lack of grief - is this normal (TW - death & illness)

[achromaticdudgeon]

Just before Christmas My father died - swiftly, unexpectedly and with confusion and disarray around him.

Not how anyone would have liked to go. Alone in an unfamiliar place, as family were scrambling to get flights/travel arrangements to be with him.

We later learned that he had lied (to himself mainly) and travelled despite being unwell with a terminal cancer diagnosis and without insurance. (He had decided that, as he felt well in himself, the diagnosis was incorrect)

It caused a HUGE financial impact on family getting out there, cost for repatriation, organisation of local services and admin issues - a wild amount of stress as the location he was in was so remote and only had basic medical care. It turned out he also couldn't cover the costs he had run up, despite telling the locals he could. Which soured our dealings locally, as he had been promising payment to people who were legitimately helping him out, costing them time and money.

I managed to arrive just as he was in the process of being whisked away for a medical intervention at a separate location - so I had a short, rushed conversation with him about logistics (at that point, we were not aware that his time was short, so nothing meaningful was said) - he died in transit.

After this, on arriving back home, several dramas hit in quick succession - ranging from a big water leak from the header tank in the loft, to my car being significantly damaged in a hit and run, pet illness (thankfully recovered) and a huge crisis at work which meant it was all hands to the wheel. All causing additional cost or stress on top of the ones to sort out my Dad.

In amongst this whirlwind of correspondence, planning, money worries, and liaising with countless companies, I seem to have lost the fact that my dad died.

Now that everything is pretty much resolved, I was expecting the reality to hit..... but I feel like it's there, I know it to be true - but any feeling is absent (apart from anger at the situation we got left in)

Is this normal?

It sounds like you've had a hell of a lot happen in 2 months. Give yourself time to catch a breath. In time you still start to process what has happened but it doesn't need to be immediately.

My condolences to you, for such a traumatic experience. What you’ve been through is extremely … unusual- it feels clumsy to describe it as “not normal “.

People experience events in different ways and it’s quite possible that you’ll feel very little for some time to come. For now, wait to see what memories of your father will surface; some will be from many years ago. Hold them, observe them and see what happens.

My final thought is that if anyone mentions Kübler- Ross’s stages of grief to you then run a mile. Research has consistently shown these to be fallacious and harmful. You will experience and re-experience different emotions at different times for the rest of your life. Give yourself a chance to settle down and, above all, make no judgment about yourself based on what you are, or are not feeling at any particular time.

Good wishes xx

Thank you for your kind replies.

I think what's making me ask the question is how other people seem to be viewing my absolute lack of emotion in the matter.

To be clear, there has been no judgement and there has been a general understanding from people around me that there is no 'normal' path in grief. But I think people are getting worried that this is some form of avoidance or a maladaptive coping situation and that I am moving towards a huge breakdown. (mainly my DH who seems to be gently concerned that I am just marching on with life as if nothing happened)

Friends, family and even work are treating me like I am made of spun sugar and prone to collapse at any moment in a heap of screaming unrealised emotion (I am a calm, steady, fairly stoic person anyway, so I am very unsure why this sudden kid gloves handling is necessary)

Anything is possible. You may process grief in this detached stoic way and be perfectly fine. Or, you may indeed collapse unexpectedly. Nobody knows.
I was similarly calm and stoic after a life-altering event. And then, five months later I had a dissociative episode in the middle of Lidl and all came out at once.
For the moment, accept that people will be worried about you and it's not a bad thing. Hopefully, all will settle without collapse.

I think maybe we need to unpack this a little more (I am not a psychiatrist).

How was your relationship with your DF before he died? He sounds like quite a difficult person.

When my father died suddenly I was upset for a while, but not long term. Because he, too, had been an awkward bugger.

So there may not be an inevitable "collapse" on the way, OP.

A lot will depend on your relationship with your father and whether there was unfinished business with him, positive or negative. It may be that the whirlwind has carried you through the initial stages, and you are in a perfectly healthy place for now.

