I have posted on this site so many times over the years, really I could be part of the mumsnet 25 year anniversary. Neither never left,although we would say it was over and sometimes this could go for months but we always mended it. I ended it before about 10 years ago when I discovered he had been on porn sites ( and had been for a long time and lying about it as we kept getting computer virus ( I thought our young boys had been accessing them and had the talk with them). After 9 months, he asked me to do marriage counselling which we did for almost a year and came back together. While I am sure he has his laundry list of complaints about me ( I spend to much and dont stick to the budget ( note that he creates), I indulge the kids, I'm too dependent, I'm too independant, on it goes). I knew it was difficult and often felt trapped, but I thought we had turned a corner. It had improved and he was less critical and unpredictable. we have been living apart for over a year while he was on an international posting and, TBH, it was so peaceful, just me and a few kids left at home ( most are adults now). He came home last summer and was miserable, all the old critics, I spend too much, my family is awful, the kinds are failing at life because of me. Note I work and make a good salary, more than he does. the final straw was over retirement. I worked 2 years past my 30 year retirement date as he wanted me to keep working. I continually told him I was retiring in the summer or fall. He demanded I take into account his retirement date for me april 2026 vs mine which was fall 2025. It was a " family decision" and he gave me all the old behavoirs, criticism, silent treatment etc. but something broke in me this summer, in a good way. The kids were grown, they had their own frustrations with him, and I felt free to make my own decisions. I chose my retirement date and said I couldn't continue given his actions in the summer. We are now on track for separation and I am happily retired. I feel at peace with my life and no longer have to walk on eggshells. So why do I feel sad? I feel like I failed somehow. I am scared I guess. Sorry for the long post. I just needed to get it out.