Closure after end of marriage

[Mumto21234]

Marriage ended last year due to Ex H having EA, whilst I was pregnant. Have 2 young kids, have been separated since and now only communicate re co parenting/sorting out things re separation.

I feel like ive never had an apology or acknowledgement of how badly he actually treated me.

I feel like part of me is still stuck in denial. I know deep down if we got back together I would just be delaying the inevitable and it would most likely eat me alive, but I feel like part of me is still in denial as to how this ever happened to us.

Anyone been through something similar and have tips on getting closure/acceptance that this is it?

It's exhausting and I just want to make peace with it for myself.

And just as a side note im doing all the things people usually recommend - focusing on me and the kids, getting in to hobbies, seeing friends, minimal contact etc. But just feel stuck in the disbelief stage

My advice would be to move on from all of it, even if you do happen to get the closure you seek, it might not be what you want/ are expecting to hear. Closure isn’t real and you’ll forever be left with questions unanswered. Someone told me once to be grateful that I don’t understand why someone had treated me the way they had. It stuck with me and I apply it to everything. Thank goodness I don’t understand the actions of others because I would never treat someone that way. Silence is everything.

I think closure comes with acceptance - he is never going to apologise or acknowledge how badly he treated you. He's probably already justified his behaviour in his own mind with all sorts of excuses.

I'm not saying it's easy but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't even think about getting back with him, that would be the worst thing you could do. I would look at accessing some counselling for yourself.

The closure will come when you build yourself up enough to the point where you look back and think how did he ever think he was good enough for me and I wouldn’t take him back if he paid me 5 million quid. Turn the focus off him and on you. Build a life he could never be worthy of being part of alongside raising your standards and boundaries up to what you deserve and you won’t look back. Never seek closure from he who betrayed you

Get therapy for closure, if that's what you think you need. Unfortunately you will never get it from him. My ex had an affair, caught red handed, marriage broke down, yet I never received an apology/explanation. In fact, he still tried to DENY the affair (despite the irrefutable evidence). So sometimes you just can't/don't get the closure you seek.

I’m in a bit of a similar position. I’m not in denial but I do look for the answer to the question of ‘where did it all go wrong?’

I keep reminding myself that his behaviour/actions/choices don’t make sense to me because I would never do it. On many days I am consumed with anger over it however and I don’t know how to get past that.

I think the "closure/acceptance" you refer to happens more with time. As time progresses you often see things with more clarity how badly somebody behaved.

This is slightly more tricky when you still have to communicate with an ex re co-parenting.

Distance away from a situation for 6+ months usually brings enlightenment kind of acceptance (if not having to see and speak to that person due to kids).

Also in my experience often the person who did you wrong will do something else wrong within 6 to 12 months (behave badly to someone else / some mutual family friend or connected person) and you will get to hear about it. **

* Not only does the leopard not change spots, but often the spots display much more clearly and brightly and sometimes karma turns up as well to show exactly how bad the leopard is and that they have* had to face consequences for their actions even if those consequences either did not show up for months, or were not known by you for many months.

Thanks everyone, i genuinely do appreciate the responses.

I think I know deep down he cant be the one to give me the closure and I need to work on that for myself. Im just over being in denial/disbelief and want to be ready to get on with life. But i suppose it will come with time, hopefully!

Someone on here said once to aim for indifference and that is the plan, just hard when he meant so much to me.

Just having a rough couple of days I think!

@Mumto21234 I’ve seen a few of your posts and I can see how much you’ve been struggling. Your STBXH has treated you awfully and at a time when you are at your most vulnerable. As far as I can see he’s never apologised to you or shown you any kindness or compassion. It incredibly painful and hard when the person who is supposed to be your person treats you so cruelly and unkindly. He isn’t going to give you closure unfortunately, you are going to have to find that by yourself.

Have you had any counselling? I really think that may help you, at the moment you are reliving the trauma and speaking to someone could really help.

@Inthedeep I have just sent a few enquiries away so hoping to get something sorted soon.

It just feels like such a waste of what we had for so many years, for it to end like this. And to think that he has probably rewrote history in his own head makes me sad.

I dont always feel this sad, sometimes I am just getting on with it. Some days are better than others, its just sad there's no other words for it.

I think we always want an explanation so that we can understand why a marriage ended. Sometimes you just don't get that closure and are left with a lot of questions that are unanswered.

It just takes time to accept it. It's still early days and it's a lot to take in, especially when you have young children. You just have to keep focusing on them and focus on putting one foot in front of the other each day. Don't forget to look after yourself also.

One day in the future, you WILL get to indifference.

@Channellingsophistication god I cant wait for that day!

Years ago I had an abusive relationship with cheating and it affected me for a very long time afterwards. I often imagined what it would be like to receive an explanation and an apology.

Recently I’ve had one. And I really couldn’t care less. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

@Mumto21234 Sorry you're going through this.

My marriage of 20 years ended 2 years ago. For a long time, I was in shock, heartbroken and grieving. My ex had been emotionally abusive, depressed and anxious throughout the entire marriage, but the last few years were much worse. He had a mental breakdown, his behaviour was awful and he blamed everything on me.

At the beginning of our separation I kept trying to talk to him, to understand why he'd behaved how he did. I even apologised to him for anything I'd done in the marriage that could have harmed him. I just wanted him to take accountability and see how his behaviour had affected me. But it was like talking to a brick wall. He refused to engage and just kept saying "I'm not talking to you about anything, you just get emotional" (which was a lie!).

I also felt like he had rewritten history and was probably telling everyone his version of events. In fact at one point he told me that his mental breakdown was mainly because of me (not his lifelong depression and anxiety, of course not!). It was so frustrating being gaslit by him and not being able to do anything about it. But to be honest that was how it had been throughout our relationship anyway.

So at some point I realised that he was never going to explain or apologise. I had therapy, talked to friends, wrote endlessly in journals and now I'm at the point where I honestly couldn't care if he apologises or not! I sometimes feel nostalgic and sad about everything, but know I would never want to get back with him, whereas for the first year I kept wondering if we should give it another go.

So I think there is definitely a process to go through and it can take time for all the feelings to come up and be processed. Take care of yourself, and you will honestly feel better in time. At one point I thought I would be grieving for the rest of my life, the feelings were so strong - but they do eventually pass!

You won't ever get the apology because they either feel that they didn't do anything wrong, or they were justified because of your behaviour, anything basically that makes it not their fault.

I agree that closure comes with your acceptance of your new life. I told DD when she was struggling, that she needs to love the life she has , not sit around crying and mourning that life that she will never have. (She was only preschool when he left so it hit her a few years later when she was bullied for not having a dad).

Counselling will help you a lot, to look at it from a different view, and to move forwards.

I am over 10 years down the line now. It was very hard in the first few years, and I had a lot of counselling in the first couple of years, but over time, you just settle back into life again.