my DH told me he watches porn but I don't know how or where

[LucyLoo1972]

My DH told me one night that he has watched porn because it has been a terribel time coping with me being very severely mentally unwell (id had psychosis and it turned our whole world upside down). one of the stressful factors befroe the psychosis was our lack of intimacy and lack of physical affection from him to me.

The puzzling thing to me is that I have no clue where he accuses the porn he watches. He does not have a smartphone just an old Nokia thing so its not on that as it doesnt connect to the internet.

we shared a laptop - and id often check the history - usually to find something id searched for prior and never ever saw anything then.

one time I caught him watching basestation on the tv as he'd fallen asleep on the sofa and left it on. Surely ot goodness this isnt what he was referring to?

I would say he is very very prudish about sex. He saw me reading sex tip from Cosmo magazine on my phone in an attempt to thin aobut how to deal with our non existent sex life and you would think it was hard core pornogrpahy - he went absolutely batshit crazy and left me in central London and I was still very mentally poorly.

im sut struggling to understand it? I have asked him but he refuses to answer. things are so unutterably hard between us becasue of the things that have happened since I became so mentally unwell becasue I can see a lot of ways he was impacting my life in stressful ways, mostly with fiancail control and being dismissive avoidant.

anybody any thoughts?

He acnt watch it at work because the nature of the organisation he owls fro means that they have watertight filters.

He’s likely watching it on the laptop and then deleting the history?

I don’t think the device he used to access it really matters tbh, not when he sounds unhinged and abusive.

Youre probably unwell because of him. He sounds very unkind OP.

Please reach out to a female gp and maybe call Women's Aid for a chat?

I do think a lot of the stress that triggered the psychosis was related to him. its a long story but some of itnwas very directly related.

which part makes you say youtihnk he's unkind.

My GP knows all about everything and I spoke to Womens Aid a few weeks ago.

I cant owrk at the moment although do have soem money form my mums inheritance. im so mentally unwell when I was so so happy and successful before. id acheived so much in my life when id Orem form a very abusive and poor family.i got a PhD from an elite university and then submitted and went into the psychosis.

ok - thank you. yes I tihnk it must be that probably.

@LucyLoo1972 op you have posted many many times about this man. Is there any reason you won't leave him?

I really feel for you, please let us help you leave your abuser. There's so much help and advice out there and on here.

You won't get better until you leave him, and you deserve to get better. You deserve it.

I do deserve to get better. I know I do. I worked so hard and gave everythign for him and for everybody else. I knuckled down and worked so hard to produce world class research which was to help marginalised and devalued people. then everythign even my physical health was taken away.

we had never even had a proper row ever becasue I never questioned anythign. ever thigns that were really hard. I think becasue we never rowed and he never ever raised his voice to me or frightened me he was the only place id ever felt safe in my life. but I did all the heavy lifting of everything and he didnt help me enough when I really needed it. I asked for so so little for him.

but how can it be abusive when he was so gentle with me and we got along so well and had so many of the same interests?

I aslo struggel to leave because im a crazy person now when I was so stable and successful and respected befreo. I lost all my friends when I got unwell and ll the communities I was part of. I have loved him and given everythign to him for 30 years. I blame myself now for not challenging any of the things that were so difficult for me when I see on Mumsnet people would be upset about 1 of 50 things that were going on.

Well, there's no point in blaming yourself for things in the past, @LucyLoo1972. You were operating from a base of incorrect information because your life had not taught you how to have a healthy, balanced, constructive marriage. You're getting better information now.

He isn't prudish, by the way. That was all part of his mission to devalue and intimidate you.

It's very good to hear you talked to Women's Aid. How was it for you? Any actionable points, and are you going to talk again?

One rule for me
another rule for thee.

He left you in central London and went crazy when you apparently were looking at something not porn at all but he uses it and has his get out jail free card “I won’t discuss it” repsonse?

