How long does it take to heal and move on after separation?

Picklepink · 10/02/2026 16:50

Hi Readerls, im going through the same as you. I’ve private messaged you if you would like to chat. I feel your pain. Big hugs.

WonkyMirror · 10/02/2026 16:54

When DH and I parted I read 1 year for ever 5 yrs you were together, I had been with him 25yrs, so I thought I’d have to start rebuilding my life, introducing new things, to speed it up. I’d say started to feel the stirrings of getting over it at around a year.

Endofyear · 10/02/2026 18:38

I don't think 7 months is long when you're getting over a long term relationship. Give yourself grace to feel what you feel and in time those feelings will fade. You're doing all the right things, it's normal to feel a bit disoriented and untethered while you're finding your feet as a single person again. Keep going out with friends and trying new things, even if you have to push yourself. You'll get there OP 💐

Mumto21234 · 10/02/2026 19:42

Im in the exact same boat. I have been focusing on the kids, hobbies and getting out when I can, which isnt often.

Its such a process and takes its toll, but we will get there in the end - what choice do we have?!

Lessonsinlove · 10/02/2026 19:52

I hit a low point after about 9 months.

I'd been "ok" up until then, relieved in a way that the pain of being unhappy together was over. But then the grief hit me like a freight train.

I spent weeks crying. I'd go to work and hold it together all day, then fall to bits at home in the evening. Some weekends were spent crying more or less all day. This went on for a good month, maybe six weeks. But I had a lot to grieve.

I still have low days/weeks even now. It's messy. I still have a lot to process. Even though I'm in a new relationship and feel very loved. My ex was my whole adult life, from 22 to 49. I still miss the things you miss, two years on. But the lows aren't so low and don't last so long.

The grief changes shape, presents in new ways. Almost disappears at times. Then it pounces on me, out of nowhere, drags me into its den and mauls me again for a while, before skulking back into the shadows.

You get through it.

ProudFriend · 10/02/2026 19:57

I felt much better once I had got through a year after the separation - I suppose I’d got through all the ‘a year ago we were….’ thoughts. Coming up to 2 years now and I still miss him, but there is light (we were together 12 ish years). It was a complicated and sad separation, and other things happened along the way.

HawthornFairy · 10/02/2026 20:00

I think it depends a great deal on if you actually deeply loved your partner. Grieving the family unit/life you had/familiarity/affection etc is hard, but is worse when coupled with the visceral pain that can be there for some people.

Lessonsinlove · 10/02/2026 20:03

HawthornFairy · 10/02/2026 20:00

I think it depends a great deal on if you actually deeply loved your partner. Grieving the family unit/life you had/familiarity/affection etc is hard, but is worse when coupled with the visceral pain that can be there for some people.

This is true.

According to my dc (young adults) exdh was absolutely living his best life two months after I'd left! As if he'd erased me from his memory.

LucyLoo1972 · 10/02/2026 23:31

HawthornFairy · 10/02/2026 20:00

I think it depends a great deal on if you actually deeply loved your partner. Grieving the family unit/life you had/familiarity/affection etc is hard, but is worse when coupled with the visceral pain that can be there for some people.

I love my husabnd with my whole heart always and its actually the reason that things went so very wrong

Original poster

TheReaderIs · 11/02/2026 07:13

ProudFriend · 10/02/2026 19:57

I felt much better once I had got through a year after the separation - I suppose I’d got through all the ‘a year ago we were….’ thoughts. Coming up to 2 years now and I still miss him, but there is light (we were together 12 ish years). It was a complicated and sad separation, and other things happened along the way.

Thanks. Glad you are beginning to feel better. Yes the firsts are the worse, we’ve had Christmas, kids birthdays and recently our wedding anniversary. It’s getting used to a whole new routine now and not seeing the kids everyday which is hard.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheReaderIs · 11/02/2026 07:23

Lessonsinlove · 10/02/2026 19:52

I hit a low point after about 9 months.

