AIBU?

[saltymama99]

Me and my partner have been together since may 2023, I hadn’t really met any of his friends until 2024/2025, I’m not very outgoing like nights out sort of thing, I have a small circle of good friends that’s always been enough for me and we’re all very much indoor people like we’d much rather be sat in with a takeaway n a film than going out, my partners friends are let’s go drinking every weekend kinda people and even in the week. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and it took a while for me and my partner to get into like a good family dynamic because he doesn’t have kids and it was a big change for him, he used to go out n get hammered and do loads of like stupid things he’d regret and it’d always cause arguments between us etc, he rarely goes on nights out because he is very much an active part of my home and is involved with my daughters routines. So we try to make the most of our child free time, but all of his friends don’t really like me because he doesn’t go out as much anymore ( they don’t have kids or relationships) I get on with a couple of them there’s a couple of them who are chill and understand that we’re just busy and we plan ahead for a lot of things because of my daughter. Obviously if there was enough notice he probs would be able to make more of their plans but they’re usually very last minute because they don’t have to think about anything which is fine I understand it’s easier for them than it is for us. However, one of his friends about a month ago called me a fat wench because my partner didn’t go out to a night out he had originally planned on going too because something happened over Christmas and I ended up in a neck brace and I was still struggling with pain etc when the night out came around because it was only a week after getting the neck brace. He said to my partner yesterday it’s no secret he doesn’t like me (I met him once in 2023 and haven’t seen him since) and said that he thinks I’m abusive, but my partner said he doesn’t understand how he’s formed that opinion just by the fact he doesn’t go out as much anymore?? like am I actually at fault here?? I’m constantly slagged off by his mates and they’re always saying stuff about wanting him to be single again but I just find that rude and disrespectful??

Sorry, but I bet your "partner" is making you out to be this ogre behind your back.

Thing is he actually isn’t! Sometimes when I’m lay in bed I’ll sit n read his texts as he’s texting cos I’m nosey🤣🤣 but if they say anything he always sticks up for me, like when his friend called me a fat wench he told him he was gonna kick his head in n he’ll have no teeth n stuff if he ever said it again😭

It doesn’t matter whether your partner is making you the scapegoat or not. His friends will decide you are the entire reason he isn’t who he used to be. The women always get blamed in this way because apparently men are so stupid and spineless they can’t make decisions on their own.

The question is, does your partner want to remain friends with this guy or not? I would hope not.

And then he went back to his friends the next day and said sorry about that threat mate, controlling fat wench is over my shoulder watching my every move so had to appease her.

He IS speaking badly about you to them. Been there, done that, tshirt well worn. He has painted you as the controlling villian so WHEN he behaves so badly you kick him out to a place he will already have earmarked then he can blame you fror everything. The script.

He does but only because they’ve had the same friendship group since school and we’re 27 now, but the way they act makes me not want to meet them, like I won’t let someone disrespect me and act nice to my face so they wouldn’t like me either way because I’d call out the behaviour whereas my partner tries to avoid confrontation as much as he can

His friend text him I think the day or day after and apologised to him for calling me fat and my partner ignored the text for like a month😅

I agree with pp that he is using you as the excuse for not socialising with his friends. They sound incredibly immature and misogynistic.

If he really has changed and wants to be a family man with you and your DD then surely he would realise he has little in common with these guys any longer and he would move on from this friendship group. Instead it sounds as though he wants a foot in both camps and is playing the nice family guy to you whilst calling you all sorts to his pals. Why on earth otherwise would they dislike you so much?

I would be quite wary of trusting this guy.

As they say "tell me who's your friend and I tell you who you are". If you partner continues the friendship with these people, he is on the same level as them. As indeed is demonstrated by his threats to kick his friend's teeth in. No reasonable and moral human being is going to threaten violence like that. Not even as a banter.

He's throwing you under the bus and blaming you for his lack of social life.

Just because he's not doing it in a text doesn't mean he's not doing it in person.

Be honest - have you tried to curtail your partner going out with his friends because a) you'd rather he stayed in with you and your daughter and b) because he gets messy and wasted and is hungover the next day?

I'm not saying you'd be unreasonable to not want him going out several times a week and getting wasted but if you have influenced him then you need to own it and say yes, this is not what I want from a grown up relationship. If he's happy to have less of a social life and more of a family life then that's his choice and his friends will have to accept it.

