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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Frugal or Stingy?

20 replies

SisterEmmanuel · 09/02/2026 19:48

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10 months in a long-distance relationship. We see each other at weekends either at his place or mine. He earns a 6 figure salary and his take-home pay is five times the amount I earn. Although he's treated me to weekends away, on a week-by-week basis, I find that I'm spending as much as he is on lunches, food and entertainment; sometimes more. The other day he stepped back and let me pay for lunch again. I instinctively felt this was unfair as I'd already paid theatre tickets that day and I’m chauffeuring him around in my car. He rarely drives and gets the train everywhere so every outing is in my car although he does have a car, he rarely uses it. I buy him lots of little gifts - far more than he buys me. I do the lion’s share of the cooking regardless of whose house we’re at. My gut feeling is that there is an unfair imbalance. Generally, I’d say he’s frugal but I’m not convinced he isn’t stingy too. I’ve had large house and car repair bills recently and feel like I’m starting to dig into savings just to make ends meet. What’s a tactful way to broach the subject of finances with him?

OP posts:
doobaz · 09/02/2026 19:55

I've been in relationships like this, it's such a turn off; nothing worse than a miser!
He earns a lot more than you, so he should be treating you. If you do pull him up on it, he may start paying more, but it will be begrudgingly. He won't change!

ThatMintMember · 09/02/2026 19:57

I'd try and find out what his disposable income is? Just because he earns a lot doesn't mean he has all that as spending money. Does he have a mortgage? Car payment? Debt?

Slowcooknocook · 09/02/2026 19:58

He’s miserly. Don’t allow him to treat you like his indulgent mother.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2026 19:59

He needs to become your ex bf now. Nothing much is more off putting than someone who is tight. Mean with money mean with love is he.

Bonkers1966 · 09/02/2026 20:00

This may very well be him testing you because he knows he out earns you. His bros are probably warning him about gold diggers 😂
That said, you are not helping by buying him stuff as well as cooking and whatever else you do. Try pulling back a bit. Say you can't do lunch because you can't afford it. Make it clear you are trying to live within your means. His reaction should tell you everything you need to know.

Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours · 09/02/2026 20:01

My ex wouldn't put his heating on, even for his children. He earnt three times what I did, his mortgage was less than my rent. Was always very happy for me to drive us around and pay for meals and events.

I'm happy to always pay my own way but skinflints are not attractive.

TwistedWonder · 09/02/2026 20:01

He’s not only a stingy fucker, he’s freeloading off of you knowing you earn significantly less. I can’t think of many more unattractive traits tbh.

I will always pay my own way but it should be fair. stop buying him gifts - he doesn’t deserve being treated

LittleCrumblyBiscuit · 09/02/2026 20:02

Start saying no I’m sorry I can’t afford that. He sounds like a miser, very unattractive.

dadtoateen · 09/02/2026 20:03

Just because he earns more doesn’t necessarily mean he has lots of disposable income..

you both should share all the costs, that’s life!

upstairsdownstairscardboardbox · 09/02/2026 20:06

Ugh these men want a nurse with a purse, or a chef and driver with a purse in this mans case. Grim and unappealing.

TwistedWonder · 09/02/2026 20:09

Why are you doing the cooking at his house?

CeffylCoch · 10/02/2026 13:35

Stop buying him gifts, stop cooking every time. Ask him to pay his half of the bill

VenusClapTrap · 12/02/2026 08:41

When I started dating DH I tried to make sure things were fair by taking it in turns to pay for stuff, and to try to ‘keep up’ matching his lifestyle - he earnt far more than me. He is a very literal person, so when I said “I’ll pay” he’d say “Ok” assuming quite simply that if I was offering, then I could afford it.

When he suggested a luxury weekend away, I finally had to admit I couldn’t afford it. It was a difficult admission, and I wasn’t sure how he’d react, half expecting him to just go without me. But he just shrugged and suggested he could pay for both of us.

When he realised I’d been struggling to keep up an equal share of our dating ‘costs’, he couldn’t understand why I hadn’t said anything sooner. He said he’d just credited me with the intelligence to not pay for stuff I couldn’t afford. After that he just started paying for most stuff, and I stopped worrying about keeping things ‘fair’, because it’s not fair if it’s beyond you.

So have the conversation. You might be pleasantly surprised. Or, he might be just a stingy freeloader, in which case, ditch and move on!

Dweetfidilove · 12/02/2026 09:45

For me, once this kind of shit crops up, I'm out. I'm not in the mindset of teaching grown men to do/be things that should be inherent.

When I used to visit men's homes, they provided the food and cooked.

If one person is always driving, the other offers to buy dinner/drinks/fuel or such.

I don't even understand the 'falling back so you can pay, when you didn't offer to get lunch'.

When my daughter and I discuss dating and relationships, I stress the importance of being with a generous man (ideally like her father and grandfather). For all her father's faults, our relationship would've been a lot harder if he was stingy.
There's nothing worse than meanness ☹️.

mindutopia · 12/02/2026 15:16

It sounds to me like you’ve set yourself up for this. Stop buying him gifts for a start. I can’t really think of any gifts I bought Dh when we were dating other than birthday, Christmas, anniversary. And those were mostly just a shared experience out or a bottle of wine to share. Stop doing all the cooking. Stop offering to do all the driving. You can’t complain he’s saying, yes, okay, every time you offer. Stop offering. Some people have a habit of spending on others when they’re anxious about their worth and want to be liked. Enjoy your time together, but rein in all the spending. If you go out to lunch and he doesn’t spring to pay, say ‘shall we split this one?’ Then it’s always equal.

LucyLoo1972 · 12/02/2026 23:44

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2026 19:59

He needs to become your ex bf now. Nothing much is more off putting than someone who is tight. Mean with money mean with love is he.

this was my husband and it broke me and I went into psychosis from stress of this along with other factors

LucyLoo1972 · 12/02/2026 23:46

TwistedWonder · 09/02/2026 20:09

Why are you doing the cooking at his house?

I did this too always. I was a mug

DeborahVance · 13/02/2026 06:04

I bet you're paying for all the food you cook for him aren't you. Tbh he sounds really stingy but have the conversation with him.

Lampzade · 13/02/2026 06:10

My mother always warned me not to marry a stingy man as one would be forever miserable .Just because someone earns a good salary or is wealthy it doesn’t mean that they will be generous .
One of the wealthiest people I know is the stingiest person I know.
Honestly , it will not get better .

pilates · 13/02/2026 06:15

The fact that you will need to spell it out to him is unattractive. He is taking advantage of you and that would turn me off.

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