can't afford to keep losing time and sleep

[ScarboroughFairy]

First I want to say that this is emotionally heavy, very intense, and I feel like I'm venting to a therapist.
This all began when he didn't want to spend time together and was leaving me to do everything. He was detatched from me and cold. He told me he had depression to justify it but wouldn't get help. After months of this and him having a female best friend intruding calling him and demanding his attention all the time (I never met her never wanted to) I told him I was leaving, very recently actually. And I was looking forward to going away for a few days even though it was mainly for a business meeting.
He then waited until I was hours away and had just arrived to tell me that the person he was seeing wasn't who I thought it was it wasn't his friend it was someone else and he is going to ask her out. He told me it's all my fault he's been seeing someone else because I nag and demand too much but he can have a nice time with her, he's been going to see her when telling me he was going out to see his friends. It makes so much sense. I only suspect I know who it is, someone he mentioned months ago. He told me not to worry about her, they are just friends, but I hadn't even enquired about it so that was suspicious. I think he is with her now.
I asked him well why do you want me then why are you still here letting me do all of this for you if you don't want me and he turned it around on me and said he doesn't know why I am still here and telling me that I am free to leave at any time, blaming me for my emotional out bursts after trying to wind me up deliberately which he is really good at. He said we keep trying to get back at each other.
So I admit there's been problems on both sides and I can get emotionally unstable having outbursts because I have to scan and think if he is doing something deliberately or not.
He bought her a necklace but wont even buy things that are needed and literally has never given me anything or contributed to the household. He said it's because I'm not nice to him. I have a long list of reasons that I don't like him and am sick of him.
I don't know why I got with him in the first place it all feels like a blur. I feel I have to prove I'm worth something to him whilst he tries to prove that I'm not.
I told him ok then I got serious with him said I was leaving if he has someone else so he tried to reel me back in and have a conversation about fixing the relationship and what we both need to do whilst continuing to see her as he is unsure if we will work out.
He said I make more money than him but he wants me to feel I can rely on him and wants to feel like a man.
I'm getting counselling soon but in the mean time I am losing sleep and besides binge watching TV shows I don't know what I should do, I am disassociating a lot, it's impacting my job, my mind keeps replaying it all and none of it makes sense to me and it's all caused me a lot of pain. Believe me I don't want to be in this situation anymore and wish I could cut him off without feeling the need to go back. There is no practical reason, they are ingrained emotional ties.

Who is this person to you OP? Do you live together? Married?

We're not married and we don't live together all the time but he stays here sometimes. As I said I'm not tied to him practically just emotionally

Then my honest answer? Find the block button, and use it.

Don’t look back. Block, delete, remove. You will heal far quicker and easier when you no longer have this person in your life and therapy while you’re still in contact with him is a bit like trying to empty the water from your glass while still holding it under a running tap.

Remove him from your life and then spend the time working through your feelings about that independently.

This is toxic. End the relationship. Do not be his back up in case it doesn't work out with his new bit. Cheeky custard.
You are not happy. Put yourself first & look forward to a happy future.

It sounds like you will be much better off without him in your life - he's a cheat, he's lazy, he's unkind. You've said yourself here that you don't like him. He sounds like an absolute wanker to be honest. Dump his ass and move on to a happier life!

That's the thing I have left him but now he's playing mind games trying to get me back trying to make me compete with someone else which I am not doing, he makes me feel sick I wish I had never met him. I wish I could forget about him and be done with it I feel like I've come down with something except I may never get rid of it

He's been panicking trying to wind me back in and it's not working so what will he try

Block him.

Honestly, the peace of mind you get once you know that he can't pop up again like a bad penny to stress you out is incomparable.

He is manipulative, so everything he does will be from a position of manipulating you. Take his ability away.

He can’t try anything if he can’t contact you. Block him, on everything.

Well done on ending the relationship

Now, he can only play mind games if you allow him any headspace.

Block, dodged a bullet there.

You have to train yourself to find the drama tedious and nonsensical.

