My sister is a nightmare

[Newlife12]

I have never had a good relationship with my Sister and we have not spoken for 8 years, as I called out on stealing money from my dad who had dementia. Sadly he passed away on Monday, I have offered to be civil so we can make the arrangement for the funeral but sadly she is acting like petulant child and is now making plans with my mum ( who divorced from dad over 30 years ago) that my brother and I don't want and we are not getting a say in anything. My brother is seething and I can see this turning into a right shit show. If anyone has any suggestions how to handle would be grateful

I am sorry for your loss and you are having to deal with his on top.

The key is who are the executors and who holds the paperwork certifying death.

I know it’s probably not in your nature but be pushy in terms of contacting the funeral directors and person conducting the service. Make it clear it’s your brother and yours Dad too and you want an input to the funeral etc. They are used to navigating difficult circumstances but you need to be pro active, firm but polite.

Thanks Kirschcherries,

I am going to try and find out who they are going to use and speak to them directly. This is my first experience of dealing with something like this. I have a feeling this is going turn into a huge rift. My sister also does not talk to 2 of her adult children so what terrible atmosphere it going to be.

If it's going to be so awful can you and your brother not go and do something privately at the same time as the funeral, just for the two of you?

I’m sorry for your loss.
Who was your dad closest to?
Most importantly, who is the death certificate registered to? When I was planning my dads funeral we had issues (between my sibling and I) and the funeral director was only legally allowed to take instructions from the person named on the death certificate.

Who registered the death, and who is dealing with the funeral director and arranging the payment for the funeral?

You're having to deal with her guilt, that's why she's being difficult.

I don't know know who is registered on the death cert, I got a call yesterday from the GP who visited him as the care home had named me as next of kin. Apparently the system has changed a bit, so waiting to hear back from them.
This is becoming a nightmare. My mother has taken over, I tried to talk with her yesterday explaining how my brother and I would like to be involved in the arrangements, her response was she is paying for it so they call the shots, wtaf. My Dad loathed her and they have not seen each other in 35 years, he would hate her even being there. Money has not been discussed, I am more than happy to contribute but don't even know what is being planned. I don't even know where he has been taken.

A funeral is for the living not the dead so try not to worry about what he would have wanted, he won't know. (I know that's harder than it sounds). If you and brother are unhappy with what your sister and mother are planning then you have 2 options, contact the funeral home and persuade them not arrange anything with her OR step right back and not attend, instead do something meaningful to both of you to remember your Dad. You can always include anyone who was close to him and invite them to your alternative memorial (which could just be a remembrance in a place he loved or drinks at the pub).

I would find out if there is a will & executor in case your mother thinks she can claim the cost of the funeral from the estate (if there is one, if he's been in care there may not be much money left I assume). If there is no will and he's died intestate then it's up to you if you want to get probate underway or not, depends a lot on if there is any substantial inheritance left and if you an borther feel strongly about how it should be distributed.

Sorry for your loss, dementia is such a hard thing to deal with.

@Newlife12 Make sure the GP gives you the documentation and that you register the death.

Whilst you are waiting for the GP try and track down your Dads Will or a5 least which solicitor holds it.

If one can’t be found then the laws of intestacy apply. https://www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

As your Mum and Dad are divorced it is likely you, your brother and sister are jointly entitled to manage the funeral and probate.

Note: Funeral expenses can be claimed direct from your Dad’s estate no need for anyone to pay upfront.

First and foremost, you need to know who was given the death certificate and whether or not the death has been registered yet.

If you register the death you will receive a paper that’s required to organise the funeral - it’s additional to the death certificate. I’d assume that whoever is executor and has bank details will be able to organise the funeral. I doubt that is your mum if she’s divorced.
This sounds very stressful and I’m sorry for your loss.