Is it all in my head? Am I the problem?

[Dontbeaaaaad]

This is going to be a lengthy post, and I apologise.

I dont really know where to start. I (28F) have been with my partner (29M) for a decade. We have 2 children, 5yo and 1yo (nearly 2yo). Things between us were great at the start, but turned sour a few years on. He had family issues and honestly just turned into a completely different person. Now no contact with his family as hes horrible to them, though they arent much better with him either and excluded him completely for not going along with what ever they wanted. I do sympathise with him for this, as I can't imagine how hard it is, but he makes matters worse for himself.

Present day he is awful to me. He is verbally abusive, calls me names, called me a 'slag' last week, in a very nasty tone, when we we're having a small drink together, for dancing and singing to a pop song. It was humiliating, to be honest. He constantly tells me I make no effort with anything. He has a small self employment business, and for some reason expects me to help him every step of the way with it despite him only benefitting from it financially. He lost his job which is why he started it, and it is just me paying for everything right now. He sends me the money from this little business, but it doesnt even cover his half of the rent. He knows im really not happy about this, as he could just get a job and itd be fine but hes refusing.

He doesnt help whatsoever with the children. He waits for them to come to his room and sits them on his laptop to watch cartoons and otherwise just sits there. Will sometimes engage in play with them.

Gives me the silent treatment for weeks over issues he makes up out of thin air, usually. It used to be because he was tying to control what I ate, and I just wasnt having it. If he found food he didn't "allow" me to eat, he would destroy/bin it, and again give me the silent testament, followed by an abusive rant about how disgusting I am.

Then out of nowhere decides he wants to be fine, and if im not fine, it gets worse. A lot of the time I would just be fine to keep the peace cos I was honestly so exhausted from dealing with it all the time. These days I don't just go back to normal because im sick of the emotional torment and whiplash from doing so but the arguing (over messenger) is just constant.

One minute well be arguing, the next he messages me completely normally like nothing has been said. Its really affecting my mental state in a way that I cant even describe. I feel like I dont even know who I am anymore to be honest. Compounded by the fact he tells me I have no interests, hobbies, nothing about me, just sit doomscrolling all day. Which I don't, i care for my children constantly alone when theyre not at nursery, and when they are I do housework. I am on leave from work as I dont even trust him with them anymore. The last time he had them at work he was harassing me with messages nonstop, and everything blew up. It was horrible.

I could rant on and on about how awful he has been to me, but no doubt by now you get the idea.

I know someone will ask what are his good qualities? And honestly I dont really have an answer. When hes ok, hes fine. He plays with the kids, does a bit of housework. Bare minimum that ive been trained to accept. Always talks about himself and his own stuff, never asks about me. I do have interests and hobbies he doesn't even know about, cos he doesn't care to ask.

Now I'm not trying to paint myself out to be a saint, I'm really not. Im nasty to him too, but the difference is im only ever abusive as a reaction. I only start on him if he starts on me, and I hate doing it its exhausting. Its affecting me as a parent now, too. Im snappy and shouty and short tempered with my kids because im so down and in such a bad mood about it most of the time. I honestly prefer it when he's in a mood and sat sulking in his room because at least he isnt there. Its such a depressing way to live. I just hate that my kids are getting this rubbish version of me, and I cant help but feel like its my fault.

He says its all in my head and im the problem and I dont try to encourage healthy habits with the kids (he is obsessed with being healthy) and i explained i only ever gave them unhealthy food to cope with crying and tantrums because he was never there to help. He doesnt accept this and says its an excuse to be lazy, and that hes there if I need him all i have to do is ask. This infuriates me as I repeat to him nobody should have to ask him to be a parent.

I also enjoy shopping, I like to buy little bits here and there just because, it makes me happy and I dont have much else. No friends because I can never go out with them as he won't have the kids. He complains about my spending, too. Im spending around £10 a day on average id say, nothing crazy but not great. I just defend myself in that it is my money, he uses enough as it is on his did rent bills etc, I can spend it how I like - though deep down would like to stop shopping every day as I know this isnt ok. I just dont like admitting t to him as he will take it and run with to say I told you so.

My ultimatum is that I want to leave. I think we are both toxic and being in a relationship is a horrible idea. I know I should have realised this earlier but I didnt. I was young and reckless when we had our children. However, im in a horrific financial situation until my 2nd child is in nursery full time, I cannot get a full tiem job until then and will still struggle with holiday childcare, etc. My other issues are that if I do leave, he has literally 0 means to move out himself alone. I know he has done this to himself by refusing to get a job, but I just feel heartless making him homeless with noone to call, etc.

I have raised to him many times that I want to separate, he plays victim and says im making him homeless, tearing the family apart, laughs at the concept of me trying to be a single mother and how trashy it is. As someone raised by a single mother, it just repulses me further from him.

