I can’t shake this feeling

[Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39]

Sorry this is really long. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years this year, we met in my early 20s and less than six months in to our relationship I lost one of my parents. I think it’s important to mention as that event definitely sped up the course of our relationship.

I will preface this by saying my husband is a good, decent, hardworking bloke. He helps out, he’s not abusive etc. Over the years, I’ve had a nagging feeling that maybe he’s not “the one” but he’s safe, stable and kind. We don’t have shared interests, communication styles, I’m emotional, he’s very placid, I do a lot of the thinking and have stepped into a more planning motherly role (apparently bought on myself because I’m a control freak). He’s very much a homebody and I’m not. We don’t go out anymore, or really talk apart from small talk and I’m starting to not want to have sex (mid 30s) two young children (4&8). He’s never been the type of man to have me howling with laughter, and I feel like over the years I’ve just gotten used to our dynamic.

We argue quite a bit, which is always instigated by me, he says I’m too emotional. He also says all I care about is money (going on date nights, holidays, fixing my engagement ring that’s been broken for years). It’s less about money and more about feeling like a priority in his life, he argues that I am.

Our living situation isn’t great, we’re living with a family member to save to buy a house. Our first property sold with negative equity. Money isn’t the be all and end all, but I do like adventure, he does not.
I love our family unit, but I don’t know that I love him, I care about him a lot, the thought of him being with somebody else makes me feel horrible, destroying our family unit feels horrible. I feel like the weight of everything is starting to make me depressed, I don’t know if because I’ve never seen a healthy version of love, that my expectations aren’t in line with reality. My parents hated each other growing up, I don’t want that. I also feel over the years I’ve relied on him a lot, I don’t know if I could cope on my own.

We did therapy, it definitely helped, but things feel worse now. I’ve told my husband how I feel, most of the time he says that I’m too fickle and that he loves me unconditionally.

All this to say, is it normal to sometimes feel like this? I have never felt so lost and scared. I can’t seem to shake the funk I’m in.

It sounds like you’re generally frustrated with life. Nor just him. I’d get that sorted before making any big decisions. And I’d look to add a bit of adventure into your life that’s not dependent on him.

What do you want to do?

I think if I didn’t have the kids I would have left. But even though I can’t accurately predict what I’d feel like without kids, leaving still feels so incredibly scary.

You sound quite confused about life. Totally understandable.

You are very young to have been with a man who isn't necessarily your ideal, for so long

If you were my daughter , I'd suggest some talking therapy to get your head around the choices you have available to you

Don't make any financial decisions atm and stop trying to change your husband. The man you see is who he is, he is very unlikely to change

Imagining him with another woman will feel unsettling. It doesn't necessarily mean anything in particular. .

Make a list of your options and have a few counselling sessions to work through what is best for you

What feels scary about it?

Thank you. I’m looking into therapy and making notes about what it is I’m thinking and feeling. It’s the money aspect making me not want to take the plunge, but I know I need someone to talk to outside of Mumsnet

the impact on my kids, losing a family

I thought you might say that. What is it exactly that frightens you about ending your marriage — being financially self-supporting? Not being in a relationship? Co-parenting with someone you’re no longer in a relationship with?

So if you're bothered about how you'll manage financially after the split.....chat to CAB and StepChange. They will be able to advise you about benefits etc. They'll also have vague ideas about how the financial split post divorce might go....although a solicitor would be more able to advise on this

A Counsellor will be able to help you focus on why you want to split, if it's best for you, how to deal with feelings

OK. The children will be fine. They're young. They'll be absolutely OK. You'll have to trust me on that ❤️

The family thing.....that makes sense because you lost a parent very young. The thing is, a family based on an incompatible mum and dad, isn't going to work long term

You'll be feeling guilty for wanting to leave. But this is your life and you have to decide what's best for you, and do it. Guilt is a wasted emotion

Thank you so much. Hearing that is comforting

How are you doing @Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39

I’m ok thank you. I’m still feeling the weight of everything but I’ve enquired about some therapy and going to just try to get to the bottom of the way I feel. I had a very honest conversation with DH. I explained how I feel. He understands that we’re not super compatible and even agreed that life would be easier if we were, but said he loves me and doesn’t see a future with anyone else. He also reminded me of the stats of children that come from homes of divorce. Of course I am one, so is he and we turned out relatively ok, but he felt the need to mention it!!!

Honestly he soubds like a prize tit tbh. And do you know what's worse for kids than a divorce background? Living in a home where there parents hate eachother. Or at very least, there's festering resentment, malcontent and their father belittles their mothers feelings.