This is abusive. You are better off not having him in your life.

yes - my parents marriage was hideous and my father was a violent alcholoci and my mum parentified me and was neglectful and abusive herself.

im diagnosed with CPTSD so my therpsit explains the way my behaviours were trauma responses.

yes - I took the advice form people who had commented on my threads and got in touch with Womens Aid. they were very very good and supportive.they taled to me for a long time and have given me the number for a solicitor practice who can help offer me some initial free advice. Woems Aid said that they think the marriage was abusive even befroe my breakdown but I have trouble seeing that when I felt so happy. in so many ways he was upporitve and we shared all the same interests.

there is no doubt that the situation I am in post breakdwon is untenable and has become abusive. im ashamed ot say that after my breakdwon and when I could see soem of the behaviours that had worn me down I was so so filled with rage. id never once expressed anger to him befroe but it allocate out like a volcano when I got unwell. whenever id wanted to talk about anything he had alwasy shut me down before. I was just wild when I was in psychosis. I felt my whole soul had been taken away - never mind my work. I cant even read a book or watch tv for NINE years.

I am going to speak to Womens Aid again after I have contacted the solicitor. I have soem inheritance money and friends who have offered to be a guarantorr fro me.

I didnt know he had been looking at porn when that incident happened and maybe he hadn't? I dont know. I blame myself becasue we had a lot of sexual dysfunction in our marriage and initially it was becasue of me becasue I had vaginismus but he opulent even really speak to me about it. he never got angry or pressurised me though. I have a lot of self blame. I had a lot of childhood trauma which I think is the root of he vaginismus. id doen so well to build he beautiful life I had made and its all been taken away form me.

what do you mean by the part where you say he wasn't prudish and it was to devalue me?

I honestly feel so sorry for him for the pain my breakdown has caused him

You were looking at a normal women's magazine for inspiration on how to improve your sex life.

If he was a normal person who cared about you, he would see this and feel empathy for you. He would see that your reading this showed your love for him and hopes of more relaxed intimacy/sex. He'd reassure you.

What he did was accuse you of absurd things, bearing no relation to a sex article in Cosmopolitan. He tried to make you feel dirty and inadequate. He shamed you, knowing how this would hurt you.

To cap it off he left you, distressed and frightened, in the middle of London.

All of this was deliberate. It had nothing to do with 'prudishness'. That's an interpretation you made in order to try and explain his outrage to yourself. But he wasn't outraged. He merely saw an opportunity to bring you down, and made the most of it.

I do hope you'll soon see that you need to feel sorry for your past self, not him! It seems the 'pain' your breakdown has caused him is disappointment that he can't take quite as much advantage of you, now you aren't bringing in so much money for him and haven't been able to run around trying to make him happy.

He is the main CAUSE of your breakdown, not its victim.

It's true to say none of this would've happened if the course of your life had been smoother - but, in that case, you wouldn't have chosen a partner like him. A husband who genuinely cared for you would have helped and supported you with the bullying issues at work. He would've made you feel good about yourself, powerful and safe.

This is all spilt milk now but, the sooner you see what he is, the closer you'll be to healing in freedom.

thank you. I feel ive let myself down so badly. everythign had been hard work for me because I battled CPTSD symptoms everyday so struggled with executive function and I did so much. I did everything for both of us.

I think you are right in your interpretation aobut the cosmo magazine. I was very very shocked. honestly - I think for whatever reason he refuses to see me as a sexual person.

It sounds like his porn comment is just another way to destabilise you so you don't feel good enough and throwing in how awful he's had it because of you, so you feel more shame & guilt when your unwell and that isn't your fault at all.
I agree with others that he's emotionally abusive and your MH will likely improve when not dealing with these minds games and uncertainty.

It’s rare for a person to be abusive 100% of the time. That’s why it can be so hard to leave. The father of my DC could be lovely, but he also had a nasty side and once didn’t speak to me for 6wks. It’s hard to leave, it really is. I’ve seen many of your posts, on many boards here, and I really think you need to leave this man. You’ll be so much happier i’m sure. I assume you’ve had a lot of therapy?

Re the porn, who knows, maybe he deletes the browser history. In the grand scheme of things, this is far from your biggest problem. Take your inheritance and buy yourself a small place and start afresh without him. I’m sure you’ll feel so much happier in the long run Lucy.

before my breakdwon we never had periods of falling out, we never even had an argument. I never felt scared or walking on eggshells.

I guess if anything it was the absence of things rather than things he did. but I allowed it all to happen.