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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do I need to do? Is there any hope? Is she being reasonoble?

28 replies

miiilow · 06/02/2026 13:02

My girlfriend broke up with me last week, we are long distance. The thing is, I am confused right now. I planned a trip to come see her upcoming Tuesday for three weeks. And she still wants me to come over, go on dates with her, hold her and kiss her. I don't want to hold on false hope but why would she want it?

I am going to be honest about the situation and not sugar coat my clear mistakes and maybe this is a lot at once but I am desprate for advice. Before we broke up she decided to go through my following. This is normal if you're anxious and insecure, everyone has probably done this. But, she then decides to follow a girl (who has a boyfriend) in my list. Me and her are old friends and don't talk much, especially after dating her. She proceeds to message her, ask her questions about me. Basically interrogating her.

The girl messaged me how she felt uncomfortable and especially because my girlfriend started following her boyfriend at a cartain point. Here is where it goes down. My girlfriend would then call me, and demand me to share my screen. And reveal all my dms. I freaked out and deleted the chat I had with that girl because she messaged me how my girlfriend made her uncomfortable. So I lied by hiding her from her, which was all to avoid trouble and to make her feel anxious. Because there was never something going on between me and her. She called me a cheater and got really upset.

After we stopped talking, my girlfriend would even go as far as messaging the boyfriend of my friend and tell him his girlfriend is cheating. Trying to even cause harm towards their relationship. I personally think this is very wrong thing to do.

The only way to fix this was for me to delete all my socia media apps while she can still use them and do whatever she wants without telling me. And I found it unfair, and agreed regardless because i want to fix it. But after two weeks she saw me use snapchat and from there on she decided to break up. And it is my fault for not telling her, not going through the agreement and telling her I used this app (I barely use it only to see what my real life friends share with me because snapchat is used a lot where I live) I made a huge mistake there and she is fair for wanting to break up with me afterwards. Only, I just think this entire situation could have been handled way better from both parties.

Things are now confusing, we don't call daily anymore and when we do call she hides me from her bestfriend that lives there. Because she don't want her to know. But she does message me daily regardless. Sometimes just a pic of where she is going or a random reel on instagram. She often says how she seems excited for me to come over or that she is nervous. One day she asked me "How many days until you come home?" or message me saying "my dad is upset we broke up" Her dad and I get along great and her siblings like me. But, what does it mean? Why does she message me saying those things.

In my view, if you broke up with me and don't see it getting fixed then why still want me to come over? and being excited about it to meet me. One night I told her I went to bed. And I woke up with a message on instagram saying "I thought you went to bed:( ) following up with (it still says you are active:/) It is a bug that you see someone online when they are not and I wasn't. But, why would it bother her if we are not together anymore. She broke up with me.

I know this is a lot and for anyone reading, thank you for taking your time. I am just really confused and nervous and anxious about this entire situation. And I do not know what to do. Does she want me to come over despite being broken up to try to fix things between us? Or is it just a proper goodbye. Does she still care about me? Does she hates me? Is there still hope or is there nothing I can do? Or will things get better when we meet in real life?

At this moment I am obviously hurt and broken. And I have a long flight ahead of me where I need to focus on and prepare for. And I would like some advise of what I can do or can expect from this trip. Excuse my bad english because it is not my first language and thanks for anyone reading.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 06/02/2026 13:06

This sounds like a terrible made for TV movie. Those rarely have a happy ending.

PermanentTemporary · 06/02/2026 13:08

Have you actually met her?

This sounds extremely hard work. She seems determined to keep you off balance. I don’t think I would bother with the trip. She’s too controlling to cope with long distance dating.

Karou · 06/02/2026 13:10

This is not a healthy relationship. Don’t go and see her, move on with your life and find someone that makes you happy.

AuntiePat21 · 06/02/2026 13:11

Don’t visit. Cut off all contact. Jealous people are usually the ones cheating.

Fluffyholeysocks · 06/02/2026 13:12

I only read the first paragraph. You say your GF broke up with you. Which indicates she doesn't want a relationship. But then she wants you to carry on as normal during your 3 week trip.
So has she broken up with you or not?

user2848502016 · 06/02/2026 13:12

I would definitely not go and visit her and cut all contact, she sounds deranged

Dolamroth · 06/02/2026 13:15

Sounds like a nutter, I would not visit, block her on all channels and think that I had dodged a bullet.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 06/02/2026 13:16

Don’t go, she’s waving red flags at you!

moderate · 06/02/2026 13:17

I couldn't follow most of that but from your first paragraph alone you need to run a mile from this person.

BombayMixIsTheBestMix · 06/02/2026 13:19

She’s a bunny boiler. HTH.

