Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to live together while separated

22 replies

SharpBluePoster · 13/02/2026 07:37

I posted on here previously about my husband suddenly leaving me a few weeks ago. He did initially go and stay with his dad but now he is back in our house and refusing to leave until I buy him out, which of course take a while.

He is away this weekend in France on a group trip including the much younger woman he cheated on me with and who caused the end of our marriage. So I am left here knowing he is spending Valentine’s Day weekend with the other woman and I am expected to be civilised when he gets home?

I am struggling with living with him so much because I am consumed by rage and hatred. I caused a big argument with him last night. I could feel my blood boiling as I was travelling home from work so I text him pleading with him to just go and stay at his dad’s but he refused, so I went nuclear when I got home to the extent the neighbours came round to see if I was OK!

He keeps saying he wants everything to be amicable and us to live together peacefully but I just can’t do this, I absolutely hate every atom of his being.

I don’t want to leave the house, the divorce lawyer advised against it, and why should I, I am not the one who ended the marriage and I love my house! Plus I can afford to buy him out. So why can’t he just sod off! What I hate most is how much he has hurt me and now he is making life even more shit for me.

Any advice welcome. I need to get on top of my anger.

OP posts:
Thereisalight4 · 13/02/2026 07:45

Start the divorce - you can do that online for £600 - do nothing for him - do you have a spare room he can go in?

Original poster
SharpBluePoster · 13/02/2026 07:49

Thereisalight4 · 13/02/2026 07:45

Start the divorce - you can do that online for £600 - do nothing for him - do you have a spare room he can go in?

I have started the process with a lawyer. Yes, he is in the spare room in the attic.

OP posts:
Livelovelaughfuckoff · 13/02/2026 07:58

I’m not sure there is much you can do to make him leave. I would channel my inner Ice Queen and completely ignore and blank him at all times (any required communication can be via email) then I’d engage in a campaign of death by a thousand petty, passive aggressive paper cuts.

Can you finds way to be out of the house as much as possible? Seeing friends, family, go to the gym, find new groups or hobbies. Start building up your new life without him.

Grumpynan · 13/02/2026 08:08

I agree to cut him off, don’t talk to him unless extreme circumstances. I assume you’re not washing cooking etc for him. If he enters a room you leave, if he comes into a room you’re actively doing something in, then ask him to come back later when you’re finished. If need be explain nicely you are respecting is wish to live separate lives.

as for this weekend, it sucks really really sucks, but I know it’s hard, but when he comes back do not under any circumstances let him see it bothers you. You hadn’t even noticed he’d gone kind of response.

start doing your own thing, have friends round, there’s nothing more isolating than being in a house where a party is happening and you’re not involved and have to shut yourself in a room.

Original poster
SharpBluePoster · 13/02/2026 08:13

Grumpynan · 13/02/2026 08:08

I agree to cut him off, don’t talk to him unless extreme circumstances. I assume you’re not washing cooking etc for him. If he enters a room you leave, if he comes into a room you’re actively doing something in, then ask him to come back later when you’re finished. If need be explain nicely you are respecting is wish to live separate lives.

as for this weekend, it sucks really really sucks, but I know it’s hard, but when he comes back do not under any circumstances let him see it bothers you. You hadn’t even noticed he’d gone kind of response.

start doing your own thing, have friends round, there’s nothing more isolating than being in a house where a party is happening and you’re not involved and have to shut yourself in a room.

No, I have never washed or cooked for him in his life. In fact, he is washing and cooking for me.

One thing I was really looking forward to about being separated was having friends and family round to the house, as he hates it, so I never invite them. He even complains when my little 3-year old nephew comes round, which upsets me so much. So I could keep inviting everyone over, that will drive him mad, and then maybe realise he will be better off at his dad’s.

OP posts:
greencheetah · 13/02/2026 08:24

I wouldn’t eat anything he was cooking for me. Trust me on this.

Livelovelaughfuckoff · 13/02/2026 08:54

Oh that’s perfect, invite people over as much as you can! Time to start living the life you want. He doesn’t get a say in who comes to the house anymore. I suggest a mass gathering to welcome him home from his little trip.

Original poster
SharpBluePoster · 13/02/2026 09:26

Livelovelaughfuckoff · 13/02/2026 08:54

Oh that’s perfect, invite people over as much as you can! Time to start living the life you want. He doesn’t get a say in who comes to the house anymore. I suggest a mass gathering to welcome him home from his little trip.

Love this idea

OP posts:
livingthenotebook · 13/02/2026 11:12

Have friends and family around, have dineer parties, have play dates......go on a date!

