Please bear with my long post. I want your genuine advice, as someone who has seen life and have more experience than me.
Background:
- I have known my husband since I was 16Y old, in a relationship since we were both 19Y old and both came to the UK for uni.
- There were ups and downs in our relationship, but we navigated through those and have been each other's support throughout our lives.
- We are both ambitious people, however, my husband is less than me, and I am the one who has been pushing him to better his life and career throughout the years.
- I got married 3 years ago. Left my very successful career and my beautiful life in London to support my husband moving countries for his job.
- I wanted a family, and with my hours, it was not possible. Before I got married, my conditions to my husband were: 1) he would pay me £25k as my marriage security (religious reasons), which is money I would use to start a business, and 2) he would support me to re-establish a source of income so that I do not feel I have completely lost my independence.
- My husband works in finance, £25k is very affordable to him. 2 days before we got married, he blackmailed me using his parents who live in SE Asia and made me agree to say £10k in front of them, and he would pay me the remaining £15k after the wedding. Apparently, £10k is a huge sum for his country, which I understand, so I agreed. I was also very stressed with the wedding preparations and didn't get my wedding outfit on time, so I had no strength left to disagree.
- After marriage, we moved and I tried to start my business, with my own savings, but I was not getting the support I was promised. Not even the emotional support. A lack of encouragement, active efforts to discourage me, refusal to help when I could only rely on his help.
- He says my business idea is foolish and has repeatedly tried to put me down in front of friends and family members. He does not encourage me. I have to beg him for little help.
- He treated me badly when I went to visit his parents and made me cry there.
- Although he is a good partner in many ways, he helps with chores, carries my bags, takes me to vacations and covers our bills.
- He would tell me "the only reason you are living in dignity is because of me".
- I have expressed my needs to him many times, a million times, he refuses to hear me out. Sometimes he will mock me, sometimes he will threaten me.
- In an argument last year, I was urging him to see a doctor for his skin condition and in response, he spit on my face. It had taken a toll on me, it took me a lot of patience and courage to forgive him that incident.
- I had told him I wanted a marriage proposal, he never gave me one. He was supposed to buy me a wedding ring that I liked after we get married (we didn't have enough time to choose one before the wedding, so we agreed that he would buy me one later), but he never did. I keep bringing it up, and he refuses to honour his words.
- He does not like to celebrate my birthday, valentine's day, or our anniversaries. I will say it's important to me and he does buy me a cake and takes me out to eat, but not at the restaurant I want, or not the things that I like, I got the impression that he only does it to 'shut me up'. I cried continuously for my birthdays in the last 3 years.
- This year, we had another big argument. I tapped him, and he hit me hard twice in response. I know sometimes it happens, but he hit me to hurt me. He says sorry, but it broke something inside of me.
- I cannot sleep, I suffer from insomnia. My body shivers, my nervous system is wrecked. Everybody I meet tells me I look so tired. I am so tired. I am betrayed.
- My husband has a house in London. I asked him many times to lend me the house for my business and even offered to pay for his mortgage. He refused. After fighting a lot, he agreed to pay for a warehouse for me.
- I have some family members coming for a holiday, and I wanted to let them live in the house for 2 weeks. He started asking me to tell them to pay the fixed costs of running the house for those 2 weeks, mortgage, bills, heating. However, his brother is now going to go to university, and my husband is offering him the whole house to stay for free.
- He did not repay me the £15k for 3 years. After fighting a lot, he paid it back this year, but it hurt my self respect that I have to fight so much for £15k that I would have easily earned myself if I did not sacrifice to build a life with him. I lost more than half a million in earnings, and I do not think he appreciates it.
- I could have started a business with someone else, but he kept giving me false hopes and never did any actions. I got tired waiting eventually.
- He provides everything, the basic expenditures + holidays, but I have no knowledge of our finances. I only know roughly because I was in the same field.
- My mental health suffered a lot, so I came back to the UK. At first he was very apologetic, regretted his actions and wanted a chance to make things right. Then he thought I was filing for divorce against him, and would take half of his net worth, so became agitative.
- His parents also got involved in our fights, and they made him feel that whatever he did was "small" and I was being the difficult one. They also used fear mongering to make him change the keys of the flat we were staying in.
- I liked his parents a lot, and they have never been rude to me. However, it seems they only like me to the extent that I am a silent housewife who supports and takes care of their son, and they do not like my independence of thoughts, having my own opinions and living my life on my own terms. They do not understand or respect my rights as an independent woman, I think they are not used to it. Because of this, we now have rifts.
- It is true that before I left, I threatened him with divorce, it was my last desperate attempt to try and make him resolve our issues (which were easy to do). He only concentrated on his career and holidays, and did not address my concerns no matter how many times I said it bothered me, I cried, I fought, I did everything. Avoidance, dismissal, stonewalling, that's all I got.
- My husband has filed for divorce in a rage, and he says he wants to see if we can reconcile. He says the threat of divorce has shattered him as he loved me very much, but he has suffered so much pain in the last 3 months that it completely broke him.
- I do love him a lot, and in many ways, I feel we had a special love in our relationship that I do not see often. We hold hands wherever we go, even in the taxis. He takes care of me in many ways, he does not like to exhaust me with chores, so he does them when he gets back from work to help me. He cooks with me. He shops with me. He prays with me, and he always prayed to grow old with me. Other than being there and being present in his life, he has never asked me for anything, no gifts, no pressured sex, no special gestures, he is happy just being with me in silence. Everywhere we go in the world, he buys me a gift as a souvenir. We have cherished our memories together and looked forward to making more.
- I thought he was my soulmate, and I do worry that I will not find this kind of love again. This is our first relationship, for both of us. We have gone through a lot together, but we always found a way to get back to each other. I tried to resolve things with him, and while he says he regrets the things he has done, I do not see any compromise or commitment from him, especially financially, as this was a big reason we fought. He has agreed to pay my living expenses until we decide what to do, we are currently in the reconciliation period of the divorce process.
- I do not know what to feel, or hope anymore. I wanted him to make some genuine efforts and acknowledge my sacrifices, and I would have been happy. But things have deteriorated and they seem to have gotten out of my control. He still comes to visit me, he cries, he tells me he loves me and always will, but doesn't know if he can live with me in peace. As for me, I feel betrayed, used, neglected, dismissed, as if my needs were not important. I know deep down, he is a good man at heart, but I feel that I like to plan my life for the next 5 years, and he lives day to day and doesn't have a vision for the future.
- Is this what marriage is? Constant sacrifice, forgiveness and repair? Are we in an adjustment period, since it's been 3 years since we got married? Did you have to go through this? Have you ever been in a situation like this, what can you advise me? I appreciate any insight you may offer.