I wasted most of my 50's

[Newlife12]

That's it really. After the breakdown of a 20 year relationship with my Children’s father and few years break I met a man on line. The relationship went at break neck speed, he love bombed me, promised me he would help me a renovate a house in France ( had always been a dream). So we moved to France I bought a place and at first things were ok. He was became abusive both physically and mentally ( he would deny any of this ) quite early into the relationship which I put up with up but it just became worse and worse and I was trapped. He would call me mental and leave many times sometime months on end and I always took the bastard back.
Finally last September things came to a head and I had enough and we finally split for good. I hated him so much by then and that point he had become so ugly to me and gave me the serious ick.
I am now safely back in England. But what a mess my house needs to be sold and stuff shipped back.
But I am now able to sleep soundly , I actually sleep the whole night through, have not done that for years I don't have that horrible constant anxious feeling in my stomach, really didn't realise how bad things were and I foolishly had put myself in a very bad position.
BUT I am angry with myself as I have wasted most of my 50's and that makes me sad and don't know how can get over this feeling. Maybe my feelings are running high as my dad passed away last week.
Just needed to vent

Don’t be too hard on yourself OP. Everyone makes mistakes and lots wish they had done things differently.

He is the one who should be looking at his behaviour, not you.

So sorry about the loss of your Dad OP. I agree, your feelings have most likely been heightened by your recent bereavement and what you see as wasted years. You've had a tough time but try to reframe it, you overcame a horrible situation so let this be the spur you need to move on and rebuild your life. Don't be angry with yourself, redirect it towards your abusive ex partner.
You already feel relieved that you are home and are sleeping well and less anxious so that's a sign that you are on the right road.
Prioritise yourself and maybe also consider having some counselling to help you process past events and help with the loss of your Dad too. Wishing you all the best.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad OP. This is the time to be kind to yourself and allow yourself time and space to grieve. Don't fight it, let it come and cry when you need to. Give yourself grace to take this at your own pace.

You can feel sad that you wasted years with this man or you can congratulate yourself for having the strength to end the relationship when you did and change your life for the better. If you allow yourself to become mired in bitterness and regret, you are giving him more of your life and letting him cast a shadow over you now you are free. Don't let him ruin one more day of this life - you have the freedom to make what you want of it - you have a lot of life ahead of you! When you feel able, there is a world of new adventures, new friends, new activities and hobbies out there for you to grab! You're a strong and capable woman clearly to have survived all that you have. Embrace a future where you have the autonomy and the freedom to put yourself first!

Is all time spent in a relationship that ends badly wasted?

Can you def not make the dream house in France work???

It seems a shame to give up on it

You won’t waste your 60s - you’ve done the right thing. And learned a lot. It hasn’t been wasted time.

You are being so hard on yourself and you deserve kindness.
You finally got away and that is a great brave thing.
I am 60 and my friends that are in their 60's are loving this decade.
It's all about staying healthy and well.

So focus on not stressing yourself unnecessarily.
You are also bereaved which is very painful and emotional.
Speak to yourself as you would a friend, with kindness, compassion and understanding.
We are here for you.

OP, my DH brought a firestorm of unimaginable horror, humiliation and near destitution on us when I was 51.

His actions sucked the joy and soul from our lives. I would dance on his grave. At 57, I do not look back on this decade fondly, but there were good times. There was pleasure. There was joy. All amongst the rubble of our very, very different life.

Your recovery now is what will differentiate you. Do you want to look back or forward? You must look forward to a life free of someone that sucked joy from you. Every single thing you do from now places distance and success. It will be overwhelming and difficult, but every little joy will be the new you.

Disclaimer: if someone had told me this 6 years ago I’d have torn them a new one. I’m here though to tell you it’s true.

Pheonix’s rise from ashes. Be more Phoenix. Your dad would expect nothing less.

why the house had to be necessarily in France?

We all do things we regret, it's part of life. I decided years ago to just accept mistakes, chalk it up to experience, as the saying goes, and just move on. Don't waste more time dwelling on things look forward to making the most of you new life.
Sorry for your loss.💕

Right now your are dealing with strong feelings which is why you are played with regret. But over time my guess is you will see it through less of a black and white lens. You realised your dream of living in France and completing a refurb. I’m guessing you were part of a community there and learned a lot. I don’t think you’ll continue feeling like you wasted a decade.

Thanks everyone for your lovely posts. I will try to focus on the positive things. I did meet some lovely people who I can now call friends.
Re the house in France, no it is not possible to go back as he has stayed in the area and would make my life hell. It has shattered my desire live the French dream.
I was thinking last night how I dismissed so many red flags

Very few of us get through life without ever having been a fool for love, OP.

It was a lesson not a life sentence and don't look back you're not going that way.

Some men just suck the life out of your dreams don’t they. Just look forward op and avoid the love bombers next time.

Thanks again, I am a positive person I guess I am a bit confused and I annoyed with myself why I did not see the red flags, like every ex he called mental and most were alcoholics, ex wife accused him of rape ( this was quite recently) it came to light last year that he is in massive debt, drink drives in an illegal car. Don't know how he gets away with it The list goes on.
Saying all that I did meet some lovely people and experienced great things.
rainandshine38
Yes I will def be avoiding love bombers

I can empathise - I have terrible regrets about mistakes I made in my marriage. I let my husbands stressful behaviours impact me s o much that I went into psychosis that destroyed my whole life and took away my academic career that id worked so hard for from a background of poverty and trauma.

ive spent nine years regretting so much and im so stuck in the past. dont be like me

LucyLoo1972
I am so sorry to hear that.