How would you word this?

[Coldfebdays]

I am in a situation with my SIL where she has lied about me to her mother (my MIL) She told my MIL that ai had done something to her behind her back, which I have not. That lie resulted in MIL turning her back on me and my children (her grandchildren) It didn’t take much which makes me think many mire lies have been said over the years! My DC and SIL’s DC are of similar age and were very close. Due to SIL’s lying I have been trying to keep a distance but still maintain some sort of relationship for the children. I have asked SIL a few times if her DC would like to come and play, to which there is always an excuse (my gut instinct is that she is also lying to her children about me). She has now said that my DC can go over to their place but my nervous system is frozen, I do not want to stop my DC having a relationship with their cousins but at the same time dont wish for my children to be in the company of someone who has lied about me and who is the reason they no longer have a loving grandmother who wants anything to do with them. The lie is so ridiculous even if it were trie it woukd be no reason to cut us off which is making me think there have been far more other lies said. I want to word this in a way to SIL that I would love for my DC to spend time with them, but whilst this lie is still being told and jo one is being honest about it I am not comfortable for it to happen.

Why would you want your children to be around such a person?

I want to word this in a way to SIL that I would love for my DC to spend time with them, but whilst this lie is still being told and jo one is being honest about it I am not comfortable for it to happen.

I think you've worded it perfectly already!

Where is your DH in all this - can he not help navigate the situation with his sister and his mother?

Why not write to your MIL explaining exactly what the truth is, and that her not seeing her grandchildren, who love her dearly, is upsetting for all of you.

I dont, I really dont but I know DS enjoys spending time with his cousin (they are 8 and 9) Im sort of stuck in between needing to know whats safe, whats right and what will make DC happy.

Thank you, I could try, she has blocked my number and social media contacts such was the extent of her rage over something that has not even happened. My own mother passed away so now they have no grandmother, it’s heartbreaking but trying to get the truth to them is like knocking my head against a brick wall

I am so sorry for all the typos!

If she loves her grandchildren more than she loves holding a grudge, she should be receptive.
Sometimes reading a letter and digesting it, can have more effect than a phone call or a social media post, where people can say and do things rashly.

I would move heaven and earth to stay in contact with my grandkids....good luck OP. x

Why can't your husband mediate with his mother? Presumably she hasn't blocked him?

No she has not. I must admit my husbands attitude is not helping in that he is making no effort to mediate things. His excuse to me is “i know them, there is no point, they are right and everyone else is wrong always with them” i know he is probably speaking from experience but it still mind boggling to me and do fustrating.

Honestly, I’m not sure there is anything to be gained. I’m wondering about their motives, and can only come up with ones that aren’t good for you.

Your husband isn’t under any illusion that saying something will help or fix it.

This looks a situation where you are hoping for a perfect combination of words that will make them see truth/their mistake but that simply doesn’t exist. They’re unreasonable, you can’t reason with that.

If your MiL was willing to cut you off without discussion, a chance to explain, even a question about what she was told then she’s not a person to be relied on or welcomed by you.

Stop tying yourself up in knots and cut them loose. They’re damaging people and you don’t have to entertain them in your life.

Well you obviously can't let your children go there and she's not going to let her children come to you so you need to stop trying to facilitate a relationship with the cousins and just explain to your children that SIL and MIL have fallen out with you over something silly and so you all can't see them at the moment. If DH isn't bothered enough to try and sort things out with them, I don't think you should be either!

Please don't allow your children to be around people who don't like you and are likely to badmouth you. Hearing negative messages about their parents is damaging to their self-esteem. I appreciate that you want your children to have a relationship with their cousins but under these circumstances it's just not possible. You can not control what they do or say but you can remove yourself and your children from their toxicity. What if the next people they start lying about are your kids?

Thank you for this, this was just the shake I needed to be reminded of the magnitude of what they have done. Thank you for that reminder. A simple sorry he wont be able to come and play?

You are most welcome @Coldfebdays.

I think a simple ‘sorry, no, we’re not available’ is fine. No need to say why - that only gives an opening to nag you into submission. You don’t need to explain or justify.