Still feel so bitter

[PinkBlueCat]

I know loads of mums would love to be in my situation but it really bugs me that my ex hasn’t seen our children in 3 years, he completely left me to raise them alone I know some people will think im lucky but this wasn’t my choice, it bugs me that I have children with someone that wants nothing to do with them. Probably moved on and has other kids now meanwhile i get a pathetic £29 a month for them and they get a tired and exhausted mum that struggles to do things with them. I think sometimes it never stops bothering you? Has anyone been in this situation? How do I feel less bitter? I find myself checking my emails regularly to see if he has reached out but of course he hasn’t.

Who would love to be in your situation?

Its a very difficult situation to be in but by staying bitter you are drinking the poison hoping he will die. Let him off. He is the total loser here as he is missing out on seeing his children grow and enjoying their childhood.
Your best form of revenge is to lead a good life yourself. Its not easy rearing children by yourself so be kind to yourself. Do you have family support?
There is no one who would want to be in your shoes but try to look forward not back as that only steals any little joy you have. Accept he is never going to come through for those kids so stop expecting it as it leads to further disappointment. Try to find a little joy every day and bit by bit life will get better and your children will grow up knowing who was there for them.

This
My ‘father’ did the same thing to my mother and lived to regret it
He died a lonely man with three children who didn’t have any time for him
I know it’s difficult Op, but it does get easier .
Let the bitterness go and raise those kids beautifully
My mother is now enjoying the fruits of her labour

People with abusive exes or exes who piss about with contact

I really feel for you OP. It’s ok to be mad about this. It’s not fair, it’s not just, it’s not the life you expected. It’s ok to grieve that life. And it’s ok to be mad at the man who created this life for you by abandoning you and the kids. I also hear you being sad for your kids. Feeling distressed that the life someone else created for you has meant you are not able to be the Mum you wanted to be and seeing the impact on your kids. That’s a deep pain. I get it. Different circumstances, but I live with that too. It’s hard.

I remember hearing a man and his mum talking on the radio. His Dad had done the same - fucked off when his kids were little to ‘live his best life’ - and had nothing to do with them. When they grew up the somehow were told when he died and went to his funeral. They found it hard as all his mates and work colleagues were there saying what a great guy he was, always so funny. And the adult children and their mum thought, ‘ not to us he wasn’t. He left us. He wasn’t a good guy to us’.

I don’t know if I have any advice. I don’t know how old your kids are, but things may get easier as they get older. They’ll know you were the one who stayed and raised them. As adults they’ll appreciate that, especially if they have kids of their own.

just read you asked how to feel less bitter. Not sure I am best placed to answer. Struggle with that too! But here are some things that help when I remember to do them.

1. i read an interview with one of the Israeli hostages of Oct 7th. He said that he got himself and his fellow hostages to say every night good things that happened that day, so it might be that their slightly less cruel captor got them their food that day, so they got slightly more to eat. He said it’s like training a muscle in your brain to keep noticing the positive and not sinking into the negative. And I thought, ‘bloody hell, if he can do it when trapped and starving in a dark cold tunnel with some of the most barbaric terrorists on the planet, then I can do it too’. It helps if I remember to do it, and I do it with the kids too before bed, so it’s good for them too.’
2. its ok to feel bitter, but I try to limit it. If I find myself having angry bitter thoughts, I say to myself ‘ok, I’ll let myself think this for the next t 5 mins, and then I’ll stop and think about something else’. That stops me from dwelling and being trapped in the bitterness’
3. i read free emails from a former marine, or SAS, can’t remember which!, who runs a company called ‘the natural edge’ based on his training. It’s really aimed at business leaders, but I find a lot of it transferable to my crap life situation. Because it’s about building up your ability to cope mentally in high stress situations. Stuff like like focus on what you can control and decide what your next action is. That focus on the immediate next thing really helps me not get overwhelmed by the bigger picture. Accepting what you can’t control. But most importantly ‘do the reps’. Most people know what they should do. They just don’t do it. It’s a discipline you have to train yourself into. So if you want to get rid of bitterness, you’ll have to decide on a strategy to achieve that, and practice it every day, each time the bitterness comes back. Thats the only way to rewrite your brain.

