What do you think?

[Oliveoill]

Partner and I, both late 30s. Together over 2 years.

Partner wants to lose weight, he looks good just naturally put on a little weight since we’ve been together. So he’s entered a competition at his gym where whoever loses most body fat wins.

This evening he’s said the girl who runs the gym classes has added him on Facebook and they’ve been messaging. Nothing funny or flirty apparently. He’s said he’s told me tonight because he doesn’t want me to see her name pop up on his phone and wonder who she is.

I feel a little disappointed in his behaviour. I explained that I feel before he even accepted the request he should have mentioned it to me. I feel the fact he’s accepted the request and chatted to her without mentioning it to me isn’t great. He now says he’s really surprised in my reaction and genuinely didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. He says the girl in question knows he has a girlfriend. I’ve asked if they’re going to be friends, he said no, I’ve said then why be friends on Facebook?

Honestly - am I over reacting to not feel good about this? I’m struggling to put in to words to him why I think this isn’t great behaviour. Am I just being jealous?

I wouldn't be happy either. Why do they need to message on facebook? Show up in her classes in the gym, that's it. Even if she was a personal trainer helping him with food/nutrition, they shouldn't be messaging I feel.

Thanks @enkelt2 He’s always been the boyfriend who talks about these things before they happen- I thought he would have told me yesterday about her requesting to be friends and at that point asking if I feel comfortable. Instead he’s accepted and chatted and it makes me feel like he’s crossed a boundary. Eurgh I don’t know. I’ll be interested to hear more perspectives.

This wouldn't bother me at all. I trust my partner and am absolutely fine with his having friends of any gender over facebook and in real life. And, vice versa. Do you have any reason to not trust him? Not sure what boundary is being crossed - does he need to get your permission before accepting a friend request on FB? I wouldn't like that at all but you do you.

I think you are overreacting. I wouldn’t dream of checking with my DH if I could add or accept someone on Facebook as a friend, nor would I expect him to check with me.
Your phrasing of being “disappointed in his behaviour” comes across as a little controlling, probably borne out of jealousy.
He has explained the situation to you which could possibly indicate he knows you might have an issue (jealousy or insecurity) but honestly, I would just ask yourself if you trust him; has he given you any reason not to?
Jealousy can be a perfectly normal reaction within reason, but you have to recognise if allowed to go unchecked, it can cause some unreasonable behaviours or reactions and is capable of really damaging relationships!
My ex had similar views and I ended up scared to tell him anything - all perfectly normal, reasonable things because of how he would react. It was jealousy that drove the need to control and all disguised as love.
Thank him for considering your feelings and letting you know and move on :)

This is a no from me. Why has he popped up on her facebook? Or why has she sought him out? What are they even talking about

Apparently @Quitelikeit she messaged him to say he looked younger than he is. Something like that. And he’s replied and they’ve just been having a little chat.

I wouldn't be happy about this OP.
Why do they need to message each other?

Lots of affairs start at the gym and begin by frequent meeting up at classes, shared goals and emotional bonding. It sounds as though he is going down a well trod route

it wouldnt bother me at all. My DH doesnt have any social media becasue he doesnt have a smart phone and doesnt have any on his laptop. but I do and have never discussed adding any friends of either gender as friends on Facebook

I take on board what everyone is saying. Even about jealousy etc. I don’t know why I just think it does make me uncomfortable. I want to be that relaxed woman previous posters are but I’m not. I think it might be an ego boost for him because it does seem clear that she’s interested in him. Not to say he’d do anything just if you don’t intend on being friends, why accept and start chatting?

Your boyfriend paid to go to her classes, so it's officially a professional relationship. If the service included some off-line advice via messages, it probably shouldn't happen on facebook. And "she messaged him to say he looked younger than he is" is definitely a No.

If that was me I’d tell him how uncomfortable it makes me

Also listen to your feelings! So what if it's jealousy? That's often a healthy reaction.

I'd be fine with this personally OP. I'm not saying you're wrong as we all respond to these things differently, but I can understand your partner being a little surprised by your reaction.

It’s good to see everyone’s perspectives 😊

we all have our own boundaries in a relationship, some may be fine with this and others not. What’s important is how you feel about it and how you can discuss it with your partner. It would raise eyebrows for a lot of people, especially when the context of the message doesn’t sound like weight loss/gym related from her. Talk it out with your partner, you are allowed to express how you feel about anything in a relationship

If a man was saying this about his partner we would say he was being controlling. I think you are.

If dh reacted the way you reacted to me having an interaction with someone (anyone!) online, I'd be absolutely furious.

@CatherinedeBourgh thats fair enough

I’d not appreciate this or be comfortable with it. Just her messaging to say he looks younger is a red flag. Stroking his ego, for what? A professional relationship based @ the gym… ok. But when that spills over into flirtatious texting you may have a potential problem on your hands. I’d make myself visible to her.
A little bit of “harmless” flirty banter can change into an exciting cascade of feelings…infatuation… clandestine calls, meetings in person for some good reason or another. And what do you have?
That said, she may well fancy him and want to start something, but no reason to assume he will reciprocate on this level. He may just be enjoying the attention and flirty banter.
Watch the situation.

Its controlling and abusive to dictate who your partner can interact with or follow on social media. The very fact that you say you expect him to check with you first and consider it bad behaviour that he didn't this time is proof. And that he is clearly aware of this since he even felt he had to tell you at all.

If you don't trust him around other females then that's another issue (but still a you issue unless he's been unfaithful, but if so, you have chosen to continue the relationship). I'm surprised you're ok with him going to the gym without chaperoning him.

Op

You are not abusive or controlling at all!

She should not be messaging clients to tell them they look younger than they actually are.

Put your foot down before this develops into something unpalatable