Avoiding commitment

[Separatedbutlivingtogether]

My relationship with my ex-husband started when I was 23 and ended when I was 35, so I spent my entire adulthood with him. He was older, earned substantially more and was controlling and manipulative. I spent years trying to please him, walking on eggshells depending on his mood.
Even separated, he still has me wrapped around his little finger. We're bound together bringing up our 10 year old and spend a lot of time together.
Now for the real point of this post: I don't want a relationship, I don't want to spend my life catering to a man's needs. I have a couple of casual friendships with benefits that fulfill certain needs..! But I am hell-bent on avoiding commitment and the emotional drain that goes with it. I feel that part of my life is over

How old are you now?

and do you really need to spend lots of time with a nasty controlling ex? Can’t be pleasant for anyone

I'm 37 now and yes we do need to spend time together as we're sharing the marital home 4 nights a week, to maintain stability for daughter. I spend 3 nights at my mother's cottage nearby, sometimes with my daughter.
It's not perfect but our priority was to keep the family unit and family home intact.

I'm doing up my mother's cottage to make it a comfortable home for myself, she lives abroad and only spends a few days there every month. The aim is for me to spend more time there with daughter, especially when she starts secondary school in sep, as the cottage is within walking distance.
Don't get the wrong idea though, the time we share as a family at home is happy and relaxed. We get on well and there is no tension.

You want to avoid commitment. OK. You are not exactly in a position to commit to anyone because you still live with your husband. What's your question thought?

No you don't. There are plenty of people who divorce or separate who have kids who don't live together. Sounds awful tbh

He made it clear he would fight for full custody and take our daughter to SA if he needed to. Had I lawyered up, he would have made my life hell and done his upmost to cut me out of our daughter's life.
Agreeing to his terms, that we keep the marital home and that it should remain daughter's main residence, means I have full access to my child and can slowly introduce more time at the cottage together.

You can be in a committed relationship and only see each other once or twice a week. That I co-habit with my ex when I'm not at the cottage isn't a show stopper.
The question is surely others must be done with relationships? I mean the thought of dating and incessant messaging, getting used to quirks and foibles, blah

I mean, I wouldn't be in a committed relationship with someone who still lives with their ex so it's very much a show stopper to me. But no, despite my history, I am not giving up on relationships. In fact, I think it's more hassle to be forever looking for casual sex of unknown quality. Been there, done that. I have a big and beautiful life and the little time that I have I'd rather spend on someone who I can see a life with.

Your poor daughter what an awful situation. No advice but such a shame you cant seperate properly from such an awful man for yours and her sake....it cant be a very nice environment to live in, nor consistent

You're stuck in a committed relationship of sorts with your ex because you're sharing a house. You're still under his control and you spend so much time being controlled, you can't see anything else.

I think house sharing by exes, especially with control issues, is a terrible idea. It just postpones the pain of the split for the child or children and models unhealthy relationships in the inability to end them when they don't work. A 10 year old sees a lot more than you think.

So he is in fact still controlling you 😔

I'm not sure what you wanted from the thread, but of course being single is fine.

Studies have shown the happiest section of society by far are single, childfree women.

Sadly being married to your abuser and sharing a house with him will not lead to peace or happiness for you or your child.

Have you seen a solicitor about his threat to abduct the child to south Africa?

South Africa is a signatory to The Hague convention. If he took her there he would be forced to return her. These are threats to continue to control you. Please find the strength to stand up to him. You are not bound to him. He is still controlling you. I’d try to separate, move to the cottage (with daughter, assuming you are main carer) and settling for 50/50 shared custody when he demands it. I have a suspicion custody may well not seem like so much fun when you are not there too to torment and carry the load. Soon she will be old enough to decide for herself how much time she spends with dad anyway. Re not wanting to commit - so don’t. Don’t blame you. Sounds like you could do with some time alone to heal. Focus on getting away from your ex permanently. You might be surprised how different you feel then.

I think this is a normal feeling after leaving an abusive relationship- as im told anyway as I feel exactly the same way. Cannot imagine ever wanting to be backed into a corner again.
your nervous system has probably and is still probably going haywire. Especially since you have a child together. So I would assume it’s a normal feeling.

They still live together four nights a week

This. Single women are often very happy. Controlled and scared women aren't.

I feel the same @Separatedbutlivingtogether . I did meet someone but in an organic way, I didn’t try to meet him, and if we were no longer together I wouldn’t look for another relationship (or take one if it were offered). And while I was very much into sex when I lived alone, I made do on my own, and now (while I still have a fabulous time with my partner) if he weren’t around I wouldn’t miss that side of things either. So I wouldn’t even want a FWB type of situation. I couldn’t be bothered to go through all that and probably be disappointed!

I’m sorry that you are still coerced by your ex and I also understand your thinking on that. It’s broadly similar to my situation when I separated from my daughter’s father (although no threats of kidnapping her, thankfully). We do manage to coparent well now most of the time, and are amicable which is good for her- but I won’t miss having to discuss things with him, once she’s an adult and independent.