sometimes i feel like we havent recovered the relaionship and are still in carer/patient mode

[misdee]

dh is in bed again.

he went to clean the kicthen (imo he has just tidied it, not cleaned it, floor not been mopped etc). then all went quiet. i went to see what he was upto. and he has gone to sleep.

FGS i am shattered, and have been all week. i am not sleeping properly, and had to be up early this morning to collect dd1 from a giant sleepover with brownies.

but i dont get to sleep. and if i did sleep on a sunday afternoon i know he wont get dinner on, so would have to be awake at 2pm.

i asked if he could wash the car with the dd's. he said yeah sure. it wont get done.
i said to taje recycling down to tesco to get done, he said no, will do it tomorrow.

am fed up.

Has he been ill? Sorry, don't know history.

he had a heart transplant last august.

Misdee
Maybe you need to go back to basics and make a list of who does what?
I must be hard for both of you to go back to a regular relationship, after the trials of the last few years.
But you need to take it easy and get some rest.

physically he is fine.

i know he does get tired a lot quicker than a normal person, and he has been good at taking the girls to school and collecting them, but then i always get up at that time anyway, as he cant seem to get 3 dd's breakfasted and dressed in the morning. but i am just exhausted. he doesnt do any of the 'heavey' jobs like vacumning, lawnmowing, cooking etc, that is left to do. i still do the majority of stuff round the house, but he does the laundry a lot (but not all).

i really do think he needs a good shake up and talking to. but when i try he gets all defensive and stroppy. he honestly feels like he does a lot more than he actually does, and gets stressed easily.

What about sitting down and woking out what he is happy to do regularly? Not you saying 'I want you to do X' but 'I need more help, what could you do regularly?'. Start small...

Also, could your kids help out with the chores? Are they old enough to be responsible for stuff?

the kids do help out. dd1 vacummed the living room today. they have all tidied their bedrooms.

that's good

Would making it a family meeting help? Make him feel less got at?

How's the pg going btw?

am finding being pg absolutly exhausting thsi time. when i dont have morning sickness or heartburn i have the most awful headaches. am getting my eyes tested this week, as they are similar to the headaches i used to get before i wore glasses.

maybe it's a case of him regaining his fitness...? It can take time to build up stamina again, but I can see how this is of no help to you on a day to day basis.

Misdee - you need to sit down and discuss what he feels he is 'capable' of doing. It may be that he is genuinely unable. My DH does very little - he is a 'tidier' rather than a 'cleaner' and while I am not the tidiest person in the world, it drives me potty!

I am struggling tbh - not the pregnancy as such - the fibromyalgia and bloody back pain - and realised today that I have not sat down with dh and told him what I need him to do to help and what it is that I find difficult. We are in a slightly different situation in that he works full time and I work 2 days a week so uneven housework load is part and parcel of our daily routines.

If neither of you are working, then once you have both talked about just how much you both feel you are able to do - physically - then overlook the rest!

misdee - I followed your threads before DH's transplant - congrats on being pg!! I think for both of you there is bound to be a huge psychological after effect now that life is comparatively normal. At the time, you only focus on the transplant. How was DH so far as domestic chores were concerned before he was ill? That will show his attitude, after all lots of men rely on their women to all the domestic stuff. I think he may well have just got used to you taking charge and not have expectations of doing very much. You are obviously going to need him to be able to do more immediately before/after the new baby is born. I think you need to talk to him about how you are feeling. I think he is used to being cared for because it was how it had to be. He may not have realised that actually now he is capable and you need him to take care of you a bit. Hope it all works out.