Was this coercive control? Feeling shaken looking back

[daddydj]

Hi all,

I’m recently out of a long-term relationship and I’m trying to work out whether what I experienced was just incompatibility or something more concerning.

For around 18 months, my ex repeatedly pressured me to have sex and to agree to having a third child. I told her many times that this pressure was badly affecting my mental health — that I felt anxious, overwhelmed and unable to cope — but the pressure didn’t stop. In fact, it often intensified after I said how much I was struggling.

She regularly described sex and having another baby as “deal breakers” and said she couldn’t cope or be happy without them. At the same time, she would be extremely distressed — not sleeping, crying for hours, saying she felt panicky or couldn’t breathe — while asking me to agree to intimacy or another child. I felt like if I said no, I was responsible for her emotional collapse.

On several occasions she talked as if we had already agreed to a third baby when we hadn’t, referring to it as “the plan” and imagining how excited the children would be, even though I had never consented. This made it feel much harder to disagree without feeling cruel or selfish.

We were in couples counselling, and parts of that were sometimes used to justify continuing intimacy or keeping timelines in place, even when I said I was uncomfortable. Rather than the pressure easing, it became something I was expected to “work through”.

Over time I became scared to raise my needs at all, because every time I did it seemed to lead to more distress, more urgency, or more pressure. I eventually told her I felt trapped and like I didn’t have a real choice.

By the end, I was constantly anxious, had sexual difficulties, and was genuinely afraid of upsetting her by speaking honestly. When I finally did speak clearly and set boundaries, the relationship ended very quickly.

Looking back, I’m trying to understand whether this pattern (especially being pressured despite saying I couldn’t cope, and feeling responsible for her emotional wellbeing) could be considered coercive or emotionally abusive.

I’d really appreciate any perspectives.

Yes, it’s coercive control, manipulation and emotional abuse.

A male relative of mine was in a very, very similar situation. You have done the right thing by ending the relationship and I’m really sorry this happened to you.

Thank you @BauhausOfEliott. How did your male relative deal with it? I'd be interested to know if he reported this to the police as I am considering the same. I have a lot of evidence in WhatsApp.

No, he didn’t report anything. I certainly think some elements of her behaviour were probably criminal but I doubt he was aware of that at the time. Also his priority was keeping things as non-confrontational as possible for his access to his children.

It was actually the wife that ended the relationship because she essentially decided he was of no use to her if he wasn’t going to agree to having more children (she has seven kids in total by three fathers and she ended her last relationship because she didn’t get pregnant for an eighth time).

I would definitely recommend counselling or therapy of some sort if you can manage it.

That does sound very similar to what I went through, trying to keep things stabilised in order to maintain access to the children. There should be a playbook for this kind of thing.

This is so similar. I was receiving counselling and that's what actually helped me to build the boundary to say no to another child. It flipped almost immediately from "we can make this work" to "this is unfixable." And just as in the situation you described, as soon as I moved out, she met someone in the same month. 12 months later she was pregnant.

What would your aim be in doing that? Do your existing children live with her now? Would you envision attempting to get sole residence for them with you?

Sorry this happened to you. But your focus needs to be on the kids.

go to therapy. Work on yourself. Get the kids therapy when they need it.
work through with your therapist whether to go to the police or not.

I am concerned that the kids would be subjected to similar coercive dynamics and to a lesser extent future partners where such behaviour could create an unstable home environment and impact the kids.

The point about the police isn't to punish or get revenge. It's the idea that reporting it could prevent a future detrimental event from happening. Equally it could cause further turmoil for the kids in the short term which is why this feels difficult.

I think the suggestion to work this through with a therapist is a good one and one I'll take on board

I think that as this happened in the private sphere of conflicting interests within an intimate relationship, this would be hard to frame as coercive-control in the criminal context you are suggesting
It is coercive and and unreasonable behaviour without a doubt but for it to stand up in criminal sense you would need to evidence harm that stands alone outside, the threat of losing said relationship if you did not comply with demands- relationships break up under these circumstances all the time. They cannot be policed. The issue is ‘harm’ and ‘lasting or catastrophic harm’ that has been caused by criminal behaviour

Examples could be ongoing detriment to your finances through deliberate withholding that directly affects your basic needs; denied socialisation with others such as evidenced forced isolation from friends and family; consistent parental isolation with realised and noted consequences; real and constant fear of violent or cruel consequences for non compliancy; being put in situations where you yourself, present the risk of actual harm to yourself or your children by virtue of your fear of your abuser. Also succumbing/submitting to acts you do not consent to, but are powerless to resist and this results in lasting physical or emotional damage outside the realm of a conflict of interests.

It was a huge huge step forward for those us who had been working towards Coercive Control becoming a criminal act that could be prosecuted ( I was a family safe guarding social worker at the time) but the perimeters are tight -as they should be.