another one who has kicked dp out on fathers day!!!!

[shoulditrytomakeitwork]

sorry nemo just noticed your thread when i was starting mine. hope things work out for you.

i need some one to tell me weather i am over reacting. dp got no fathers day card, mainly because he doesnt act much like a father so i dont see why he should be treat like one, but also coz dd1 like to make cards i was expecting dp to be out yesterday but he stayed in on the pc all day long (as per usual), so we didnt get the chance to make one.

anyway he didnt seem to bothered but he went on a bit. later i asked him to change dd2's nappy while i had a cigerette. he shouted at me for handing her over properly, then complained that he needed a wee. so i said 'oh just leave it ill do it myself, i didnt think that it would be asking much to expect you to change your own daughters nappy!! okay now i that that is over reacting but he never does it.

on he up the stairs he was muttering about the card so i shouted 'what makes you think you deserve a card you do nothing for me and the dc's' (that and he never gets me anhything for mothers day, last year i didnt even get a card for my birthday, never mind mothers day!!) so he shouted back that i was 'f*cking useless' so i lost my temper and asked to leave.

when he did go to leave he tried to take dd2 with him, so i went to call my dad to come and help me get dd2 off him. he took my phone off me coz its in his name. and refused to leave. so i took dd2 and left.

now i have got back he has gone. i have no doubt that he will come back once the pubs are closed. but do i take him back???

i know its over reacting to throw him out just over today, but its over a lot more than that. he never helps in the house, he never does anything for the kids and help very little financially. in fact for the last 8 days at least he has done nothing but sit on the pc all day looking at holidays we cant afford. he never gets out of bed before noon, he is incapable of putting anything away after himself, he is constantly shouting at the dds, and nasty and aggressive towards me.

he calls me lazy, fat, scruffy, bad mother and tells me that i dont love my kids. my house is far from tidy i admit that but does that give him the right to treat me this eay? he says that once we move to a bigger place (that will be his house in his name) thing will be better, as i will have more storage and the house will be easier to clean (no mention of him pulling his weight though, which is all that i need) but i dont belive this.

is it just me or this not how a relationship should feel?

i could quit if i really wanted to but atm smoking is my only pleasure in life, i know that i am going to have quit soon to stop my kids copying me.

i dont love him anymore and i am sure that he has more good points than that i just cant think of any!!

i used to love him because he was supporting, helpfull, kind, generous, great with dd1 going on days out ect with her. i met him when dd was 9 months old and was suffering a bit with pnd still it took me ages to bond with dd1 so she was with my family a lot more than with me and he helped me through that by encouraging us to all spend time together as a family. he even babysat for me while i went out with my friends.

he seems to have changed he is reluctant to spend much time with the dd's (says he needs to work on his house but then doesnt go till midday), never compliments me anymore, never helps anymore and seems to be in a permanent bad mood, which he blames on not liking his job and being unable to provide for us the way he would like to.

If you don't love him, you shouldn't be with him regardless of any good points he may have as a father. He will still be a father even if he is not your partner.

Smoking isn't a pleasure in life, it is a death sentence poisoning you and your children. Do stop, there is really no excuse.

no he is a crap father too. he never spends anytime with them, complains when they need new clothes, so i have to struggle to buy them alone or ask my nan to help. and he is always shouting at them.

he does seem to think that he is doing enough by providng holidays and expensive laptops etc. and yes i think he will get me those things because he knows how much i want them.

its not the not helping that bothers me as much as he is incapable of saying anything nice to me and cant pick things up after himself. i dont expect him to turm into a domestic god (although he was tidier than me when i met him and had no qualms cleaning for me while i was working nights) but is it too much to expect to throw out his own empty lager cans/takeway cartons/pick up his dirty washing.

it seems that as our relationship has turned more serious i have changed from his partner and his equal to his mummy and some one who is there purely to look after him and dds.

and i dont deserve to be spoken to the way he speaks to me and i definately dont deserve to be swore at and told that i am a bad mother every time he doesnt get his own way.

I'm really not disagreeing with you, it is horrible for you to be in this situation, but more importantly, bloody awful for your children. Perhaps if you two were apart he could build a more constructive relationship with them.

I can't help wondering about your comment "as our relationship has turned more serious". How long were you together before you had a child together?

If he won't leave then perhaps you should - I can't see this resolving well and it is bad for your children to be around so much argy bargy. Sorry.

