Hoe do I get my ducks in a row in this situation?

[Getmeouttathismess]

NC for this.
I have realised im in an emotionally abusive and controlling marriage. Married 20 years, 2 primary school aged kids. Im the main breadwinner and husband works PT (7-11pm) and has the kids before and after school.
We are in London and have no family here, im an only child and my parents retired and moved to warmer climates. His family is in Africa where he is from. Whenever we have discussed divorce, he is clear he would return to his home country as he could not support himself here let alone 2 kids if we share custody. He says I could keep the house and everything for the kids because it would be me raising them.
This would mean our kids would be devastated as he is lovely with them (the control and emotional abuse is only towards me) and is their constant when I'm at work all day. I worry this would scar them for life they would feel rejected and abandoned.
Besides, there is all the logistics things that i would struggle to do on my own with the job that I have, school wraparound care would not be enough as I need to leave earlier that it starts and get home later.
I know I'll need to leave though as I don't deserve this. But I can't even think what i need to start organising to even plan this step...

Can you change jobs to make the hours workable without him? I’d do that, and speak to a solicitor to work out your finances. He might not leave them in the end, there is no way to no for sure, but I’d plan for it.

Changing my job would massively lower my salary but yes I could so that. Even potentially negotiate different hours at my job at least for a while. But I worry so much about the emotional damage to DC. and then think about how I will manage to actually parent them and be there for them without any support system nearby. My head is a mess.
Thanks for replying though. I think I need to start thinking more practically as you're right I can't know if he would actually end up leaving them if it comes to it...

If you have no family or support where you are then really you could move anywhere where you can find a job. London is expensive so if you could change jobs to something more flexible and change area to somewhere with lower living costs you might end up actually being no worse off financially?

It will be hard on the children not seeing their dad but that is his choice, you cannot stay endlessly in an unhappy relationship just because he’s threatening to leave the country if you end it.

Could you get an Au Pair?

One other thing to bear in mind is that if you split & he didn't return to his home country, he might be perceived as the main parent, due to being p/t & doing the childcare. 🫤

I'd be trying to get an Au Pair & making the childcare work whilst keeping your job.

Let him go back to Africa. What a selfish man. Do not leave your job! Your children will no doubt miss their dad but I can assure you that as they get older he’ll treat them in the same way he treats you, which will be far more damaging.

It looks like the only thing that’s stopping you ending this relationship is your concern about who will look after the children while you’re at work. So to get your ducks in a row you need to find out about wrap around childcare at the children’s school or a childminder in the area who can help you. You CAN do this! I managed single parenthood with a 3-hour round trip commute every day. It all works out! Yes, it’s hard but it’ll be so worth it to have this awful man out of your life. It sounds like it’s for the best that he’s out of children’s lives too.

Thanks for all the replies, I thought Au Pair wasn't really a thing anymore since UK left the EU but I'll have a look at it, seems like a very good option!

You aren't damaging the children, he is. They will be picking up on his treatment of you. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, just that staying isn't protecting them, leaving him is.

Aupair has never been about the EU. There used to be an aupair visa

Yes but EU nationals dishwasher t need it so I figured nowthe pool of people jut shrank. Also apparently they abolished this visa type and the other visas available are much harder to get.... but in any case I'll have a look, and also perhaps after-school nanny.

You will also need to think about half term childcare because most camps might not cover your hours either. Could you negotiate to work from home on some days? You can hire au pair through youth mobility scheme but it's a legal requirement that you pay minimum wage for all hours worked.not just pocket money.

I wonder if your husband would actually move to Africa or is he just saying that to discourage you from divorce?

Luckily you don't have to make any decisions now so try to gather as much information as you can before you make a move.