Is it worth it or do I just give up now?

[HateBeingInsideMyHead]

Just wanting to get some opinions/perspective I suppose. As a caveat I do struggle sometimes with relationships due to being autistic, but I've also had a very abusive long-term relationship in my 20s and was brought up in an environment with DV and substance misuse, so never really experienced a 'normal' relationship.

I turned 40 in December, also had a hysterectomy last year due to endometriosis. Struggled massively with the menopause at first but got the combo of HRT right now and feel back to my best (better in fact since I'm also eating well, sleeping well, exercising, etc.). The flip side of this is it's also made me realise that I don't want to be alone forever. Most recent dating was someone I knew in real life, turned out to be a total liar and loser, he'd love to rekindle but absolutely not - my lines have been drawn.

I'm on several dating apps but never seem to find anyone I want to match with. I know I have standards but don't think they are massively high - someone who takes care of themselves, has a decent job and own home, is what I find attractive (obviously there are other things I value but can't tell these from an app). I'd prefer someone without children but it's not a dealbreaker and I have dated people with kids before. It just feels completely soul destroying!

In terms of 'real life', I don't do very much other than work and go to the gym. There are no single men at work, and in the gym I very much put my head down and get on with it - I look like a tomato in lycra when I work out anyway! Pub quiz once a week - same regulars - and my friends are all in relationships/have kids so when we do socialise it's very much a catch-up for us and not really taking much notice of anyone else.

I guess I would just like advice around anything else I can do when my time/spare money for activities is limited - I feel I should leave the apps but then it's cutting off another potential opportunity! I'm not looking for anything too serious as I really value my own space/time - maybe someone I could see a couple of times a week, dinner, movie, etc. and eventually a cosy night in. I'm not necessarily looking for marriage but it would be nice, and obviously there will be no future children.

I don't think the issue is me as I have plenty of men wanting to match.

Perhaps you could join a group? Local NT Supporters Group or local history group? A walking group at the weekend? You have to do more on the app than just look at photos

I would stop being so scared of matching people on the apps and just speak to as many people as possible and meet up early for a short chilled date - coffee or a walk or something.

You never know what someone is like from a two line précis they cringed whilst writing and a handful of selfies.

@Rocknrollstar all good ideas in theory but they really aren't my kind of thing, I don't really do outdoors/NT - I do have some interests but I live in a small, northern, working class town where the local hobbies are more likely to be painting roundabouts than cultural enrichment

@Lmnop22 but that sounds like having to lower my standards and match with people I wouldn't normally - I don't really have time to be having date after date with different people...

Hello fellow gym tomato! 🍅
Although I think the online dating scene is a bit different to when I used them, I do think there's a lot to be said for meeting people fairly quickly rather than spending ages chatting online/messaging to see if you think you'll get on, whether they are going to be "right" for you.
Worth just jumping into meeting for a quick (safely planned) coffee. How you feel in real life might surprise you. Also rules out some time wasters who don't intend to meet up ever (married people, people who aren't really interested but like to keep options open, people who like to have lots of messages but aren't really looking for a relationship).
I met my husband online 10 years ago. We arranged to meet quickly. I imagine if we had spent too long chatting online or messaging we probably could have talked ourselves out of liking each other because we both are not perfect! But once we'd met in person and felt some chemistry and laughed together (a lot), I knew it was worth pursuing. There are things about people's personalities that you just can't get without meeting face to face.
That's not to say lower your standards but decide what are the key things you need, what things you don't want and then get out there and meet some people.
You probably will meet some duds but it's worth the investment.

@MizzMozz I think you're right - two of my friends also met people online they're now married to but that was quite a few years ago now! Half the time now they're either AI or have been posted on 'Are we dating the same guy?' repeatedly about DV history!

If I do match with someone I always like to meet them pretty quickly. Had a date recently but there just wasn't the spark. I'm worried about finding time to go on multiple dates though!

Don’t change your non negotiables that are linear and clear from profiles - age, location, kids etc but I really think everything else you need to learn from someone by talking.

I’m not saying date anyone and everyone but be most generous with matching, slightly less generous with a few conversations, then slightly less generous again with coffee dates. You’ll naturally weed out only reasonable options by the time you get to the dating stage so maybe you just ensure you don’t swipe the wrong way on a good match for you because of something in the profile which is not actually an issue

You have standards, but I wonder if they are compatible (or even required) with your desire for a casual relationship. Decent job, owns a property etc, they're very material things all for someone to see a couple times a week? If they're not long term material, does it matter?

@NowStartingOver I guess I would be open to something serious in time, definitely looking for long-term. I often find men who don't have their shit together (as in what I am looking for) tend to behave like immature teenagers in other aspects of their lives... not the sort of person I'd want to sit down and have dinner with