Randomuser2026 · 06/02/2026 13:20

Your girlfriend is a complete nut job. Run away from her.
Do you actually want that level of abusive scrutiny in your life. Do yourself a massive favour and block her. Direct her here if you like! Really are you so afraid of never having sex again that you’ll put up with that. Have some self respect and ditch her.

INeedAnotherName · 06/02/2026 13:27

She is harassing strangers (to her).
She is abusing and controlling you.
She is manipulative.

Don't visit. Block. Enjoy the peace that comes from being out of a controlling relationship.

BendSinister · 06/02/2026 13:40

Why on earth would you still be contemplating visiting an ex who sounds unhinged?

BruceAndNosh · 06/02/2026 13:41

She's broken up with you but now wants you back on her extremely controlling terms.
Stay broken up. You'll be much happier.

Fodencat · 06/02/2026 13:44

Are you both 14?

miiilow · 06/02/2026 13:48

@Fluffyholeysocks

She has. So this is what is confusing to me. If she broken up then why still want to come see me? Go on dates and want me to hold her etc. It is clear to me we broke up. Just confusing to why she still wants me to come meet her.

OP posts:
Fluffyholeysocks · 06/02/2026 13:54

Tell her you aren't coming on the trip as you've 'broken up' ?

greencheetah · 06/02/2026 13:58

Dump her, she’s unhinged

rockingroller · 06/02/2026 13:59

In a way it doesn't matter what she wants. What do you want, having broken up? Personally I'd cancel the visit and arrange something to do alone or with friends.

cordeliavorkosigan · 06/02/2026 14:01

It sounds like she is doing that because she had not quite figured out that if she broke up with you, you would not visit and date and be there for her to control with all this drama. She wants to reel you back in.
She is unhinged. She is waving many red flags. Do yourself a massive favour and affirm the breakup, and don't visit or get sucked into this controlling jealous bullshit. Life is far too short!

GrumpyInsomniac · 06/02/2026 14:02

It sounds like somewhere between telling you that she was breaking up with you and now, she has in her head decided that you are either still together, or that this trip is for you to win her back and accept her terms for continuing the relationship.

She sounds controlling and more than a little divorced from reality. Fears infidelity and rejection and then behaves in such a way that a reasonable person would be completely justified in ending the relationship.

In the nicest possible way, she’s not good for you and you should do your best to either cancel the flights or move them to another time so you can plan a trip you’ll enjoy without actually spending time with her. Have a holiday. Your relationship will never get better, it will be forever full of drama, and if it wasn’t long distance would probably already be over because you’d had enough, and not because she had ended it.

So remind her she broke up with you, take it as the gift it truly is, and get on with your life. Also, if you genuinely think this is all you deserve from a relationship, consider whether your self-esteem is all it should be and whether some therapy might help you approach future relationships with a stronger sense of your worth and what behaviour is acceptable to you.

wandawaves · 06/02/2026 14:09

She sounds like a nutter.
I feel like if you go to visit her, she'll lock you up in her basement so that she can love you and keep you all to herself for the rest of her days.

lovecheesymash · 06/02/2026 14:12

Messaging your friend would be enough to make me want nothing more to do with her, let alone also messaging your friends boyfriend . She’s controlling you from afar. Stop all contact with her and block .She sounds like a nightmare.

Ivyy · 06/02/2026 14:14

Look up coercive and controlling behaviour op, see if anything resonates. At best she’s incredibly insecure and immature, but the messaging others and monitoring you / controlling behaviour are huge red flags to me. You sound young and / or inexperienced, we’ve all been there, staying in a relationship that we know isn’t good for too long because of a fear of being alone. I can save you a lot of time and emotional turmoil, potentially emotional abuse too by the sounds of it - you will move on and meet someone else, don’t stay in this toxic relationship.

Why not just tell her you’re confused and ask her why, having broken up with you, she still wants you to visit her and act like you’re still in a relationship? Nobody can guess what’s going on in her head, perhaps she wanted to punish you with the breakup and then regretted it. You can’t just visit and act like nothing’s happened though, that’s unhinged. Have the balls and self worth to end things for good yourself and block her too, because she’ll likely keep messaging you or people on socials she thinks you’re dating. This happened to a friend’s daughter and the ex then started setting up new fake profiles to try and follow her and monitor her. So be wary of that too. I can imagine if you do end contact with her it’ll trigger a huge dramatic reaction from her, so be wary of that also.

Coconutter24 · 06/02/2026 14:15

You sound either very young or very vulnerable. You mention what you did wrong but can you not see everything she has done is wrong?!?! Block and delete then move on