I don't know what I've got myself into

[Swimmingtosurvive]

I posted here a few years ago when I was deciding whether to leave my now ex-wife. I got a lot of support and some really valuable insights that my male friends couldn't give me. It's really helped me settle down and it's about 20 months since I left my wife and set up for myself. I've loved having the kids round and we have a great little routine. Strangely my now ex-wife is a lot calmer with me now and treats me as an equal parent when it comes to the kids. It helps that she's found a new man and is happy for the moment. I've also made a new circle of friends and got more involved with my swimming and running clubs.

But the reason I'm back is for some more advice because I've accidentally slipped into something and I don't know what it is. One of my friends who I've known about 5 years and I have become closer than ever before. We know each other through a mutual friend and have always got on well and have a few shared interests. She swims as well. She knew I was going through a hard time with the divorce and helped out around that time. She's also had problems at home and is considering her relationship, something she told me about a year ago. She hasn't got any kids but feels locked in her relationship for different reasons.

Over the last 6 months or so me and her have definitely got closer. We have been out for dinner a few times without other friends, went to the watch a musical together and have seen some films. This could be considered normal friendship I think, but we are also in the habit of messaging every other day and at least once a week end up having 2 to 3 hour long text exchanges. We even watch films together but apart. Put the same film on Netflix then watch and message about it while also drifting into other conversation.

We have our own in-jokes. We have our little routines. It feels like a relationship in lots of ways. I should say there's nothing physical other than the odd hug at the end of a night. But she's also with him still and I don't know where I stand. She used to talk openly about her problems with him but over the last month she has stopped talking and when I've asked about him or how she is, all I get is that she doesn't want to talk about it. But then she will talk about him in a practical way like 'I've got to remember to put the bins out because R is out with friends tonight'.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this but all of my friends are just egging me on to make a move and I don't think that's right. I didn't go out looking for a relationship because I'm still healing from the divorce. But this has come out of the blue and has taken me by surprise. And it's also messy with her situation. Guess I just wanted another perspective like I did a couple of years ago.

Is that you don't want to get into a messy relationship with a woman who is in a relationship, but suspect you are going in that direction?
If so, work out what you want and really own it. You don't have to drift anywhere you don't want to be. Then once you know, tell her what you want, clearly.
So depending on how you feel, you might say:

• If you leave your partner, I'd be interested in a relationship - would you be interested in that? OR
• I'm starting to feel attracted to you, but you're with someone else and it's too soon for me, so I don't want it to go anywhere. Can we be friends on that basis? Your friendship means a lot to me. OR
• You're a really good friend, I always thought there would be a touch of romance being so close to a woman, but I just love you as a friend. I hope you either work things out with x or leave him and find happiness with another man. OR
• I really want to be with you. Do you feel the same? How can we work it out?

Or something else.

She's in a living together relationship, happy or not. So what she's doing is not fair to her partner or to you.

If I were you I'd back right off - she is obviously enjoying the ego boost she gets from your attentions but she's making no move to end her relationship. That's telling you everything you need to know.

If you're feeling ready to date again, that's great but look elsewhere - for someone who is single and free to have a relationship with you.

People do this to fill voids in their relationship without actually breaking up. You’re actually facilitating her to stay together with him, as you’re meeting the needs that aren’t met at home. It wouldn’t be enough for me if I was you.

I would pull back a bit, she’s not left him. I think if you tell her how you feel you also risk losing the friendship. It’s also really unfair on her partner, who’s probably totally oblivious to this.

She is having an emotional affair with you and is cheating on her partner. You need to decide whether you want to be that as it will blow up one way or another at some point. If you’re developing feelings for her, then be honest and talk to her about it. If not and it’s all too messy, I’d back off.

Yeah unfortunately she's having an emotional affair with you, you are the OM. Like a PP said by still being friends with her you're facilitating that, she's getting her emotional needs met by you and I'm sure some practical things and finances sorted by her partner. She's not being a good person OP, i bet her partner doesn't know all the things you do as friends

I don’t think that’s friendship, is it? It goes beyond that. That’s how I would behave if I was seeing someone. But it’s also not a relationship because she is with someone else.

