At the end of my rope

[GottaSpellItOut]

I’m at the end of my rope. Leaving and divorce not what I want. My after 11.5 years of marriage my husband’s slobby messy ways never change. We have two DDs 8 and 5. I work 30 hours. He works full time. I work 10 hour days to compress my time to have as much time at home as I can.

He eats something and leaves empty packets out, half full food packets out the fridge, doesn’t put anything away. Spills something and leaves it there. Does the kids dinners, leaves all the plates and spillages out. He’d put the next meal down on the dirty surface from the previous meals’ spillages. Uniforms from the day just strewn all over the floor and not picked up. His clothes just dumped at his arse. Pen pots fallen over the floor and not picked up so pens just all over the place. You name it - the mess is made. I’ve talked to him about it until im blue in the face. Argued, talked calmly. Nothing changes. Ive had to teach him how to clean the toilet after him to leave it clean for the next person. I find it so disrespectful and unloving.

otherwise a loyal husband. Loving to our children.

he can talk rudely to me often but is mr nice guy to everyone else. He says he loves me so much and uses the excuse that all spouses talk badly to each other, it can’t be like other friendships.

the mess and disrespect is making me depressed. I don’t know what to do.

is there an answer??

he can talk rudely to me often but is mr nice guy to everyone else. He says he loves me so much and uses the excuse that all spouses talk badly to each other, it can’t be like other friendships.
This is depressing. My DH doesn't talk rudely to me. Why can't it be like other friendships? DH is my greatest friend and the person I'd choose to spend time with above all others (though equal to DDs 😀) Would he agree to counselling so you can explore this with a neutral person?

The answer is to leave, but you’ve said you don’t want to do that so the only other answer really is learn to live with it- which personally I don’t think you should. Life is far too short.

Why don't you want to leave? He's setting an awful example to your kids.

It sounds as if he doesn't like you very much and is choosing to punish you by behaving this way. What a dickhead.

You cannot change another person so you either accept tidying up after him or accept living in a filthy hovel or get him to pay for a cleaner. Those are the only choices if you stay.

I highly recommend you don't accept verbal abuse though and should leave just for that. He's not a nice or kind person.

Why don’t you want to leave?. It’s not going to be done how easier for you to stay. He is showing a terrible example of a relationship to his children. And no not all spouses talk like your h does to you, an abusive spouse does that. This is who he really is, the nice act was a mirage.

There are no consequences to his behaviour, so it is working for him. He also gets to be disrespectful to you without consequence, whilst appearing to those on the outside a 'great guy'(which is a tactic to keep you where you are or else be seen as 'the crazy one' when you dump him).

The answer @GottaSpellItOut is that you have to make the change that will suit you. It sounds very much like he doesn't want you to be happy. You have to start making decisions that will benefit you and your children and stop dancing to his tune

In nearly 20yrs of marriage my husband has never raised his voice at me, sworn at me, called me names.

Why do you want to stay with a man like this? Your children will think this is acceptable if you stay and either end up like him or you and put up with awful behaviour.

What does loyal actually mean though? I would think loyal means being there as a partner and actually working together to make things work?

Imagine being elderly together and you might be in poor health, lacking in energy and drive to look after the slob.

I know what I’d do.

Stop doing it. See what happens when he runs out of clothes and there's no plates. You just wash yours and the children's immediately before use. Stop cooking for him and stop letting him get away with it. Steel yourself for an almighty mess though. If he still doesn't get it, bin him. If you won't do this just shut up and get on with it.

You haven't just got 2 children, you've got 3. He sounds like a spoilt teen. Only you can change things OP. He is not a good husband, he speaks to you rudely and as for being loyal, who else would put up with him? I agree with the pp, stop doing anything for him and concentrate your efforts on yourself and your daughters. Explain why and tell him his response will determine your future together.

Thank you all. I appreciate the help and advice. Feel so sad. Thank you for time x

"he can talk rudely to me often but is mr nice guy to everyone else. He says he loves me so much and uses the excuse that all spouses talk badly to each other, it can’t be like other friendships."

This is terrible. He should treat you BETTER than anyone else. How can you feel loved when he is so disrespectful?

You can't change him, because he is absolutely fine with you being upset. All you can do is set boundaries for yourself. Maybe the first boundary should be getting some counseling for yourself to help you understand what is going on here and decide what to do for yourself.

It can’t be like other friendships because no friend would accept being spoken to so badly.

Well you don't want to leave and you know he's not going to change so what is the point of this post?

If I were you, I wouldn't put up with him speaking to you in a rude and nasty way or leaving a disgusting mess everywhere. I'd rather be on my own than with a man who behaves like that. But you don't want to leave so.....?

Your life would be infinitely better without him constantly wrecking the house and expecting you to clean up after him. Plus no one would be talking to you like shit.

OK, so you don't want to divorce. But it's very unlikely you can change him. I wonder what happens if you change. What happens if you match the energy? If you don't clean up after you and if e.g. you tell him to fuck off and walk away when he is disrespectful. It may not achieve much but you might feel better about it. It sounds as though he doesn't respect you. That's not a promising sign if you are hoping to have a happy life together.

If you have talked about this with him @GottaSpellItOut , and he is unwilling to adjust his behaviour, then the only solution is what you said you don't want: leaving him. Realistically, what is the only thing you can change? You being in this setup, not much else, by the sound of it.
What would happen, I wonder, if you told him that you are unable to live like this, and you don't want to leave, but if things don't improve, you'll have no choice?

The rudeness part really sticks out to me though. When a person puts on a fake fun/kind persona for people who are not their family, while the family members are treated differently - worse, that is always an unbearable narcissist, as far as my own experience goes. I mean, it does sound like it, too, in your case - doesn't care what is around him, can't be bothered.. Isn't it horrible that he doesn't make the "nice" effort for you? Do you want to know why? Because he already has you, he probably believes he can just be himself without making an effort to be nice and humane with you.. Which is sad. I absolutely can't stand people like that.

Playful banter between spouses is great and fun.. Rudeness is different, it is disrespect and overall a horrible trait.

Leaving and divorce not what I want.

In that case you just have to put up with it forever. You can't direct someone else's behaviour, only your own. If you are not willing to change then nothing will change.

This is your choice and totally within your control.