I would question why he's still friends with a group of people who 'constantly slag you off'?

And you have a man who talks like this around your kids - wow

He very rarely goes in their group chat anymore tbh it’s on mute cos they’re always on it and it blows his phone up lmao a couple of them are okay but then there’s some who see it as you got a gf now u don’t bother but there all single it’s different when you’re single cos there isn’t anyone to think about whereas my daughter is devastated when my partner isn’t here for bedtime n stuff like we try to do our stuff on the weekends she isn’t here so routine is same for her as much as possible

How else is he meant to react when his friend calls me something when I didn’t do anything? He doesn’t speak like this around my child clearly wtf

Nah I just said to him I’d go get in bed n get a takeaway but I think he just got tired of it himself like they don’t do anything except go to bars and he was getting himself in states I just don’t think he wanted to be in anymore, he’s tried to like say to them like can we meet for coffees n go out and do other stuff like he’d prefer it but they’ve said no, but also we don’t know many people with kids either so trying to find other people to be friends with and go out with people who understand is hard as well, once every now and then he doesn’t mind but they wanna drink every weekend and that’s quite draining on your bank aswell as then spending the next day out your arse lmao

I think he just did it out of anger because his friend called me a fat wench in a group chat when I haven’t actually done anything to this person and have never had anything bad to say about him I think he just thought like wtf are you doing

Obviously I don’t know the full picture, but this isn’t strengthening your argument that you’re not controlling.

It sounds like your dp hasn’t managed a good balance of being able to hang out with his friends semi-regularly without disrupting his family life. There’s not enough information here to determine if that’s on him or if that’s on you.

So because if he pulls his phone out infront of me right infront of my face and texts his friends I’m controlling? I don’t take his phone and read them he just does it infront of me, same with me I just pull mine out and reply to texts infront of him it doesn’t bother me and it doesn’t bother him

A man is judged by the company he keeps.

thing Is though this is what annoys me like he was saying he wants to like invite them out to things we do with my daughter say if we go to a park right, which is fine, but I don’t know them and I have a post explaining a bit what she’s like, so I don’t want people I don’t know meeting her before I’ve had chance to get to know them, but I can’t get to know them because they always want to go out drinking and I am not a drinker but then they say things about me which is just meant to be a “joke” but there not like joke things??? Idk lmao

The last time I heard anyone say "he told him he was gonna kick his head in n he’ll have no teeth n stuff if he ever said it again" I was on the school playground. Of course he can call out a friend on his behaviour but those words are not the way to do it. I honestly thought you were younger than 27. Who threatens someone with violence and in such a manner?

You are guilt tripping this man into staying in to put your DD to bed as she is "devastated" if he is not there. He needs to find a balance. Maybe he is outgrowing some of his friends but what about meeting up with the couple? Just because you have children does not mean you cannot also have friends outside of that dynamic. We had a mate who went completely off line the second he got a girlfriend so I can see this from the other side.

He does not have to go out and get leathered, he can control how much he drinks when he is out and if he cannot then you have much bigger problems.

okay well that’s nice for you but I think everyone has a snapping point and that for him was it. I’ve never told him he had to stay but if he isn’t here I always ask if she can at least call just to say goodnight to him because she loves him???

and I’ve also never said we don’t try to have friends outside of our family, but we plan ahead a lot and if someone asks us last minute after we’ve booked something or already made plans there’s not really a lot we can do?? It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care or I’m sat here smacking him for someone asking him to come out, like he’s said to them can they ask him a bit in advance so we don’t plan anything on the weekend they want to see him because if we pay for something or pay to go somewhere we’re obviously not goin to miss out and lose that money.

im aware he doesn’t have to go out and get leathered but even a couple of drinks doesn’t sound appealing to him anymore I think he wants to be out but not drinking and they want to be out and drinking

There is nothing to get to know. They are clearly vile company. And so is your partner. I get angry plenty but I never threaten anyone with violence.

This all sounds very immature.

People going out drinking every weekend and even in the week, doing “stupid things” as you describe, friends hating on their friend for not coming out and drinking all the time, people calling others names, reading peoples private communications on their phones and the language of saying you’ll kick peoples teeth in.

Well yeah now I realise that there not people I wanna get to know lmao but yeah I think everyone has a snapping point and I think after so long of them saying stuff about me I think his friend calling me a fat wench was the last straw.

It doesn’t sound like you see his friends much so who is telling you that they don’t like you?