Can our relationship work out ?

[lcm1993]

Morning all,

Just feeling all over the place really with whether our relationship can work. It got really tense 4 weeks back and I moved back to my parents but kept popping back for our two kids who are one and four years old.

Things have been quite rough between us the past 18 months due to lots of external issues affecting us, resentment towards my parents not being there for our second child and partner , my sisters partner ( who was my best friend ) having an affair on her with another person and having a kid with her, sleep deprivation and raising second child, no money, ill health, potential redundancies at work etc it goes on

I know they say strong relationships can still work through that but it has affected us, there has been some bad arguments resulting in pushing eachother and shouting. My parents when I moved back in have also said some bad things to my parents which has meant they’ve fallen out.

No one has had an affair and I feel we trust eachother completely in that sense and deep down want to make this work. But can we come back from it ?

Lots of adults behaving selfishly and causing drama and stress.

You left your kids and are now “popping back” to them? Lovely

Are you a man?

My parents when I moved back in have also said some bad things to my parents which has meant they’ve fallen out.

Who do you mean?

I think this is written by a man. If the atmosphere was toxic he was probably asked to leave by his partner for a break to restore some calm to the household or chose to do it himself. It’s interesting how a woman doing the same thing is viewed as a cardinal
sin but it’s expected a man should move out temporarily for the sake of his wife’s MH and the children.

It does sound like there’s been a huge amount of drama and that the adults are being chaotic and aggressively angry with each other.

It’s really unclear why the external factors have so affected you and your partner - in particular, you say that there has been resentment that your parents haven’t helped with your second child but it’s not their job to look after your children and it makes zero sense that that has resulted in you leaving your partner and just popping back to see your children. So the caring burden has increased even more on your partner. And it sounds a bit as if your best friend leaving your sister has caused you to leave your partner which also makes no sense.

Overall, it sounds like everyone needs to grow up, calm down and act sensibly and responsibly.

I'm not sure I quite understand what the issues are in this relationship.

It seems a bit extreme to leave your partner and them having to care for two very young children. Then you say you feel resentment for your parents not helping out with your second child?

It is not clear what the issues are

Hi @lcm1993
The things you put into words are not easy to read, overly long sentences with no clear focus, so some points you have may get lost to a reader. Try forming shorter, more concise sentences, it will help us understand your problem more...

I would say, I remember you from an older post where you asked if your relationship is over - from last year. It doesn't seem like a lot has changed for you guys, sorry to hear. Relationships need work, and outside factors can put a strain on people, that much is a given, we all have to navigate that. When your partnership works, it can take the occasional strain, and in the best cases, the two people in it will work for making things better. Problem is, you list a handful of problems, but does not go into what exactly you have arguments about, what doesn't work. Just expecting things to work while you literally said there is resentment towards one's partner is a bad enough sign. Being annoyed with something is one thing, resentment is a different level altogether.

It is completely and utterly unimportant what sort of grandparents your parents are - sure, you may like or dislike it, but when you decide to have a child, YOU decide to have them, not the grandparents. Expecting grandparents to help out is an extremely pitiful behaviour, I would urge you to look into yourself on that front. If grandparents help out because they want to, that is great and positive. Expecting it is rather pitiful. Especially as a man. I am speaking as one, myself - As grown men we need to be accountable for our decisions, and work on things to make them better. Not run to mum and dad, not being annoyed they don't make our lives easier. I get the hardships that you listed, but taking life's swings and making your loved ones' lives harder because of them is just weak.

Your question was - Can our relationship work out? - But we can't even ponder the question because you have said very little about the arguments, what is not working with the relationship itself. What she has done, what you have done, we have nothing of those.. Only frustration with grandparents, sister's partner, redundancy, etc.

The one thing that is there is arguments involving pushing. Now, that is physical. It is NEVER ok. We are not children, we are adults, and should be in control of our actions. Once an argument becomes physical, that is the failure of reason and common sense. When you use your hands instead of your words. And as such, based on that alone, I don't think the relationship can work.

Please can you rewrite your post making events clearer? No one can advise you properly without a bit more detail. However, no matter what your wider family issues are if you should have been be fully supporting each other, especially as you have 2 young children.
Arguments that lead to physical interactions between you are totally unacceptable and frightening for your children to witness and if it's got to that stage then you're better apart. I assume that's why you left?
A safe environment for your children should be the priority here, not the external issues you mention which just sounds like a lot of family drama between the so called adults.