I've no idea about relationships

[BluePonyClub]

Even though I've been in one for years now with two children I don't know if I'm being intolerant. So been together 10 years and 2 small kids later we are right on the bad end of the verge of breaking up. He's had enough now, I've also had enough.

I feel like he has some things going on maybe insecurities or something but I really don't know anymore as he never talks. It's like he never has a problem until I bring up a problem then he can tell me I'm being horrible, I nit pick and I'm bringing him down which I hate that I'm doing that. At the same time I do speak up if I'm not happy even if it's something like house work like I can't say anything. Tonight after a tense few days I just said look I don't want to be feeling so annoyed with you anymore it's not doing anyone any good. Maybe we have to accept we aren't right for each other anymore and that I think you're not strong enough for me... Which I do believe is the case. I manage everything. My brain doesn't shut off. Yes he does his "jobs" and works hard at his job and provides so that's why this keeps getting lost on other people including himself. Anyway I was met with alot of hostility which I get but it was getting spiteful like where I was trying to tell him how I feel in the relationship he was just telling me I'm making him feel like shit on the ground.. and that why have kids with me then.. all that sort of stuff he just goes into attack and I'm so so tired of it. He seems to think this comes out of absolute nowhere. He acts like his mind is blown.

Look, we do get on but this whole managing our lives isn't working, our communication styles clash so much we rarely come to an agreement. Most conversations end with him shutting down and not speaking which respectfully sometimes we all need to walk away at times but this is like stonewalling. His aim with his words is to attack me and hurt where I see these as hard conversations that need to be had. I've no experience in relationship from anyone but I know what I want and feel and I believe relationship go through horrible times but have to have these hard conversations.

I do want it to work well we have a whole family but it's not working. I can't keep coaching him through conversations or emotional maturity either we're capable or not. I've tried hard to work through things but tonight he's said it's all been a waste and like it's nothing for me! Tie kids into the mix well I can already see it's not ideal but I need to be happy too now and this is so far from the life I imagined. I'm making the most of it but I hate where we live, where we are raising the kids in terms of community, my own work has been a miserable affair which I'm changing and then home isn't even a safe haven.

Tomorrow he will take no responsibility for anything he's said and move on like nothing and I'll have to talk him through why I may not feel like being affectionate or why I'm a bit moody towards him and I just can't be in that role anymore.

With a copious amount of therapy leading to couples therapy can there be any love found again. I'd be happy with just finding a common ground at this stage. People don't really change do they...

I don't think they do - well done for speaking up and don't waste any more time with this man than you have too. You've only got one life xxx

Therapy can definitely help to improve communication. That's the whole point of it really, as far as I am concerned. So it'll be a good start regardless of whether it will bring you closer or help you separate amicably.

I can see why saying ‘you are not strong enough for me’ led to a row. He will have heard those as words aiming to attack and hurt him, just as you experience his words to him.

Having said that, you are clearly utterly worn down, exhausted and at the end of your tether.

Try therapy if you want to, but personally I don’t rate most therapists. There’s a few who are gold dust, but it’s trying to find them. You’d both need to be fully engaged snd motivated for it to work too. I’d try to find a Gottman trained therapist, as their approach is very evidence based ( for example they say most couples therapy failed as it was just about communication).

People can change but it’s very hard to do, and even harder to maintain.

You’d both need to think hard about whether you want to commit to that, or whether it’s best to separate.

Therapy can help with communication.

Unfortunately, many men are like this - brought up not to discuss their feelings and worries in a healthy way so they come out as a deluge when you express yours.

It's why women get so frustrated. Most women would want to discuss and support someone through their own concerns because it's what we do for each other and we can see the benefits of it and know it helps. Many men find it difficult and see it as weakness.

Then, they get defensive when their wives/partners raise concerns because they see it as criticism rather than an attempt/opportunity to resolve mutual concerns. All they can see are their concerns which they haven't raised and they feel attacked and aggrieved.

It's not you who doesn't know how to do relationships it's because many men aren't capable of the most fundamental.part of a relationship which is to 'relate' to another person.

I think you are more describing an autistic man than a NT man. I know many NT men who understand relationships are about relating. I don’t know any Autistic men who do ( and I’ve known a fair few autistic men, including ex H and my Father).

@GreyCarpet I do understand men don't communicate but he can communicate when push comes to shove. It has to get really bad between us and all I want is to tell him the truth about how I'm feeling. It's been so rough I look 10 years older I'm not present most days..

Interesting you say about Autism @thoseboxessmellbob. He's currently been assessed for ADHD which would explain some things but not others