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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wanting my friend to ‘want me’

10 replies

FinallyPregnant2022 · 08/02/2026 19:10

I know the title sounds a bit needy….

I have a good friend who I love spending time with and over the years we’ve done loads together - nights out, outdoor adventures, foreign trips but as the years go on feel like she isn’t making the effort particularly since I’ve had kids (she is child-free by choice).
I am forever suggesting ‘child-free’ outings - drinks/walks etc and make it clear that I prioritise plans with her over other things - sometimes they happen sometimes they don’t.

What I find annoying is that I am clearly not such a priority for her. She’ll tell me she’s stressed and busy so I’ll leave her alone but will then see photos on social media of her happily socialising with other people - some of these people she complains to me that they are flaky!!!

How do I deal with this - am I too needy and making too much of an effort? Does she feel that she doesn’t need to make and effort as I am ‘always there’.
Over the last few months I have backed off a bit - I think she notices because every so often I’ll get a flurry of messages with promises of a meet up but we quickly rever to the old same old.

Really don’t want to give up on this friend and she’s great company but unsure how to manage really.

OP posts:
SpigTheFish · 08/02/2026 19:14

It sounds as if your lives have diverged, so you naturally have less in common.

Do you talk about your children and husband a lot? There's nothing wrong with that obviously but if she cant join in then it can be one-sided.

In your place, I'd keep in touch but match her effort. Sometimes, friendships fade away.

BrownFlower2 · 08/02/2026 19:45

I think you are right in one aspect in that she may think you will always be there as she notices when you pull back.

But also, as @SpigTheFish says, it may be that you just have less in common now.

Whilst my friend has kids, I have remained child free, our paths have diverged. We're still friends but not super close friends anymore IFSWIM? As time has passed our life's have changed and we won't ever get the friendship back exactly as it was15 years ago.

If you keep trying and she sounds enthusiastic, but then nothing happens or changes then it may be that you are on different paths now. It's painful but I think it hapoens to most people at some point

Pinkissmart · 08/02/2026 19:54

Why do you have to give up?
Relationships ebb and flow.

Mary46 · 08/02/2026 21:41

How long are you friends? Maybe you havent as much in common now. Wouldnt chase her op..

Lis06 · 08/02/2026 21:54

Stop chasing, let her come to you

FinallyPregnant2022 · 08/02/2026 22:03

I’ve tried to keep things ‘child free’ although when she sees them she is lovely with my kids and insists that she ‘likes them’ and wants to spend time with them although she rarely does.
I don’t plan on ditching her - we’ve been friends for too long but I might be naive….I’d just like the same level of effort back that’s all.
might a bit of a ‘cold shoulder’ help 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Lis06 · 08/02/2026 22:11

I feel the same about a friend, I back away and then she will get in touch and I think aww she does care. But lately I have noticed it's all about her, I ask the questions about her life , her kids and I notice she doesn't ask me a whole lot. I'm coming to the conclusion that people are so wrapped up in themselves that they forget about others

Sweetiedarling7 · 08/02/2026 22:14

I have exactly the same situation with a friend. I am pulling back and leaving her to make a bit of effort if she wants to.
I wouldn’t ever cut her off but nobody wants to feel like they are begging for attention.

Greenfinch7 · 08/02/2026 22:16

My thoughts would be… Don’t cold shoulder. Keep things warm when they happen but accept that they may happen less often.

I have a dear friend, childfree, who has come back into my life more now that my 3 kids are grown up. We never fell completely out of touch, but we are closer again now.

ForPinkDuck · 08/02/2026 22:28

It sounds alot needy op. Stay in touch via phone/text but give her some space. let her come to you. I know its difficult when friendships shift.

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