Fuck that noise.
Do you know what that leads to? An ongoing cycle of choosing the wrong partners and staying in unhappy or even, abusive relationships, because that's what their parents did.

Divorce is largely only as traumatic as you make it. Of course he might make it difficult 🙄. But they'll see how happy you become when you're out and recognise that it was the right thing for you and, in turn, them. At least, as they grow up. Two happy seperate homes is better than one miserable one.

And if you don't have to save for a place anymore you can treat yourself to some adventure. Take weekends away when he has the kids etc...bring joy back into your life.

Anyway that's just my to cents. Totally worth getting a therapist to talk it through with. And speaking to a solicitor about finances.

But you only have one life op.
And staying together for the kids might maintain family stability...but it doesn't necessarily raise emotionally healthy individuals. Watching your mothers spirit be crushed is a hard thing. Learning that men don't have to exercise emotional intelligence and can be dismissive of their wives feelings isn't good either.

The question I think might worth asking yourself regarding him and, your last conversation, is did it feel like he was saying 'I love you and I will work on myself and with you as a team to make you happy again' or 'how can I shrink you down small so I can put you back in a box again and shut you up, because I don't want to lose my wife benefits, regardless of how she feels'.

"I don’t know if because I’ve never seen a healthy version of love, that my expectations aren’t in line with reality. My parents hated each other growing up, I don’t want that"

This stands out to me. Regarding the impact on the DC, if you continue as you are you will also be providing them with an unhealthy blueprint for what adult relationships look like. People are terrified of the DC's short-term stability being upended during separation, but they rarely think longterm and consider how adult DC will function when forming relationships of their own. I'd be fairly dismayed if my DC chose to stay quietly miserable for years because they didn't know that it's OK to leave a relationship that wasn't fulfilling their basic emotional needs.

Thanks all. The conversation on reflection was a lot of me talking (albeit not much new) I don’t know if we’re in different relationships. This is the first time I’ve genuinely felt like I can’t carry on. Last night he tried to have sex after we tried to connect doing a couples quiz, if anything the quiz made me feel worse, it was like I started to remember who I used to be.

It's very disconcerting, isn't it, when you truly see the relationship for what it is?

Very difficult for you ❤️

His need to manipulate and gaslight (children of divorce) tells me that you need to get out

Hi @Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39, sorry about the difficult headspace, it doesn't sound pleasant at all. One thing I would say is - if the kids are the main thing that is keeping you there with your husband, you are doing a disservice to yourself, him, as well as the kids. People have this misconception that above all, it's best for the kids if the parents are in the same household. If you look at it from the kids' perspective, they will absorb normalising that you are unhappy, and that it's fine to be this way, to stay in an unhappy relationship. I don't think anyone would want that lesson for their kids. Sure, there are no fights and shouting, throwing plates, but there are other ways to skew the kids' sense of normal. If the two of you end up separating, the kids will be fine.
So, that is one aspect, the second is your husband's: After so many years together, especially being an ok, good dude (as per your description), I think he would deserve something true and honest. I am not suggesting you are not honest with him, it is clear that you are communicating what is in your head - that is already way more most people ever do, so, well done! But, if I was him, I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't think I am the right one for her... You know what I mean?
Third point of view: Your own. You are doing some digging, communicate your thoughts and feelings, therapy, that is healthy and great. But this is not a mathematical equation - just because he is a good dude, and a safe option, it will not necessarily work out, it should not necessarily be revived, or forced. You have a right to feel how you feel, and live your life accordingly, as long as you are not causing harm to anyone - is the general rule. If you are not happy with your life, you have a right to change whatever it is that's not working for you. (Naturally you have obligations too, kids, etc... But that goes without saying).

All I am trying to say is that just because it "should" be ok on paper, doesn't mean that it can be forced to actually be ok.

Please ignore his 'stats' on children from divorced families.

One stat that's for certain - it's generally much worse for children livign with unhappy parents. I saw the weight lift from my DCs when me and their dad split.

I agree with this.

In a nutshell, I think it's important to be friends, at least, with the person you marry.

You've stated all of his Good Husband Qualities and now he is also the father to your children but you're not friends on any level.

I couldn't be married to someone who wasn't alsp my friend for all the reasons you have given, tbh.

I'd also ignore stats on children from separated families. It's not the fact that parents are separated that causes the issues per se. It's more to do with the way it is handled and how the separated parents relate to and regard each other

But I'm also amongst the people whose children were happier post separation. Would they have preferred their parents to still be together? Undoubtedly. Do they wish we'd stayed together in reality? Absolutely not.