Original poster
SharpBluePoster · 13/02/2026 13:00

livingthenotebook · 13/02/2026 11:12

Have friends and family around, have dineer parties, have play dates......go on a date!

I will do all of this but don’t think I could do a date. I hate men at the moment but I just can’t stomach the idea of dating while still living with my husband. I know he is with the other woman as we speak but I just couldn’t do it myself. Maybe I should change my mindset on that

OP posts:
MissCooCooMcgoo · 13/02/2026 13:07

SharpBluePoster · 13/02/2026 13:00

I will do all of this but don’t think I could do a date. I hate men at the moment but I just can’t stomach the idea of dating while still living with my husband. I know he is with the other woman as we speak but I just couldn’t do it myself. Maybe I should change my mindset on that

Show quote history

Arrange to go out out with friends, get all dolled up. Don't answer him when he asks, make sure your phone is on loud at home and all notifications are on so you sound very popular. Rinse and repeat. Not with a view to get him back of course. Just to fuck with his head.

livingthenotebook · 13/02/2026 13:23

MissCooCooMcgoo · 13/02/2026 13:07

Arrange to go out out with friends, get all dolled up. Don't answer him when he asks, make sure your phone is on loud at home and all notifications are on so you sound very popular. Rinse and repeat. Not with a view to get him back of course. Just to fuck with his head.

Show quote history

This. And if you don't want to date, stick one of your mates numbers in under a blokes name, nice to meet you the other night, something along them lines, leave you phone on the side.

Original poster
SharpBluePoster · 15/02/2026 06:54

I have had a nice peaceful weekend without him. But now the anxiety is starting to rise thinking about him returning from his trip with her. I cannot believe I am living like this.

OP posts:
bbcnewsboos · 15/02/2026 06:59

SharpBluePoster · 15/02/2026 06:54

I have had a nice peaceful weekend without him. But now the anxiety is starting to rise thinking about him returning from his trip with her. I cannot believe I am living like this.

in these situations what happens long term with the house ? I presume you’re joint tenants so how does that work, will someone leave eventually or does it have to go to court and s judge orders a sale ? I ask because my friend is also living the same way and she feels really trapped due to low wages

Lennonjingles · 15/02/2026 07:03

@SharpBluePoster It’s incredibly cruel of your DH, anyone with feelings could see how upsetting it is to have him living there until you sort out finances. Why can’t he move in with other woman.

Original poster
SharpBluePoster · 15/02/2026 07:40

bbcnewsboos · 15/02/2026 06:59

in these situations what happens long term with the house ? I presume you’re joint tenants so how does that work, will someone leave eventually or does it have to go to court and s judge orders a sale ? I ask because my friend is also living the same way and she feels really trapped due to low wages

Show quote history

I am buying him out. He is going to stay until he gets his money apparently

OP posts:
Original poster
SharpBluePoster · 15/02/2026 07:41

Lennonjingles · 15/02/2026 07:03

@SharpBluePoster It’s incredibly cruel of your DH, anyone with feelings could see how upsetting it is to have him living there until you sort out finances. Why can’t he move in with other woman.

She’s very young and I think she lives with her parents or with friends. She’s not in a position to house my 45 year old husband

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 15/02/2026 07:45

This sounds horrible. Use the time to clear out his stuff and work out how you're splitting joint possessions?

Diarygirlqueen · 15/02/2026 11:52

It's extremely cruel of him OP, I hope you remember how he is treating you.
Good luck xx

Original poster
SharpBluePoster · 15/02/2026 11:56

Diarygirlqueen · 15/02/2026 11:52

It's extremely cruel of him OP, I hope you remember how he is treating you.
Good luck xx

It’s unbearable cruelty. I am stunned someone who once loved me could think this is OK. Don’t worry, I will never ever forget this feeling.

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 15/02/2026 12:13

I’m so sorry you are being put through this, it’s incredibly cruel, especially as you are going to buy him out anyway rather than sell the house. Why can’t he stay at his Dad’s house?

Has he admitted to the affair and that he’s now seeing her?

Original poster
SharpBluePoster · 15/02/2026 19:51

Inthedeep · 15/02/2026 12:13

I’m so sorry you are being put through this, it’s incredibly cruel, especially as you are going to buy him out anyway rather than sell the house. Why can’t he stay at his Dad’s house?

Has he admitted to the affair and that he’s now seeing her?

He is just uncomfortable at his dad’s. His dad’s is a tiny little flat and he doesn’t have all his creature comforts there and nice office etc.
He will only admit to an emotional affair, nothing more. He says they are just friends now. All lies I’m sure. A few weeks ago he was so utterly infatuated with her he threw his marriage away.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page