I went back to work 2 days after my beloved mum died - sitting around weeping and being incapable just isn't what I am; I thrive on powering through and being capable and an organiser. You do you, that's fine.

I agree with @olderbutwiser .

Also, OP, it seems like there might be a lot of resentment attached to the position he got himself into, and the position he got you all into.

Grief is rarely uncomplicated, OP.

As others are saying - it probably depends on your long term relationship . I didn’t have a good relationship with my mum and found other people’s sympathy really hard . I was grieving but more for the relationship that we didn’t have . My reaction to the death of my lovely dad was very different and much more long lasting.

I was really close to my Dad when he died but he was old and had terminal cancer so when he dies I mostly felt relief for him and for us as a family. I felt sad but I didn’t even cry. The rest of my family are similar. We can chat about him and we feel sad but there has never been any wailing or crying or feeling extremely sad over it. We didn’t have a funeral or service either. It may seem pragmatic but it is what we all wanted and what my Dad would have wanted. Some people might see our way of grieving as repressed but it really isn’t. We chat and laugh about my Dad. It’s all positive.
You have had a really difficult time but I don’t think you should worry about how you may or may not feel in future. Maybe it will all the emotions will come back at a later stage and maybe they won’t. Mind never did even though I still think of my Dad and sometimes I wish I could tell him something.
You Dad sounds an idiot to have done what he did but it’s exactly the type of thing my Dad would have done. You are perfectly ok to have lots of different emotions. You can feel really mad with him for a while if you want.

Absolutely normal.

I was much the same after my Mum died, just threw myself into everything that needed doing, funeral planning, death certificates, sorting her house out etc. And just got on with it with this stoic nonchalance, mildly concerned that I wasn't feeling anything. I took myself off to Alton Towers a few days after she died and belted around a load of rollercoasters just to prove to myself that I could still feel something.

It was about 4 months later when I got up about 3am because I couldn't sleep, took myself downstairs and just sat on the sofa and sobbed. DP found my still down there when she got up at 7am.

I was very close to my Dad until my early twenties - Up to a few years ago I would have said he was a very good Dad, but in hindsight a lot of him being a good Dad was only on his terms - not to rock the boat, not to take up space and because both my parents were very immature (they had us very very young) I was molded in to the capable, wise beyond her years, people pleasing, bombproof older daughter. (not anymore)

I went away to uni (self-funded/self-arranged), and when I came back, I realised we didn't see eye to eye on some fairly fundamental issues. He was mildly misogynistic, racist and homophobic, so we carefully altered our relationship to avoid these topics, which created some distance.

More distance formed when I realised he was also a hypocrite. One summer break from Uni ranted about me having a few boyfriends and how men viewed this, preaching on about purity, modesty and 'saving yourself' to be a good wife, when a few days later it came out he had been having an affair that had been going on for YEARS (and a number of shorter ones).

The family split at that stage, and the distance grew - but we didn't fall out of touch - we weren't estranged. He still had a place in the world, saw and did things that were meaningful to him and he should be missed.

@FindleBindle - We have yet to have a service. Due to relatives abroad who want to attend its being put off until the summer.

Maybe that's why it doesn't feel final - there has not been a 'full stop' yet?

I don't know about "normal" but I went through the same when my mother died (she was early 50s). Felt no real grief. Then about a year later, it suddenly hit me.

I think you will grieve, but the time to do so is not now.

Thank you, everyone, for your reassurance - jokingly, I was beginning to wonder if I was a sociopath without realising.

Several people at work have exclaimed about how quickly I came back and that I have just carried on, when they 'were/would have been inconsolable'

My DH is still very disconcerted that I remain unaffected by the whole thing but has put it down to ongoing family dramas about the whole estate/money issues.

I tend to respond to close bereavement in the same way—numb and functioning.
Then I catch up with myself later on.

For some of us, it’s how it goes. You will process it as you need to. You do you and take the time you need later on to mourn.

💐