Will it get better?

[blackreign]

I’m just posting as a bit of maybe guidance and to also hear if anyone else has been in my situation before. I’ll try and make it as short as I can.

Currently private renting with partner and we have a 1 year old DS. I can’t carry on in this relationship, it’s exhausting. I always had a full time job and then obviously I had a baby so that had to change, done mat leave and I couldn’t go back to my old role due to redundancy. I started training for a new role that’s flexible so I can do evenings, days when DS is at nursery and weekends.

Me and DP sat down a while ago and decided that I would be working to pay the nursery fees so he was happy for me not to work so I can raise DS and not send him to nursery. Great, happy days that’s fine and then I’ll work when he’s at school.

Anyway as it’s gone on I have received non stop financial abuse, I basically am made to feel like I should bow down and do whatever DP wants because all I’m doing is staying home with the baby and he has to work and pay the bills. Which he was the one who offered and put out there first. If we have an argument it’s “where’s your half of the rent this month” “you’re a bum” “how you going to pay for the bills then this month” it’s always these constant digs and empty threats.

I’m ready to go to the council tomorrow to mention this and ask for help but I need to take a breath and think about it logically. We’re both of the tenancy that is up for renewal in August, legally I have to ‘pay my way’ because it’s my name.

Do I have to sit here and wait until August to escape? I can go to family but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m on the tenancy so if DP stops paying half I’ll probably get debt collectors on me etc which I can’t deal with right now.

Living with family can’t be long term due to where they live, space etc but it’s definitely a step I can use when August comes down to it.

I’m sick of the verbal and financial abuse, I feel like a prisoner and looking after DS isn’t good enough for him. I’m worried to say anything incase it leads to abuse I just stay silent.

Can the council help me? I have looked into shelter etc but it mentions to go to the council about the abuse but I just am so scared r

Is there a way you can move in with family and have them help with childcare while you work?

You might have to pay rent until August but there's no way should you stay in that house with that abusive twunt.

Find a way to leave.

I would make an appointment with Citizen's Advice and ask if there's any benefits you can claim and if you can get help with childcare costs. Also speak to Women's Aid for advice and support in leaving an abusive relationship. You may have to pay your share of the rent until August but if you can move out and live with family while you look for employment, that would be much better for your mental healthy.

So sorry @blackreign , your partner sounds like a first-class asshole. No decent person treats their partner this way, especially after suggesting the setup themselves. I am so sick and tired of seeing people who should be a unit in every sense of the word abuse their partner due to finances, what is wrong with the world? My wife makes significantly less then me - There was a period of time she made nothing because she was at home with our tiny kids. Not once did I think about "who pays what" or "this is my portion, what is yours". We are a family, a UNIT - so the money that is on our bank account is OUR money. That is just so beyond me how people can function the opposite way - sorry, rant over, this is not about me.
I think such a negative, disgusting person can't change who he is... Unless these are just truly just terribly phrased jokes.. Did you talk to him about how this makes you feel? In all honesty, it is just so mean-spirited, I wouldn't want to be near someone like this..
The only truly complicated problem is the tenancy. Do you think you can talk about it with the landlord and find a solution? I am not sure what your setup is.. I certainly wouldn't like to keep paying my half of a rent if I am not even there and money itself is tight already. Maybe there is an option for you where an organisation could help you out, maybe along the lines of benefits or aid so you could leave the abusive situation...

Thanks everyone.

Unfortunately I can’t afford to pay the rent and not live there because I would also want to offer something to whichever family member I stay with, not a lot but just something.

I’m going to contact citizens advice tomorrow so see my options because I can’t walk on egg shells in my own home. I’m just sick of everything and sick of feeling so powerless. I just know I don’t want my son growing up in an environment like this where he will one day think it’s acceptable and I also want to show you don’t stand for that abuse.

I love the idea of a family unit but if I’m being honest, I don’t want anything to do with this man. When I eventually get away I want our contact to be son only and that’s it.

I just cannot wait to get a life back where I’m not being bullied every other day!! Until then I will just fake it until I make it I guess

Have you worked out what benefits you would be entitled to if you booted him out?

If you left where would your dp live if he stopped paying?
You really do have to leave, if not now then in August because obviously you can’t live like this but also because you will never forget this.
When the time comes he may shit himself and ‘see the error of his ways’ but you won’t forget this period when you were vulnerable and he used it against you. This type of behaviour will carry on in your relationship if you choose to stay with him he’s shown you who he is now and you cannot trust him or rely on him, when you needed help he abused you.
I was in the same position as you I gave up work when I had my first (25 years ago) and dp (now husband) said he will support us I would stay at home. The difference is he gave us everything and never once did he say a word about me not working. He is still like this and supports us all and still tells me I don’t have to work even though I do.

CA might suggest you speak to the landlord to ask whether you could terminate the rental early because of abuse. Some of the deposit might be retained to cover fees for getting a new tenant but worth it to get rid of this utter shitbag.

Op after May 1st you can give 2 months notice on your tenancy and that takes effect for all parties to the lease so the tenancy will end on July 31st. That ends your financial liability.
This is because the Renters Rights Act changes all fixed tenancies to a non fixed term.

Thanks everyone.

For where DP will live after… I don’t know or care. I was thinking of contacting the landlord but scared they may mention something to DP or if we receive an email about it from the letting agent etc. I want to go with as little trouble as possible so that’s why unfortunately I think August is my get out date.

I just wish I never got myself into this situation because now I’m so worried about mine and DS living situation, yes I have somewhere to go temporarily but I cannot afford to rent alone plus I’m not working so they will not even look at me if I applied! Even if I got benefits, I’m not sure landlords will opt for me over renters who work full time? I’ve never not worked so this is all so new and stressful to me.

I don’t know the process of emergency housing with the council if it came down to it but honestly I would rather be in a hotel room/bedsit ANYWHERE rather than here

Op the magic phrase is financial abuse and coercive control. Be sure to say that when asking to make a homelessness application at your local authority.

I'm sorry I made a calculation error. You can give 2 months notice on 1st May and the tenancy will terminate on 30th June.

Take advice from Shelter re terminating your tenancy and homelessness. The pertinent point is you cannot reasonably be expected to live with him due to the financial abuse so are not intentionally homeless.