behaviours. I'm just so sad.

I think what you're looking for is acceptance. Accepting that you have no control over what she chooses to do and how she behaves, you can only control your reaction and response to it. It may be worth exploring this through counselling and that can help you find a way to let go of the guilt. It's ok to feel sad, it is sad when you don't have the relationship with a parent that you would hope for.

I've seen going NC described as a type of grief. You are not grieving for the parent but for the loss of the relationship that you wanted and should have had.
And grief heals with time although there will always be some underlying pain. This is the same.

I’ve never had any feelings of guilt. I’m not here to burn myself down to keep everyone else warm.

I was very clear with my mum that if she wanted to have a relationship with me then she needed to do x and y to enable us to heal the damage she had caused. She said she didn’t care and would never change and if that meant she never saw me or her grandchildren again, then she never would. So she hasn’t. She had absolute free will and she didn’t choose to have us in her life. I have no guilt about that.

She will eventually die (she’s 76) and is completely alone, all family no contact with her as are her partner’s children and grandchildren. But she chose that. It’s sad for her, but you can lead a horse to water and all.

What did help me a lot though was therapy. I have a lot of insight into the relationship and what I need to keep myself healthy and well and it’s not her drama. I come first as do my children, and that’s that.

She always does what suits her without a thought for anyone else

She is thinking of other people though, she is so inadequate she needs to feed off other people's reactions to her behaviour.

You say you wouldn't be surprised if she ends her life at Dignitas and leaves a letter to tell everyone she loves them. What better way for, as you say, her last hurrah (it reminds me of my ex putting the back of his hand to his forehead, I shit you not, and said "It would have been better for everyone if I'd just died!"). They need to be the hero/victim in their own story, they need other people for supply because they can't nourish themselves.

The healthiest thing you can do for you @Baconbapandalatte is not to react. Grey rock if you have to have any interaction at all with her but if you can avoid having any contact that sounds like the better option.

She's not going to change, you have to protect yourself from any more of her manipulation. If she chooses to end her life as a hurrah or 'fuck you' to you or anyone else, that is on her, for her own benefit, and is not something you should ever feel guilty about. Never feel bad about protecting yourself, especially when it's something you shouldn't have to do

Interesting reading. This was my DH not me, but I lived for 20 years with the problems caused by his M. She walked out when he was 7, b 6, s7. Went off with another man told me herself she didn't want 3 kids under 3! Then promptly had a baby with the new man..his df got custody,had to move in with his paternal GM for child care..
This was in the 1960s, no therapy. He didn't see his m for 15 years,he hated her. It was never discussed,we were told you mustn't upset mother by mentioning anything. She ruled the roost. Bil had had many fallings out with her and got nc for several years (decided he preferred her money through) she was a bully,took over our wedding, then my Ds wedding, she was no relation and hadn't even seen him since our wedding. Till he was 60, DH had serious mental health issues and phobias, agoraphobia,related to going out. His m waited till the kids were at school and left. He had years of psychiatry antidepressants, got worse had breakdowns. He couldn't go out on his own.Hypnosis. However, after ds wedding and all the lies she told,he said that's it, went nc with m, and siblings,17 years ago. They never had a good word to say about their m,yet took her side. He said it was the best decision he had ever made. Said to me (and himself) I am done with feeling ill, depressed, stressed, anxious, and it has pretty much worked for 7 years.

Hi Bacon

my parent had always been spiteful from an early age and it still took me until they were nearly 80. The thought that kept me going is that if my parent had ever had 5 minutes of empathy and clarity they would have told me to get away and stay away from them. I could see clearly that while they did the bare minimum it was only to keep me around for the appearance of being a loving parent and for the opportunity to be cruel to me when they were having a hard time (all the time).

Parent died a while after and my lasting regret is that I could have got away sooner if only I had the courage to see the situation clearly without all the pity they cloaked themselves with. none of the times you allowed the harm to go unchallenged for their benefit did anything other than strengthen the dynamic. Take some sort of comfort in the knowledge that you were and are unable to warm her up inside

if only I had the courage to see the situation clearly without all the pity they cloaked themselves with

Once you become aware that someone's behaviour is all about them and nothing to do with anything you've said or done you can start to look at them more objectively; distance yourself a bit and just watch without reacting. It can be fascinating to see all the hoops they jump through to try and get back the power they had over you.

I don't even think it's about power. She actually doesn't care. She is entirely ambivalent. She does things because they suit her, she actually doesn't care how it impacts on anyone else. It's me that let's her have power by enabling her behaviour.

I'm very emotionally detached from her now but the most recent thing she has done has a material impact on me as well as an emotional cost (think getting rid of a family heirloom without telling me despite knowing that I would have liked to keep it and buy it off her if I could). I'm done with her.

Oh, they care. It's all about control. Hence the Dignitas thing - the final act of control, one way or another. Either she guilts you into compliance or she gets to choose her end.

This is why you feel guilt - you have been conditioned by her to 'enable' her. Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) are the tools of these people.