I'd been "ok" up until then, relieved in a way that the pain of being unhappy together was over. But then the grief hit me like a freight train.

I spent weeks crying. I'd go to work and hold it together all day, then fall to bits at home in the evening. Some weekends were spent crying more or less all day. This went on for a good month, maybe six weeks. But I had a lot to grieve.

I still have low days/weeks even now. It's messy. I still have a lot to process. Even though I'm in a new relationship and feel very loved. My ex was my whole adult life, from 22 to 49. I still miss the things you miss, two years on. But the lows aren't so low and don't last so long.

The grief changes shape, presents in new ways. Almost disappears at times. Then it pounces on me, out of nowhere, drags me into its den and mauls me again for a while, before skulking back into the shadows.

You get through it.

You’ve described it perfectly, absolutely raw grief, it’s similar to a bereavement, I too spent days and weeks crying and I didn’t eat much for the first few months as I was in shock. I had a lot of self blame too and confusing emotions as I was the one to end the marriage (for v.good reasons due to his behaviour) but I dealt with terrible regret and self hatred for causing so much suffering to everyone. Ex has turned himself into a victim to his family and I’m now the villain so they all despise me. It’s so easy to think we were all better off before all of this, right now I’m just pushing through and hoping there’s an end in sight to feeling a bit better.

OP posts:

AlanisMorningShed · 11/02/2026 11:17

We're just separating after 25yrs together. I love him but we can't live together anymore due to many chronic issues. The pain is unbearable and I'm wondering if it's all worth it. I'm moving out in 2 weeks and I'm crying all the time, can't eat, feel dreadful

Brooksandstreams · 11/02/2026 11:18

I read half the amount of time together. Depends on their actions though.

Lessonsinlove · 11/02/2026 11:32

I don't think I will ever stop loving him or grieving. It doesn't mean leaving was not the right thing to do though.

I sometimes wish he'd been an out and out bastard. I think it might make it easier.

There were lots of good times, he has many admirable qualities. But staying together would have ended up with us making each other unbearably unhappy. I didn't want that for us, or for our kids.

I said at the time that we weren't able to show them a healthy, happy marriage, but hopefully we're showing them what a respectful, loving in its own way, divorce can look like. And while I haven't sat and cried in front of my kids, I have been honest that it is incredibly painful, but that life does go on.

TheThingOnTheIce · 11/02/2026 11:34

I don’t think there’s any set formula to how long it takes
a 15 month relationship floored me much worse and for much longer than the breakdown of my marriage

IsThisLifeNow · 11/02/2026 12:28

While its not nice to hear that so many other are in pain, its reassuring to me. I feel so stuck though. Together 10 years, married 7, he came out last April, turns out he'd had relationships with men before we got together, but just didn't want to be gay, but had recently found someone online to have sex with to make sure

I'm absolutely devastated and don't think I've dealt with the emotional side of things yet at all despite it being 10 months because we're still living together, we have young kids. He has finally agree'd to buy me out and I'm hopefully moving out into my own place in 8.5 weeks.

I cannot wait to be free of him. I think I still love him though and hate myself for that. He has moved on, but I feel stuck. We do spend a fair bit of time together because of the kids, but I do have feelings of hate for him for destroying my life, so I think I'm starting the grieving process for the life I though we'd have together.

Oh and I still find myself using 'we'. Hate it every time I do it, hopefully after I move out it will be easier.

