Would you be upset by this?

[Biosblbay]

So today is the exact day 10 years ago that me and my husband met. We have never really celebrated this before as it’s never really been a big deal to us, plus our wedding anniversary has now taken over, however today is 10 years which seems a bigger deal. I decided to make a note of it on the calendar which has been there since the new year, and it being a Friday today I just thought what a nice day to celebrate being together for 10 years so my plan was to get a dine in 3 course meal or a takeaway (he knew this). I also got him a card this morning, he opened it when I wasn’t around, I didn’t get a thank you, I had to ask him “did you read it properly?” As I put some really lovely words inside. But I didn’t get a card, no “happy anniversary”, nothing really, just me making him a bacon sandwich before leaving for work.

anyway… I have just received a call from my husband asking if my Mum could baby sit our two children this evening so we could go to the local pub as it’s the home dart game which he is part of the team so he could play, I would have probably said yes but my Mum is really poorly and he knows this so I said no. He then asked if he could go. It made me feel really upset to be honest and I did say to him “do you realise what today is” and he replied “well yeah but I just thought because it’s the home game that I could go and then I wouldn’t go next Friday” - I basically in the end told him he couldn’t go because it’s not fair on me that I have had an evening in planned for quite some time that he has known about.

Am I being unreasonable by feeling really upset by this and now sort of feeling deflated to the point I don’t want to spend tonight with him because deep down I know he would rather go play darts.

This isn’t the first time he has left me and the children on a special day or occasion. He also done something similar this Boxing Day which upset me.

Did you plan it together or did you just tell him it was happening? I do think it's a bit odd to suddenly make a big deal out of the day you met when you haven't previously, and are married so have an actual anniversary.

@Swaytheboat it’s something I arranged myself as it’s something I have always done. It’s always me arranging the date nights when they do happen as he tells me “your better at that stuff than me” or just forgets things so I have to book things in case he does forget. Like our 1 year wedding anniversary last August I had to plan because I know he wouldn’t and I have to remind him constantly. our relationship hasn’t been great for a while due to us not spending quality time together, so I thought this would be something nice for us to do and he knew of this over a week ago x

I get that you feel its a big deal but if it isnt something you would usually celebrate perhaps he doesnt understand what a big deal its become for you. I totally get feeling upset if you had plans if you feel he is bailing on them but to tell him he cant go because its unfair but then say you dont want to spend the time with him is a bit petty tbh either enjoy the time together or let him go.

@Swaytheboat our children are very young, aged 3 and a 6 month old baby so things are very hectic at the minute, sleeping separately etc, almost feel like we are roommates than husband and wife

Yes that would really bother me - how shit of him :( I'd feel so unappreciated and uncared for

Just a random thought because you don't mention how the rest of your relationship is, for all I know it could be great. But - narcissists and similar sorts like to ruin special occasions. Sometimes simply for the sake of deflating your joy. So if there's there's pattern there, it could be relevant. This is the sort of thing my very first bf might have done. He would keep doing things to basically say to me 'you're not actually important to me'.

I'd be pissed too tbh. But then, maybe he didn't notice what you wrote on the calendar so has no idea of how you were looking forwards to it? Does he usually read what you write on it? Does he remember your anniversaries? I don't want to manage down your expectations but so long as he's doinng that, and without prompting, getting you something for those, he's doing pretty good already.

@Sodthesystem if you have a quick read of one of my responses it sort of explains a little bit more and answers some of your questions x

Was it a first date or just when you met for the first time?

DP and celebrate our first date anniversary and will continue to do so after we’re married (partly because we’re having a registry office ‘wedding’ with PILs as witnesses lol, so no big day).

We don’t celebrate the day we met as we were both completely off our faces at a rave and I have virtually no recollection of the night. Just woke up to an Instagram ‘follow’ and the rest is history. 😊

Yeah reading your updates it unfortunately sounds like he's got form for not giving a shit.

I'm reminded of the phrase 'we accept the love we think we deserve'. Frankly I'd find living with someone like him utterly joyless and I think it would crush my spirit over time.

He's just not arsed with you. And I don't know if there's any malignancy in it or, if he's just a selfish arsehole but I don't think he's partner material.

It sounds like you might just be replacement mum in this relationship tbh. How is he round the house and with the kids?

Well i was going to say that it was a bit ott making a " thing" of celebrating 10 years since you first met.
But , having read your updates OP I can see why you wanted to make something of this anniversary. Because it sounds like you really are needing something to put the closeness back into your relationship. So I see why you are upset that he doesn't want to use this day, special to you, to just celebrate being a couple.
It's really hard when you have such very young children. You are really going to have to spell it out to him that he needs to put some effort into your relationship.

Did he understand how much it meant to you?

Tbh, I'm a bit on the fence with this one.

If you've never celebrated the day before, it probably doesn't feel that big a deal for him but you've got very young children and sometimes it's nice to remember that you are still a couple and that was the date that started it all. I think maybe you need a conversation about effort and emotional investment in the relationship generally.

Well he's a deadbeat, shit partner. Question is, why tolerate this? Appreciate your strength and act accordingly, you do not have to tolerate or accept an inadequate man who brings nothing to the table

I think I am kind of on the fence too op.

I can imagine feeling upset in your position, so I do understand that, but equally it also sounds a bit like something you built up in your mind as an "event" and he probably already had that night earmarked for his darts thing.

I would also say my DH is very romantic, very thoughtful, very generous but he has never liked doing any of these things in a way that felt scripted or performative. For instance, he buys me beautiful flowers every so often, but woe betide those flower sellers that come round restaurants if they approach him! He can't stand "forced romance" and finds it utterly cheesy. We also never go out for Valentines, but often he will suggest a lovely meal out around about that time. Just not on the night with couples gripping each other's hands across every table. He finds it nauseating. It is possible your DH feels a bit like that too about an "anniversary of meeting." I'm getting the same way now I am older actually. 😄

If he knew what you'd planned (the meal) and why then he's an absolute tosser.

Anniversary or not, you’ve arranged a nice evening that he fobbed off in favour of darts, so yes I would be upset as well.

Stop arranging date nights and anniversaries.

Yes that would bother me. Sorry OP 😐