Tips for enduring husband so as not to escalate in front of children

[tarn12]

i cannot leave my husband right now, so this is not an option, but need tips for how to not keep reacting internally and externally when he is being awful. I get so annoyed by his stonewalling and other pathetically stubborn emotionally frustrating behaviour that I lose it and start shouting. My toddlers see this and I know it is damaging them. I can’t seem to swallow my pride and just accept the abuse without standing up for myself, and so the shouting from me spirals. He says the most awful things and blanks me. I feel like I have disappeared as a person since having kids, even giving up my job, and so being given the silent and other ridiculous petty treatment by my husband is the spark that lights my intense anger and shame at what I have become. I need to put up with it somehow. He never apologises for anything, is chronically late for everything and won’t accept this is something to apologise for, he won’t do therapy. We have no family in the same country. I am pregnant and unwell with it and need to ride this out somehow without destroying what little is left of my sense of self worth. I try ignoring him but that just makes me incredibly depressed and I eventually explode. How do you go inside a box and detach without provoking them further? Leaving right now is not possible, I need to ride it out somehow.

Riding it out is going to come at great cost to you and your dc emotionally. You will not be able to ride it out ultimately. Your marriage to him is over because the abuse he metes out.

Was it his idea for you to give up your previous job?.

It’s not possible to fully protect your children from his abuses of you and in turn them whilst you are all under the same roof. Their dad’s abuse towards you is indeed harming them. I note you are pregnant again; is this the reason why you cannot leave at present?. Are there any other factors that are stopping you?.

Are you in the UK?. If so I would urge you to now contact both Woman’s Aid your GP to get the abuse documented. Ultimately you will need to leave your abusive h and return to the workforce. He is not going to make the process of leaving him at all easy because he is abusive and he will be just as abusive when you and he are finally separated. He not going therapy us no surprise because he really does think he is doing nothing wrong here. These types of abusive man are never open to therapy.

I don't think I'd be able to stay and ride it out. Can you separate and live separate lives under the same roof? Maybe move into a separate bedroom and eat at different times etc so avoiding spending as much time with him as possible? It's really damaging for your small children to be around their parents shouting and arguing, but you know this already.

Respectfully, even if you endured his abuse with no reaction at all, your children are still picking up on all of this. His abuse, silent treatment and the overall lack of respect for you. The only solution if you don’t want your children to be affected by this is to leave.