How much care should I expect from DH after surgery?

[Kez26]

Hi MN
I’ve just had day surgery at hospital on my legs for my varicose veins which caused me pain for years, I’m only 30 and normally fit and healthy. DH and I have a 4 year old and 1 year old. DH works very hard and does long hours outdoors so he’s shattered most days and I’m a SAHM, I take care of all the kids and household. He does help sometimes with bedtime if he’s home early enough and clean enough and is involved with the family at the weekend. Sometimes though, he reminds me of a big kid, he can’t fully engage in family life and being a parent, at the weekend when he’s home with us all, it’s like he can’t wait to get back to work, I don’t feel he appreciates us at all.
So, the night before my surgery, he cuddled me in bed and told me how he’s going to look after me the next few days. I had my surgery today and he had the day off work to take care of the kids, do school drop off and luckily I was in and out of hospital so he collected me, got me some food and took me home. Me, DH and baby all took a nap together and I then done some light housework, tidying up. Housework doesn’t come natural to DH and he’s a bit messy so I just began to do my usual bits. DH picked up DS from school, took him to the park and I had run a bath for the kids while he was out. I was resting my leg and I said could you bath the kids? He said “Wow you’re taking the mick now” I was taken a back. He begrudgingly bathed them and I had a quiet word saying “If this was you after surgery, would you expect me to do everything with the kids and house while you rest?” He then proceeded to say that I am milking my operation now and don’t expect me him to run around tomorrow night after a long day at work. I was too stunned to speak and walked off. Luckily my mum is with me during the day tomorrow to help with bits but why was he so cruel with his words? He said this is what happens when I’m at home all bloody day! Basically saying he can’t bear not being at work. Once kids in bed I’m going to try have a conversation about this. I just don’t know how to feel.

This isn't about your operation. This is about you living with a man who doesn't want to be part of your or the kids' lives. Unfortunately his actions back up his words. X

I'd be absolutely devastated if my DH behaved like that

God that’s awful. I am having day surgery in a couple of weeks, DH has taken time off work so I don’t have to be solo with the kids for at least a week and I know he will do absolutely everything needed while I’m recovering, it’s not even a discussion we need to have.

He sounds awful - sorry, OP.

Men get very upset when their wife appliances malfunction

Sorry OP he sounds like an arsehole! What you should have done is go to bed when you got home and rest. Don't start trying to do housework and running around after the kids. Can you ask your mum to stay a few days?

Why don’t you go home with your mum tomorrow night and leave him to look after the kids all weekend while you get some proper rest at her house?

We’ve just had a chat and he’s said he was joking about taking the mick about bathing the kids and that I took it the wrong way ( yeah, right) He’s said he got the hump when I said about what would happen if the roles reversed so that’s why he made a dig about me milking it now. He didn’t mean any of it and he is sorry. Changed his tune and tried being nice to me.
My guess he’s glad the days over now and he gets to go back to work. I totally agree I should have just gone to bed. Funnily, the times I’ve completely chosen to rest , got into bed - he’s happily let me get on with it. If I would have just rested he probably would have leave me be. After our chat, he’s proceeded to tell me about the plans for valentines, booked a baby sitter there and then and called the restaurant to make a reservation. Told me he’s so looking forward to our ‘date’ just the two of us.
Honestly I think there’s so much to deal with here that’s unhealthy. Perosnally I feel so fed up with family life, me being sick has highlighted it because he’s had to he the default parent today. I don’t really know where we go from here

Meant to say I feel HE’S fed up with family life

He’s in my opinion, half of a whole. The whole being the marriage, so when one half of things is/are unable to function as normal, the other half simply takes over to make the ‘whole’ thing work. - It’s natural isn’t it?

I’m not sure your husband sees himself in this light. Unfortunately I feel he sees as stepping in to do today as doing you a favour. Yes he works, but he has more parts to his life than that. You need his help and support atm, not unreasonable, he needs to step up BIG time and save his nasty comments for those that want to hear them!

When you say "help" you infer that it's all your work and he is doing a favour for you.

Language matters.

Sorry OP have just read yr update. I hope he means what he says. His Valentines plan show he’s put a little thought into something nice for you both.

I mean, he's apologised and tried to make amends with Saturday. On the surface, I'd let him make amends and see what happens. You absolutely did the right thing pulling in up on it, and it sounds like that needs to happen more often. Stop tolerating his shif. He'll either pull his big boy pants up and step up or he won't. You can decide what happens then.

As others have said you need to change your language. I bet when you are looking after your DC or doing chores you don’t see it as helping him, you see it as parenting and looking after the house. So don’t see it as him helping you, he is parenting (or should be)