Anyway, I hope you find stuff that is useful to you in the replies you get.

I'm sure that we could all come up with examples of people in worse situations than you but personally I've never found that approach helpful at all. Most sensible people would agree that you are in difficult circumstances and it's normal to feel sad about that, sometimes you need to sit with your feelings.

This sounds tough OP, and it's natural to feel resentful and bitter towards him but remind yourself that even if it doesn't seem like it now he is the loser. What a weak, pathetic creature he is to abandon his family and run away from all his responsibilities.
I think there is nothing wrong allowing yourself to feel that anger towards him but don't let it overwhelm you, use it to help you prove you are are a better parent than he can ever be. Do you have family and friends nearby or any practical help and support at all?

Lots of mums tell me I’m lucky or wish their ex didn’t want contact

No my family would never help or have my children

My family wouldn’t help unfortunately they don’t care how much I’m struggling they don’t want to know

Sorry to read that OP, could you try to build a friendship group with other mums, eg Gingerbread or single mums meet up groups?

I think it is natural to feel bitter if you haven't entered into single parenthood by choice.

However it doesn't sound like this man is any great loss, and continuing to hold on to the resentment and negative feelings three years later is only hurting you, when he obviously doesn't give a toss.

My mum left my dad when I was little, and he is still harping on how hard done by he was nearly 40 years later.

He obviously didn't like being a single parent but could have picked himself up, dusted himself off and met someone else, maybe even someone with children already so I could have had siblings, but he didn't, he just wallowed.

Never even went on a date!

You are still in your prime with the whole rest of your life to look forward to. Don't be like my dad.

I am sure there are plenty of men who would love to have a relationship with you and be over the moon to participate in your children's lives.

It is not necessary to have provided the sperm to be a father.

Have you thought about dipping your toe back into dating?

Thank you but I do have a couple of friends they just don’t want to look after my kids which is fair enough and I’d never expect them to anyway.

My kids are with me 24/7 so not sure how I would manage to date?

Just reading this again not sure how dating would help, my kids have siblings and im definitely not looking for a step dad for them, they are older kids/ preteens / young teens so don’t need a step dad, not sure thats the right move really especially as im so tired and exhausted barely have the energy for them let alone a new man

Hi @PinkBlueCat Your situation is hard, very hard, indeed. No other mum would want to be in your shoes, trust me, when I say this. When some other mum flippantly tells you that they'd love to be in your shoes, please know that they are not considering how hard it is for you to be on your own as a solo parent, they do not spend the empathy and energy, they only come from a place of despising their exes, and they imagine how great it would be never having to communicate with them. But that is it. Meanwhile, they have the shared custody, the potential child support, it is a given in their lives, so they don't even consider how difficult it would be to go on without any of it. It is just being inconsiderate is what it is. You are more than justified to be tired and bitter about it. Now, having said that, it will not help you in the long run. It is unfair, it is not right, but, that is something that is out of your control, and as such, it's not worth wasting your already limited energy on seething.. You are your children's rock, you will do your best to raise them..and with time it will get easier, the more independent they become... So, the only thing I can suggest is to do your best to focus on the positives, the love, the joy of your little ones hugging you.. Cut yourself some slack where you can...

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense, I also suspect it’s from people that have family support so wouldn’t be totally left to it if their ex wasn’t around. Im dreading another week but looking forward to the half term so if I can just make it through another week. 😓

I totally get what you mean, and at times when my children were youngsters I felt the same. Their dad buggered off to Australia without bothering to mention it with his gf, my children were both under 10 at the time.

My eldest always wanted to be in contact with his dad, my youngest who witnessed his violence towards me never wanted to see him again.

My boys are in their 30s now, my eldest made contact with his dad a few years back, and he was still a shitty person, instead of getting to know his son, he was more interested in slagging me off, in the end my son cut contact permanently, he doesn't even know he's a grandfather now, and my youngest regards him as nothing more than a sperm doner.

I've whittered on but both my sons tell me what a lovely childhood they had with me, and how they wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

It was tiring and stressful at times, but we had each other and none of the nastiness or interference from a deeply unpleasant man.