Opinions needed please

[ME215]

Huge backstory on my relationship with my H.
But recent events have caused me severe hurt. However, without the backstory would you find this behaviour bad?

My dear Dad passed away, for 3 weeks I helped my mum nurse him at home. My brother stayed with them while I drove 1 hr each way home.
Husband did nothing in the house during this time. I went home for 1 day to clean the house and wrap Christmas presents etc.
My Dad passed away, I stayed with my mum to organise funeral arrangements and notify everyone. Went home for a few days and the house was a mess. In particular the bathroom was filthy.

I said to husband how disgusting it was to be met with "don't start! Nobody cares apart from you!"
cleaned bathroom and went back to my mums. Had to collect my Dads ashes yesterday. He knew and texted me that morning to say the washing machine was broken and what should he do? When I got home I sorted washing machine stuff. No "how are you?" And he went into the other room and completely ignored me.

i have to add that I was very close to my dad, I'm having to help my elderly mum and I just expected more?

I mean, he's a total callous, selfish waste of space isn't he?

What a despicable man.

Yes, but he thinks I'm overreacting...?

without the backstory would you find this behaviour bad?

Yes, he sounds uncaring, selfish, lazy and lacking in empathy and he doesn't love or respect you,

Why does it any backstory matter? you can leave for any reason, including this latest behaviour. Choose happiness.

I'm so sorry about your DAD OP.
It sounds as though you are a loving and caring daughter.

Your H on the other hand is a nasty, callous, lazy man. You are worth so much more than him.

It's very difficult when your grief is so fresh but when you are up to it please start making plans to leave this man.

Because he's selfish and callous.

You're not remotely overreacting, you've been through and continue to go through some really difficult times (I am so sorry for your loss by the way). Not only has he not recognised the emotional impact, he hasn't even stepped up to offer practical support.

He sounds awful, I don't know how you put up with it and I don't think you should either.

Nope. Get out of this relationship. If he can’t pull his weight and be there for you at your time of need then it’d be see ya later from me. And in fact I left a previous relationship because this exact thing happened to me.

What you think is what matters. Don't listen to his opinion of how he thinks you should feel.

This behaviour is inexcusable. It says loud and clear what he thinks of you. What you decide to do is another matter

Depressingly, there are many men who are only interested in getting their own wants and needs met, and see their partner as a form of domestic appliance whose primary role is to make their lives more comfortable. Sounds like he's one of those. Your issues, feelings and inner life are of no interest to him. You are now a malfunctioning domestic appliance and he's avoiding you until normal service is resumed.

Your husband sounds utterly useless, as well as uncaring and insensitive. Keeping the home running, including the laundry/cleaning etc is the absolute bare minimum he should have been doing. He's not supported you practically or emotionally whilst you were helping your Mum care for your Dad, and he's still not.

I would be furious with his attitude and I'd be questioning if he actually loved me at all. His actions aren't that of a loving husband, who wants to support his wife who's going through a rough time. His attitude is that the situation has rather inconvenienced him, and upset his normal daily life, because you weren't there to do the usual things you do.

God, I’m so so sorry about your dad 💐 I’m also very sorry your husband is a useless, selfish, lazy twat. He’s supposed to love you, cherish you, support you and lighten your load. He’s failed you completely.

They say you shouldn’t make big life decisions soon after a major trauma but my advice, fwiw, is to start a new life knowing your beloved dad would only want you to be happy and get rid of the tosser. Prioritise yourself and the best chance of happiness for the rest of your life.

Honestly, if I told you everything.... but to me this is the last straw. I am so distraught. I have no job and need to get my ducks in a row . How can a human being treat someone like this?

To be blunt, you’re married to a selfish lazy cunt.

I bet the backstory is even worse

Oh sweetheart - the good news is that you don't need to waste another second of your life feeling like how he has made you feel. Yes definitely ducks in a row time. I'm not sure he is a human being in all honesty. He's just a useless sack of flesh.

PS. Can Duck One be moving in temporarily with your mum?

Yes it could, but we do clash at times. There is equity in our house but not enough for me to buy another property. Also I don't have a job, I've applied for a few but no luck. I'm 53 and for various reasons haven't worked for a while. I also have 2 adult children living at home who will have nowhere to go if we sold.

Maybe it would be good just to have an extended stay with her then? Not officially move out, just stay with her for a couple of weeks to give you some space to think things through? I know it might feel a bit desolate right now, but grab all of your courage and focus on how much better life would be without him in it. You sound like you have put up with a lot over the years and it really is time to draw the line. If he can't even pretend to be a good person when you're going through such traumatic times, then there is honesty no hope for him. I don't know where you live, but where I am there are schemes for helping older people (hey I include myself in this, I'm only six years younger than you!) get back into employment - maybe that is something to consider? But I think right now you need space away from him to breathe and consider your next steps.

im in a similar position except without the DCs. if you want to chat. similar happened to me but it was his Father who was unwell and his mother with dementia I was caring for and then his father who died. id already been in psychosis becasue of the strain of living with his behaviours.

Leave the selfish prick! I was in the same position, and I resented him for the next 3 years... We're divorced now, the day he left I felt lighter and was able to grieve in peace! I wish we split earlier.

What is the relationship between your dc and husband like and what ages are they? Are they in college, uni or work? Would they be ok to stay in the house while you perhaps stay at your mums for a while to give you some time to think about the next step. I’m furious on your behalf to think that someone that should be supporting you at an awful time for you is behaving like a nasty sack of garbage.

My DC are 22 &20. Both at uni, one here and 1 away but due to come back this year.

They both are aware of our problems and hate the atmosphere in the house. I just feel angry that I have to move out for a bit. I know I can stay at my mums but she is very OCD and opinionated and we do clash at times.

I know things need to be sorted but I just can't face it at the moment whilst I'm still grieving.

He just doesn't see that his behaviour is wrong. When I have suggested splitting up he just says "we can't afford to".

I know I need to get a job and make a life for myself but I'm still struggling to cope with my loss.