Picklepink · 11/02/2026 12:50

So sorry, that you are all going through this. I’m currently going through similar, i’m moving out of our family home this week with our daughter. Its heartbreaking, as i believe he already has someone lined up already. Our relationship has failed, due to ongoing issues of him drinking at home every weekend, which hasnt done our relationship any davours. Struggling to see how I will navigate this change of lifestyle on my own. Feel devastated, broken and scared of whats ahead. Big hugs to you all. X

Picklepink · 13/02/2026 17:24

Hi again all, hope you are all surviving. Just venting and after some support really. Having a really bad day today, moved into new house, staying here for the first night tonight. My daughter is with her dad and im missing her so much. My heart is breaking as she is really struggling with this situation as in having emotional breakdowns and feeling angry. I wish i could taker her pain away. Not sure how i can get through this. Any support greatly appreciated. Feel so low at the moment, whilst ex is completely ok with it all. Sending strength to you all going through this x

ItsHappeningAllOverAgain · 13/02/2026 17:41

Picklepink · 13/02/2026 17:24

Hi again all, hope you are all surviving. Just venting and after some support really. Having a really bad day today, moved into new house, staying here for the first night tonight. My daughter is with her dad and im missing her so much. My heart is breaking as she is really struggling with this situation as in having emotional breakdowns and feeling angry. I wish i could taker her pain away. Not sure how i can get through this. Any support greatly appreciated. Feel so low at the moment, whilst ex is completely ok with it all. Sending strength to you all going through this x

Just wanted to say it won't feel this dark forever.
I promise.

My situation was different to yours, but I remember that absolute gut punch of the first time your child goes overnight to the parent you've separated from.
It's fucking awful and it's alien and you want to slap anyone who might say "oh, lovely that you have some time to yourself though."

It is SO hard, but I can promise you it will ease.
You're doing really well x

CrustyBread1977 · 13/02/2026 17:45

First husband, I was 25 and we’d been together for about three years. I was dating within 18 months.

Second husband, I was 51 when we separated and it took 2.5 years before I felt myself again. We’d been together for about 22 years. Ten years on and I’ve no interest in another relationship.

Original poster

TheReaderIs · 13/02/2026 18:38

Picklepink · 13/02/2026 17:24

Hi again all, hope you are all surviving. Just venting and after some support really. Having a really bad day today, moved into new house, staying here for the first night tonight. My daughter is with her dad and im missing her so much. My heart is breaking as she is really struggling with this situation as in having emotional breakdowns and feeling angry. I wish i could taker her pain away. Not sure how i can get through this. Any support greatly appreciated. Feel so low at the moment, whilst ex is completely ok with it all. Sending strength to you all going through this x

I’m so sorry you are having a hard time and things are so difficult for you, I too left the family home so I’m also grieving for the familiarity of that house and where I raised my children. Good luck for the first night in your new home. What do you plan to do tonight? I remember the first handovers were brutal and 7 months on they still feel wrong. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get used to it tbh. Sending support to you tonight, you are not alone and we are all here to support you. I’m trying my best to keep busy, I try to make sure I’ve always got something nice to look forward to, when I’m alone in the house in the evening I have a nice bath, a glass of wine and watch a film etc. I’m trying to stay in the moment and make my home cosy and comfortable 💕

OP posts:

Picklepink · 13/02/2026 21:35

Thank you so much for your messages of support. I’m currently just sat thinking about everything, playing everything over in my head of how everything is my fault.could i of done things differently. The guilt i feel is horrendous. Still cant quite believe i’m here somehow, cant think straight. I Miss my family unit so much, although i know it wasnt right with him. I pray to god, for us all that we can feel happiness again and that our children are happy and healthy xx

FloydPink · 14/02/2026 10:59

It depends on he situation and you as a person.

For me, (22 year relationship) it took no time at all as she was controlling, manipulative and the last year was a slow death, so when we did split, feelings for her were zero. So as a person, feelings were done pretty quick, probably a few months, especially her behaviour after split.

In terms of the other stuff (money, time with kids etc...) I will never be over it - the fact that we put the kids through that is something I will feel guilty of forever. I miss having that close person who I should be able to trust, just having someone else in the house. But those are not person specific, and more the situation

Picklepink · 14/02/2026 13:04

Just feels unbearable at times. Seeing my daughter sad, is just awful. Such a tough time for all going through this x