There is absolutely zero point in trying to get him to understand that his behaviour is unacceptable or unreasonable.

There is no point in trying to understand his motivations. He’s just some immature knobhead spouting shite.

He’s shagging someone else? Generally being a manipulative deceitful whiny arse? Well then he’s not anyone worth spending any more time on. End of.

Doesn’t matter if he’s trying get you back. Nothing he does or says matters.

Disengage:

Ok that's a good point as I had been trying to reason with him and I think that's how this has been allowed to continue as he then tries to reason with me

The amount of time I've spent trying to reason with him or thinking that I'm not and just venting. Oh, it's the same thing. You are right he is a real knob head so there is no point. Yes he is doing all of those things. I realised the reason I am always snapping at him is because I hate him and don't want to be around him and talking to him and I told him so. hes saying the woman he has been seeing is always happy to see him so he doesnt see why I cant be. He said hed give me everything I need or want if I stop having outbursts at him. so I said well you could have done that before and you didnt so. And trying to rub something like that in my face when you don't contribute or do anything for me. And he's saying its because I'm like this, whilst I'm saying it's because he's like that. He said ive been really rude said yeah I know wont miss you bye! And that was the end of it, for now? I should be having a good time and honestly he is the sole reason that I am not. WHy is he trying to reel me back in saying this nonsense

Why is he trying to reel you back in? Stroking his ego. 2 woman wanting him (in his head).
Don't give him the pleasure. Prat. Ignore him.

Well, block him then

I was taught to 'understand' the person who was horrible to me. I was also taught that leaving without saying goodbye - and explaining myself if they wanted me to stay - was some kind of ghastly social crime. (For once ,this wasn't female-specific: my brother has the same issues.)

Once you're in therapy, @ScarboroughFairy, you may well find you've been similarly trained to be an ideal support system for ill-mannered bullies. You can get your process off to a flying start by blocking, deleting and ignoring that twat. PP was right, starting your therapy with this still ongoing is like emptying your glass while it's under a running tap!

For now, do yourself the biggest favour. Bite the bullet, apply the tourniquet, and remind yourself YOU DON'T NEED TO UNDERSTAND. It's irrelevant, immaterial, and you certainly don't need to give a fuck about what he wants or doesn't want! You owe him nothing any more. You owe yourself some freedom.
💪

He sounds awful.

You are trying to persuade yourself that he's playing these mind games because he cares about you. He doesn't. He enjoys playing mind-games.

Block him.

If you don't want to block him, ask yourself why you are so willing to engage with someone who enjoys hurting you, and why you are so unwilling to protect yourself. I've had to do this myself, and found it very enlightening - and helpful in spotting these types a lot sooner.

Recently, I found some notes on my phone about a relationship I was in around three years ago. I was confused, sad and asking all sorts of questions about why.

Reading it now, I feel absolutely neutral, maybe just wanting to give myself a hug. This man is no longer in my life and at the time the relationship consumed my thoughts. I felt unbalanced Now, reading those notes, nothing. Did I really feel like that?

You will get past this. But I agree with others that you need to take distancing action. You won’t ever get an explanation as to why. The only way to get closure is to stop him having any access to you. Shut that door yourself.

And in time, you’ll look back and feel… nothing. Maybe proud of yourself for getting through it. But you have to shut that door.

You deserve better than this, you really do.

Who cares?

Literally just message l say "the relationship over. I dont want any contact with you. Any further contact will be considered as harassment and treated as such."

Stop feeding into the drama.

He is a dickhead.

This. 100 times over. He doesn’t love you. He just can’t handle losing this game of cat and mouse so he’s trying to have the last word. He’s trying to reel you back in just so he can walk away.
This behaviour is immature, unattractive, a bit spiteful really and the real question isn’t *what will he do next?” but rather “why am I addicted to this drama?”

He'll have no opportunity to do any of this if you block him and delete his number. What you are experiencing right now is a simple case of dopamine withdrawal. Like any addiction, it will pass after a period of full detox. A couple of months, in my experience. The sooner you cut him off, the quicker you will start feeling better.