Also - and as someone with normal human empathy, this can eb hard to get your head around - some of them like to hurt others. And then act like 'oh, I just didn't think!'

I didn't go NC with my mother because I love my Dad. I even became her carer after he died, because of who I am, nothing to do with her. Once she went into a care home I backed right off, and when she was dying I stopped visiting completely.

As a PP mentioned, I had mourned the mother-daughter relationship I would have loved to have had with her, a long time before she died. Her death was nothing other than a relief.

Counselling can help you to discern the difference between appropriate guilt (when you have done something to harm another person) and inappropriate guilt, when you have been made responsible for another person's emotions when you have acted in a perfectly normal way.

Also to discover your boundaries. When a parent doesn't allow you to differentiate from them, you remain enmeshed - having no boundaries between
you and them (hence feeling responsible for their emotions). It keeps you in the state of being a baby - completely under their control.

Dr Karyl McBride's book 'Will I Ever Be Good Enough?' is one I highly recommend.

I agree with @ChristmasFluff , they do care. They can be so believable with their "Oh dear, what happened there?" shit when it was them who planned it and did it, just at the right time to suit them.

I was with my ex for 30 years but it wasn't until I was away from him that I had the clarity (that FOG thing again) to actually recognise that I had been living under his control. I know that'll sound ridiculous to some but when you're under their cloud they keep your head filled with their shit intentionally so you don't have the headspace to see their behaviour for what it is. As he rewrote our history to suit his narrative to other people and to justify his behaviour to himself, I had to rewrite mine to put so many situations and events that had been puzzling, heartbreaking or just mindblowingly batshit, but explained away by him oh so casually, into the reality of what they had been. Their behaviours are deliberate, no matter how innocent they can appear.

Some people say just turn your back and move on (ha, if only) but this kind of behaviour towards a person leaves scars that run deep and can affect you for the rest of your life. It's good to discuss it with those who understand.

Do you have a garden @Baconbapandalatte ? If so you could plant something to remind you of the person the heirloom is from, the one who came before your mother obviously, and it will grow and flourish as your hurt diminishes

Your poor DH. I’m struggling with my MH agorophobia ptsd etc for the last few years after a breakdown. It’s not a nice way to have to live. I thought mine was ‘only’ due to past traumas from men but I had therapy and realised it all stems from my emotional neglectful childhood, different reasons . He’s the eldest I see as I was, I think when you are the older one you have to take on all the responsibilities and you just don’t count. I hope he carries on having a better life.

As for me well I’m estranged from my family as all of my siblings decided to turn on me and kick me out. I talk to both parents when I can.

op I’m no help I’m afraid my situation is complicated and different to yours but you have my sympathies.

OneNewEagle,no, his sister was the eldest 8,I accidentally typed 7.. It was actually her that caused the massive fall out from my ds wedding..

I think for many people it's very hard to sever contact as it's really the end of hope for a loving relationship and when it comes down to it, she's your mum and there is a blood link.

But sometimes it is necessary. Everything that you do from your side to have a loving relationship fails because a relationship is a two-way thing and her side is missing.

Often there has been intense maternal indifference to the point of callousness, or even active cruelty. Or simple (or complicated) incompetence at being healthily loving.

It hurts, it hurts a lot, but sometimes severing the link is the only thing left for us to do to look after ourselves.

(Btw I hear you on the heirloom front. Happened to me too. Wont ever stop being a painful point).

NC with my dad for 20 years, LC with my mum for 10.
NC in a way is easier because it's actually finished. You grieve, you recover. But it is over.
LC is much harder because you still have to see them. Mum lives 5 minutes away, with the added complication that she was surprisingly a good grandparent, so I can't go NC because of the kids.
I can't offer advice other than it does get easier.

Have you had any professional support @Baconbapandalatte ?

There's a lot in your original post that suggests to me that a lot of your misery is coming from trying to control a situation that frankly you have no control over.

She's nearly 80 and is about to do something I'd expressly asked her not to do.

She is an adult, not a child, she does not need your permission. She gets to make her own decisions and she doesn't need your approval.

I know that she'll somehow manage to make me feel shit.

Your feelings are your problem. Not hers.

I'm not trying to say that she's a decent person and you are the one in the wrong, far from it. FWIW I was NC with one parent from late teens until death, and I'm LC with the other, so I get where you are coming from, and I understand what having awful parents is like. I have also had to do an awful lot of work on how their behaviour led to me developing unhealthy behaviours of my own, and one of those was that I became very controlling, although I didn't realise it was controlling because it masqueraded as being helpful. I tried to 'fix' everyone around me whether they wanted it or not. With my father, I always tried to keep his mood positive because he was so bloody scary when his mood turned sour.

I can't change them. I had to change myself for my own long term well being and health. I had to learn to say no, to let other people be unhappy, and to accept my mother as she is, not as I would like her to be. There was no amount of fixing I could do that would ever make her value me as anything other than a support human. And I had to accept my own feelings and not be afraid of them or try to avoid them. So it's better to feel guilty than continue trying to fix my mother, because I can't fix her.