Friend - To keep making the effort or stop bothering?

[turniptoe]

Friend of around 20 years has slowly disappeared. Pre Xmas we would have seen each other every week/2 weeks for a coffee/walk etc. Text daily or thereabouts. They got a new job pre Xmas and subsequently split with husband after Xmas, although was a long time coming and her decision. Said it was a relief after all this time and she felt free and couldn't be happier. There was a positive change in attitude, mood etc. They have 2 kids both older primary age. I mention the new job because she seems to have made a friend very quickly and was saying about how well this lady knew her personality, likes, dislikes etc compared to her husband etc. I personally thought it was a bit much, but said nothing and thought it was good they were happy at work.

I had seen her several times since the end of December but from about mid - Jan, it's been pretty much crickets. When they first split with husband I was checking in every couple of days to see how they were etc and lend an ear. I am limited in practical help as I have a newborn baby, but would always do my best if anything was needed. They have pretty good family help too.

They are still active on their WhatsApp and fb messenger but I don't hear from them now unless I message first, even then it's minimal effort from their side. It's been 2 weeks since I last spoke with her. And was 2 weeks before that too. Maybe I am expecting too much.

I almost feel I am at the point where I just let them get on with things and if I hear from them ok, if I don't, I don't. Maybe she feels I should still be messaging asking how she is etc. Not sure what is the best approach.

Your friend is going through a bit of a.. challenging time.. even if it doesn't seem that way on the surface. When I split with my ex, I actually moved out of my area completely and became heavily involved in new circles, hobbies and friendships. It was my way of coping and it worked.

I also didn't reach out to friends much after the first couple of weeks because I felt guilty that all I can offer them is my emotional turmoil. And my brain was telling me nobody would want that, even though I realise that these people are my friends and they were worried about me regardless. And people who really saw me at my lowest... yeah, it was hard to overcome the shame too.
On the surface, I was thriving. New place, new life, new friendships, adventures. Internally, I was finding the new stable base and felt incredibly fragile.
So, maybe don't read into it for now. Give her time to settle. If she is a friend of 20 years, nothing can shake your bond. I have an old friend and there have been long periods in our lives where we would see each other once a year and not talk in-between. But our friendship survived through time.

@catzaThank you for not jumping on me! I suspected I might get some people who would as is the mumsnet way! I suspect it is probably as you have said, certainly to some extent at the very least. I am glad you have made it through the other side of a tough time.
I don't want her to feel like I've forgotten her but also don't want to pester either. I will give her time and just continue to check in from time to time and lend that ear if needed.

It’s interesting you mention the new job and this lady she works with ‘knowing her so well’. Are you thinking it might be something more than friendship? And that’s why she’s keeping her distance while she gets her head around things? Otherwise I would just keep checking in every two or three weeks and see how it goes.