Is your partner always miserable

[Currentrun]

When I first met my wife over 15 years ago she was the type of woman that ticked every box, happy, good job, motivated, beautiful, caring kind polite, basically everything I’d look for. I do a lot around the house and certainly do my fair share including majority of cooking and we have our specific house chores that we naturally just do, I’m a good dad and do loads with the kids and I’m happy for her to be out with her friends whenever she’s wants and encourage her to be out socialising. She now works part time but I think it’s important not just for money but to have routine and be out the house and talking to people etc, we have a pretty good life in general. Most of her friends have said their husbands hate them going out and are quite controlling and always moan about it and even moan about doing dad duties of a weekend which I don’t and I’m pretty relaxed even with male friends she has I’m pretty relaxed about it and not bothered. Hopefully that’s painted abit of a picture of our life.
Anyway, I’ve noticed my wife always seems miserable and just walks about the house like the world is against her and is rude but as soon as she is infront of the kids or people other than me she puts on a facade and seems the happiest and nicest person in the world (basically the person I thought I met all those years ago) even going out with her friends she will moan about but if she speaks with her mum or family that she went out with friends it’ll be the nicest day ever and really fake. I’ve spoke to her many times to ask what’s wrong and why she’s like this and she says nothing is wrong.
Im starting to wonder is this her real personality and what I was attracted to years ago wasn’t the real her.
She’s made comments in the past about certain things and said she would do things to make me interested but after a while she could stop as we were together.
Has anyone else been through or going through similar?

What if anything do you know about her childhood?. I ask as that often gives clues. Pound to a penny she saw abuse in her childhood and has replicated this in her relationship to you. She did just enough in the early days to draw you into her world and then stop as you were then together and or more invested (your last paragraph is indicative of that).

She does this because she can. And your kids will grow up thinking that what she does is acceptable and one or both of them could go onto act like she does in their own adult relationships. You are showing your DC that currently at least this is acceptable to you.

Women can also be abusive and she is emotionally abusive towards you. Abuse is not just physical in nature. She is also sending your kids mixed messages because they've likely seen too how she behaves with you. She puts on an act in front of family and friends but it is one she cannot maintain so the mask slips and keeps slipping. People like this do not change; they just further ramp up the power and control.

You have a choice to make; stay or go. I would choose go and then you will really see her mask slip then. Enlist support for yourself from the likes of ManKind initiative (link attached).

mankind.org.uk/

Hmm.
No posting history from the OP
Man posting on women's forum
Goady
Not obviously AI generated (but still)

Why do men always come on here to moan about their wives?

I’ve been on MN for quite a while but changed my name for this post (as do most people depending on the type of post it is)
I don’t really see the relevance of me being a man posting this compared to a woman posting the same message, surely the advice would be the same regardless of the sex of the person posting….

So what did you think of my response?.

I don’t know why some posters seem to think all wives are perfect (or that men should just put up with anything…?). And this is a site for parents, not women, so why shouldn’t Dads be able to come here and discuss relationships?

If you don’t like it, don’t partake in the thread.

(And yes, I’m a woman and long term MNetter).

For advice from other women presumably.
MN is full of women moaning about their husbands. What's the difference.

OP, I agree with the first post.

So you’ve had one answer suggesting it’s all her fault, so I’ll post the contending theory - maybe she doesn’t like you?

thanks for the response and does resonate as I know she has been in abusive relationships in the past, not able to go out, had to be home at an exact time, wasn’t allowed male friends, didn’t like her working and he was really abusive and controlling, prior to that she’s also had other abusive relationships so really is night and day compared to how I am. I’ve mentioned in the past that I do think the way she can act sometimes is because of how she’s been treated in the past. If children wasn’t involved then obviously it would make it easier to walk away but I feel like that’s the reason I need to be at home and be present all the time.

I doubt many wives will turn up here and confess they are moody and put on a facade in public!

I guess though everyone does to an extent. My dh and I both do this I think. Dh is a totally different person out of the house than at home. I certainly don’t take my bad moods to my in laws. With close friends I might be a bit more open.

I did ask dh once why the family never gets to see the happy public version of him, the version I fell in love with tbh. He said, that’s not his true self , that he is an introvert and it’s exhausting to keep up the facade all the time.

We never ever see the version of my dh who laughs, has fun, shows empathy . It is tough .

Things have been better since I stopped pushing so hard for him to appear happy and since he changed job to something less people-y.

You shouldn't stay married to someone who doesn't like you. You might both be happier if you separate and co-parent. Not everyone can do longterm relationships ... and maybe she is one of those who can't.

Staying for the sake of the kids helps no-one here, least of all them. One day they will leave home and they will not want to come back to see either of you very often if at all.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships from the two of you?. They could well go onto repeat what their mum is now doing to you in your relationship. The abused has become the abuser and do not forget either she is doing this because she can. No-one is forcing her to act like this and besides which did she ever get help re her previously abusive relationships. It appears not.

Do consider talking to MenKind.

OP

re your comment:
"I’ve mentioned in the past that I do think the way she can act sometimes is because of how she’s been treated in the past"

How did she respond to that?. Did she deny?.

Is she bored, depressed unmotivated by the dullness of everyday life?

in my experience at first you're in love. you’d do anything for the other person. it’s great. a few years pass.

then the love changes and you still love them and would do anything for them but it’s now more like a sibling love.

then women hit perimenopause. men dont and still expect sex. meanwhile women are doing all the life admin and physically dont feel like they used to. and the man is there winging about the lack of sex. nothing turns a woman off faster than a winging man who doesn't appreciate the woman’s actually doing way more than popping to the shops once a week and that him washing the car and putting the bins out is him pulling his weight. it’s not. and domt start me about the men that thibk they’re doimg the woman a favour by working so many hours when actually it’s pure avoidance of domestic responsibility.

life just grinds you down.

as for your comments about her friends husbands basically dont want then to leave the house, i dont think it’s a cause for celebration that you don’t do that, we should all be able to leave the house and the kids with their dad! those dads are shite. you're potentially less shite in that regard but i think you see what you want to see, dont appreciate her and what she does for the house, and i hope you’re not a sex pest, leave her alone.

if you really want to help her you need to get a whiteboard and draw up a list of everything that gets done daily weekly monthly annually and allocate it all out. if she’s at home more she gets more tasks if you're working more. maybe the fact that you’re taking an interest in her life will start up a conversation about what she wants from it. it could be shes just done with you and it’s over. or maybe a fresh start. just keep your sexual desires to yourself unless she initiates.

Sounds like life has ground her down. You are quite judgemental in how you think your wife should be.
quite frankly she isn’t the same person you married as she’s had children and sounds like she is the main caregiver and it’s really stressful for some people. Sounds like you have a total lack of empathy! Maybe start by having a chat with her about how she is feeling and how you can help her and would like to listen to her, it builds intimacy and trust rather than just moaning on here and probably to anyone else who will listen.

Actually your last couple of sentences 😬 wow, quite manipulative. I would ask her to talk further about that as you don’t understand it.

"She’s made comments in the past about certain things and said she would do things to make me interested but after a while she could stop as we were together."

Are you taking about sex?

There has literally never been a woman poster who came on Mn and prefaced a post about the state of her marriage with ‘I do a lot around the house’.