3 years. he was slowly starting to behave worse, but niavely i thought having a baby would force him to grow up and he might realise that im not going to leave him.

my mum seemed to think that he was insecure and thats why he was calling me names all the time. but before dd2 he was still nice sometimes just not as much. he has just gotten ten times worse since i got pg with dd2.

i know thats its bad for the kids but every time i mention in front of dd1 that i might not move in with him, she cries and insists that she is going with him with or without me though i think that might be just coz she wants a new bedroom!

i have no where else to go and have no money to get a new house, so it has to be him that leaves. but tbh i dont really want it over for good i want it to work and i want us both to go back to the way that we were.

he is not the only one that has changed. i have too but that is because i dont love him anymore and have explained this to him but he says that he still loves me so i dont know why he has changed!

am thinking that a break might make him realiose that he needs to chnage or he will lose us for good i cant cope with all the arguing and name calling anymore.

He is a crap father? You should be thinking about whether your kids will be better of without him then.

Is he a crap father or just insensitive and quite selfish?

I work with a lot of men who have come from broken relationships, and the main thing seems to be that they had no idea there was a problem until it was too late! 'Why didnt she tell me I couldnt go to the pub twice a day, then bring me mates round for a carryout?'. And most of them love their kids dearly. I think that there is a big difference between an inconsiderate, selfish git who needs a few things pointing out, and a violent, abusive bully who needs to leave.
If your P comes into the first maybe proper couselling? if in the second, leave the key in the lock!

he does love his kids and me but yes i have told him i cant remember how many times that i dont think the way he speaks to me is acceptable and that he needs to help more around the house and spend more time with the kids. imo he is an abusiv bully, but i dont think that he means to be, he is just immature, selfish and bad tempered.

i believe that he does genuinely love me and the kids, but me pointing things out doesnt help. funnily enough i have never considered realationship counsilling, i think that we would benefit from that as i said i do want it to work just cant see how it can. maybe a counsillor could help us both make the changes that we need to make in order for it to work. the way things are right now no one is happy.

i might mention that idea to him when he comes back for his plate and dishcloth (??!!!)

"imo he is an abusive bully"

He certainly comes across as abusive so why don't you listen to what your mind is telling you.

" but i dont think that he means to be, he is just immature, selfish and bad tempered"

So that makes it somehow alright then does it?. Do not make excuses for him. He also acts like this because you let him. You enable this to continue.

He will not change because at heart he does not want to. He'll perhaps laugh at counselling because at heart he feels he has done nothing wrong. Its everyone else's fault.

You have been so ground down by this man that you don't know which way is up. For your sake as well as that of any children unfortunate enough to be caught up in this war (between two people who likely should never have gotten together in the first place), you need to reconsider this whole sham of a relationship. Your children when grown will not thank you for staying with such a man should you choose to do so. They will also likely accuse you of putting him before them.

About 5 years ago we were arguing a lot we weren't ready to split up but couldn't carry on as we were so we went to counselling and it was the best thing we did and have been so much happier since although in our case we had never stopped loving each other, i'm not sure if you can do it if the love isn't there? I think everyone deserves to feel loved and if you don't love him and don't like the way he treats you then i don't see why you want to carry on?

yes notdoing the housework you probably are right although she still has not got het tv back and i have broken her hifi when i forgot that it was in my room and threw the ironing basket on top of it!!! my main reason for name change is that he knows my log in and it wouldnt take him to much to work out my password.

i know that material goods dont equal love i was just trying to point that he does try to provide for us just not in the way i would like him to.

i have told him loads of times that i ahhve problems with dd1 and her not respecting me and speaking to me badly because she sees him do and therefore believes that this how you speak to mummy.

i have no idea why i want it to work other than every man i meet seems to be worse than the last so if it didnt work with dp i dont think that i would trust another man as they all, especailly dp seem to start out perfect. plus i already have two kids by two men and have no intention of making it anymore.

also when i first met dp he was the perfect man. he was loving helpfull understanding and a great dad to dd1. i just want that person back, but i dont know how to make that happen if indeed he ever was that person. i still love the man i met dp is just not that man anymore.

he didnt come back last night like i thought he would after the pub but he did turn up in the middle of the night because he was cold!!!

his house has a brand new central heating system my heating doesnt work plus its like the middle of summer here. he clearly has no respect for me if he cant even stay away for a night, while i decide what to do next. have made it clear that he needs to leave and wont be getting back in tonight.