You say you weren’t looking for a relationship and are still healing from the divorce. This is not a relationship, she is with someone else as I said, and even if it was, you have not had time to get your own head and priorities straight. This woman is filling an emotional gap for you where your marriage was but before you have a proper relationship, you do need to have had time to think about what you want.

I also think you are right not to make a move, sort your own feelings out first and don’t be the person who breaks up her relationship. Just leave her to it and try and get the friendship onto an even keel unless and until she is single. And I do kind of agree that there are children to focus on in this situation so you don’t want to end up an emotional mess when this all blows up

"But she's also with him still and I don't know where I stand."

At the moment you are basically The Other Man.

Lets be clear this isnt friendship....You are having an EA with this woman (emotional affair).

You are getting some needs met, so is she
It feel nice but its not healthy.

Its your life so you do you.
But you have children and responsibilities and from this post (dont remember your previous ones) it spunds like things have been turbulent and you are enjoying contentment and stability.

I would basically tell her this is an EA, its wrong. We need to go NC and if you want to have a relationship with me sort your life out and come back it 2 years once ypu have processed your own separation from your current partner.

You need to prioritise your kids then your yourself.lets be cleae. This isnt froendhsop

She's using you to fill a void in her relationship, it's cheating and unfair on her partner and you (she knows you've had a tough time and are embarking on a new beginning but she's willing to absorb your time, energy and affection while offering you nothing)
She's in an unhappy relationship and probably lost confidence, this is giving her an ego boost.

She is most likely unaware and has just fallen into this with you, (I'm sure it's not intentional ) but you need to gently hold her accountable, and pull back from this situation, otherwise she will allow it to continue indefinitely and you will lose valuable time on someone who is essentially draining you, you could be moving forward on an exciting new adventure with someone who actually is available.

As others have said you are having an emotional affair with this woman. She has a partner so put yourself in his shoes.ln fairness to her partner she needs to decide whether she wants a serious relationship with you or whether you are just a distraction and an ego boost. You need to wind down all the coupley stuff and tell her the reason why otherwise you may find yourself having full blown affair with her. This is more than friendship and if it continues you are on dangerous territory.

You’re having an emotional affair and you’re facilitating her cheating on her husband - is this really who you want to be?

She’s with him physically but with you emotionally. Women need both things and she isn’t getting it at home so sourcing it elsewhere. With you in the picture and fulfilling the emotional side of things, she now has no reason to leave her relationship.
You should tread carefully.

Absolutely this.

You only just settled in your new life. Why are you trying to mess it up again? Is it too peaceful?
She's in a relationship. Thats all you need to know. Even your friendship sounds like a litte too much thats why you're even entertaining making a move - because boundaries already have been crossed.

Hi @Swimmingtosurvive
At the end of the day, she is in a relationship with a man. Whether it's a functional relationship, a boring or steady one, is irrelevant, really. I don't think any self-respecting person should consciously facilitate an affair, emotional, or physical.
The main question is, why are you in turmoil? If this was just a friendship, I don't think you would be here, asking for advice.. Just because your pals are egging you on to make a move? Who cares, honestly. I know I am a guy, so maybe you'd value the other mums' input here, but I am also a guy who is friends with a few women, one is my childhood best friend... And speaking as such, I would say what is bettween the two of you is a tad more than a simple friendship. In-jokes are fine, but a big portion of your day is centered around each other. I talk to my friend (F) don't know...sometimes every 2 weeks, when there are things to discuss, maybe more times (she recently had a baby, so we talk a lot of baby stuff).
If I were you I would certainly make sure my new life as a divorced dad is settled and smooth, rather than complicating it with an affair where I am the third person. Even though you have done nothing physical, the emotional side is clearly budding already, and I sure as hell wouldn't want to be part of something like that. Maybe worth asking her what this whole thing is for her, to see clearly and sort it accordingly...Setting boundaries, for example?