My final and most important predicament is that I DO NOT want to tear my family apart. Is it even a family? Barely. Like a smashed up vase being held together with cheap glue. My kids do love him and like having him around, he is always kind to them, etc. Which is my main apprehension and around leaving, eventually. I especially feel my older child will hate me if I do this. Am I the bad guy if I do this? Shall I just stick it out for the kids? Am I ruining their life by staying, or leaving?

I know i am the worst mum in the world right now, im tearing up as I write this. Im such an idiot for getting myself into this situation which is so typical of me because everything I do just ends up being a disaster it seems.

Btw he will not ever go to therapy. He thinks its embarrassing and stupid and would seemingly rather lose his family than try and make it worse.

Sorry this has just been me rambling, I realise this is something I should say to a therapist but I don't have time to go because well, id have to take my kids with me.

Please advise

No, this is not in your head and no, you are not the problem.

You and your children are the priority. You need to get out of this situation. What family support do you have, if any?

You're not an idiot or a bad mum. You have recognised that you need to separate. His housing issues are not your problem or responsibility. Why are you worrying about the financial impact of splitting when he barely contributes? You'd probably get as much in benefits if you kicked him out.

It’s him not you.

You are harming your children by bringing them up with anyone who treats their mother this way. It’s teaching them how to control people. Do you really want them to learn this?

You child will hate you more if you subject them to living in a dysfunctional family when you have a choice to separate. Ask me how I know... Luckily, I was able to repair my relationship with my mum but I am still baffled at the fact that she chose to stay with my father "for the children". I was not a happy child in that environment.

Maybe your outbursts and your shopping addiction is problematic, maybe feeding unhealthy food to your kids to cope with their tantrums isn't the wisest choice. But that's not a fundamental problem we are looking at here.

We are looking at your partner (to use the term loosely) who is not wired for a healthy relationship, is unemployed and doesn't provide any practical support. And is being mean to you. His housing is not your problem and not something you need to feel guilty about. I was made homeless when my relationship ended. I handled it as an adult by calling on friends for immediate help and then organising somewhere to live. It was expensive and it was a complete relocation from everywhere I knew. But guess what, as an adult I made it work in my favour too. If your partner is not an adult who can make it happen, tough shit. Still not your problem.

If kids love him, that's great. Nobody is stopping him from being a father after separation. I've dated many single men who were very involved fathers of the kids from previous relationships. It's quite normal and expected.

Get rid of him, start a new life with your children.

It is definitely not in your head.

You don’t want to tear your family apart - that is because you are still clinging to a hope that somehow magically this will turn out to be a lovely family, loving and caring about each other and something your kids will remember fondly when grown up.

This won’t be that. So many of us cling to such a hope for way too long only to get out and realise that it was the absolute best decision of our lives.

He won’t get better, he won’t magically transform into a person he is not. What you see is what you get- nasty miserable and abusive man that tears you down at every opportunity.

Start with accepting that this is the reality. He won’t change. Radical acceptance. Stop clinging to magical thinking and hope and once you have accepted the reality, make plans to leave. He is a grown up, he will have to deal with it. Not your problem.

I have raised to him many times that I want to separate,

You don't need to raise it with him.
You don't need his permission or agreement.
You just do it.

Just save up the money for a deposit and move out.
Can you go and stay with your parents or a friend?
Is it bad enough for you to call Woman's Aid and see about going into a refuge? Or can you stick it out until you can rent somewhere?
Don't worry about the 5yo school - that is not a reason to hold you back from moving wherever you need to go.

Then if you have a mortgage on a shared house, see a solicitor about getting your share of the equity back.
If you and he are renting, let the landlord know you have moved and to take you off the tenancy.
Also let utility companies etc. know you have moved out and the date from which to take you off the bills (if they are in your name).

You’re not the problem he is abusive and horrible and you should leave the bastard, you’ll be so much happier single than with a man like that in your home, so will your kids

figure out how to kick him out or move out yourself. If he needs to he will find a job to pay his rent, don’t get drawn in by sob stores that you’re making him homeless- his actions have led to what ever living situation he finds himself in.
You ask are you “ruining their life by staying, or leaving?” Given what you’ve written about the dynamic you are doing more damage to stay. They are witnessing his emotional abuse of you. When they are grown they are more likely to thank you for protecting them. If you stay they will ask why you didn’t protect them.

You are strong, switch off from him, look up grey rock - stop engaging, build an emotional wall; then you can channel your strength and energy into figuring the logistics and finances of splitting. It is possible… there is always a way.

I had one of those. It's not you. One step at a time. Get some legal advice first.

You met when you were practically children, and unfortunately he has grown up into a revolting, abusive excuse for a man. Most relationships started as teens fizzle out as people grow up and apart, so you aren’t unusual. For your sake, and that of the children in this mess, you have to just break away now and stop exposing yourself, and more importantly them, to such dysfunctional adult relationships. They will have stability from living elsewhere with you, with a safe and predictable home life. Nothing about what they have now is stable or secure.