It’s coming up to 2 years since I last spoke to my late husband. I’ve posted here with a couple of user names about our separation, police stuff, alcohol and his subsequent suicide. It’s been a journey. I dreamt about him last night, I think it was the first calm dream where I felt I was talking to the person I had loved, and that seems like a transition – although I don’t really want him in my dreams as it is always unsettling when I wake up.
I miss him every day, and I don’t know if it is the universe speaking to me, but last week I was in a cathedral and wanted to go and light a candle for him, there was a lot going on, and I found a quiet corner with a candle stand, and right by it was a text a friend had used when speaking at his funeral. I know logically it was a coincidence, but significant.
I also don’t miss the person he was in our last years together, and I know if he were still alive life would be a nightmare, alcoholism does not go away, and he was not a happy drunk, it had got to the point that he was borderline psychotic and I was not safe physically or emotionally, so I do really know that I am better off now, however much it makes me sad to say that.
I think about some of the things going on in my life now, both good and bad, and know that it is so much less stressful now than it would have been when he was there, as he hated me doing anything that wasn’t focused around him.
So I am not sure what the purpose is of me posting this, other than seeing my progression of feelings over these two years, and hoping when I look back on this in a few month’s time I will feel that I have made progress, and to say to others who maybe have life with an alcoholic, or someone who displays coercive control there is a path through the horror.
I find posting here and in other places very beneficial so thank you for listening.