Just ended my relationship

[changednameagainobvs]

I've just ended my relationship of 3 years. There was nothing massively wrong, just a feeling it wasn't right. A lot of repeated moaning on his side about his situation with no thought of trying to change things. Differences regarding politics and religion. Unease on my part about things that happened early in the relationship where I suspect he was lying but couldn't prove it, thought I could move on from it but still haven't. And just generally lack of affection, cuddles. Lots of little things.

I know I don't need a reason or to justify myself. I just feel bad because it will have come out of the blue for him. I can't discuss it with him because I've tried before and he talked me round. I can't risk that again. I've blocked him to prevent the guilt tripping messages I got last time. But he has a key and at the very least will probably come knocking on my door. I'll leave my key in the door so he can't let himself in. I know I should change the locks but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to in a housing association property and also I can't afford to for another ten days as I've no money.

We also had tickets to three concerts, ticket master won't let me transfer the tickets to him so I've had to put them up for sale but IF they sell I won't get the money until after the event which is June and July, I don't think he's going to be happy about that but again I can't afford to pay him back.

Sorry for the long post. I think I just need some support. Or to just write it all down even.

Hey. That's not easy, and sounds like you had totally valid reasons. Treat yourself to something nice and see some good friends over the next few days? All the best

I don't have many friends here. Can't even treat myself due to lack of funds. But I do have ice cream in the freezer!

I believe the police will change your locks if you say you’ve reason to believe he will turn up and let himself in/ you’ll be at risk of harm.

I can understand why you’ve done it but I’m not sure that when he has keys to your house and you have events coming up you’ll need to reimburse him for, that blocking is the right thing to do in this situation . You might need to unblock him and sort this stuff out first

Good luck in moving on, it clearly wasn't going anywhere if you feel that way. Stay safe

I've messaged him regarding the tickets to tell him I'll transfer the money as soon as I get it.

Can you borrow some money to get the lock changed? I doubt very much HA wouls expect residents not to have to change their locks in relationship break ups where there might be problems.
Have you spoken to HA for advice?

I've messaged them on the app to ask. I can't borrow money no.

Ending a relationship is always upsetting, even when you know it’s not good for you.

Remind yourself why you did it in the first place when you start feeling wobbly.

Do you feel bereft? Or perhaps lighter and calmer?

From my experience, sit tight and do nothing in terms of contact for at least 2 weeks. You’ll probably feel calm one day and then hesitant and guilty the next. That is normal. It’s almost like withdrawal from a relationship, no way around it, you need to go through it. After that emotions calm down and you start feeling distance and detachment and see thungs clearly for what they are. Don’t get sucked back in in those first weeks, you’ll be back to square zero.

Thanks. I'm OK at the moment, I think it'll hit me tomorrow, but I need to stay strong. I tried to end the relationship before, but he hung around, texting and ringing and talked me round. He's a nice guy, but not for me.

Could you switch the locks? From the back door to the front and vice versa? So if he does try the lock and it doesn’t work it will throw him off.

He just turned up at my door and kept knocking until I had to answer to avoid upsetting my neighbours. Apparently just to check I was ok.

He won't take no for an answer and that's dangerous.

Text him it's over. He's not to contact you in any way and that if he comes around disturbing the neighbors trying to get in, you'll call the police.

If you can't change your door locks, get a door wedge with an alarm for your doors and put chain locks on.

@changednameagainobvs sorry you are going through it right now. Twickets website is really good for selling events tickets. Could you ask your housing supplier to change the locks?? If not wedge a broom across the door. Stay safe hun x

Thank you. He's not a bad guy. He just wanted to ask what was wrong. I can't even put it into words really. I just know I've felt more than this in other relationships. If I tell him about some of things I'm thinking about he'll try to change them, but that's no good. He is who he is and shouldn't change for me. I've told him he done nothing wrong, it just isn't right for me, but he doesn't understand- and I get that. I'm not giving him much information.

Re the tickets, four out of 8 have sold, I just have to wait for payment which I'll pass straight to him. I understood from ticketmaster that you have to sell them through their website.

He gave me my key back, so that's no longer a problem.

Good for you. Wish I listened to my gut with my exes haha. A women's intuition rarely wrong.

So he rang me this evening. I sent him a message because he wanted to do me a favour to help me out, her told me that when he came to the door. With hindsight I decided I wasn't comfortable with it and messaged to let him know I appreciated the offer but I didn't need help. He then rang. Asked again if I'd reconsider, that he's really sad, I apologised but said I'm not reconsidering. It's hard and I've cried a lot tonight but I have to stick with my decision.

Hold your ground. Have you made it clear by text that it's over? You might need that for the police if he becomes bothersome. He shouldn't be talking to you anymore. If he tries, block him. If he comes to your door and makes a ruckus, warn him through the door that you will call the police - and call them if he doesn't leave. You need to absolutely cut contact to get through the difficult first months.

I couldn't do that to him. He's not violent, he's just sad and lonely. I have made it clear that it's over but apparently his mum told him to fight for me!

He's really not a good guy. He may not be violent but he sure doesn't respect your no. He's controlling and coercive.

He banged on your door so long you were afraid your neighbours would be mad and you let him in. This is where you should tell him to go away instead of letting him in. Or let the neighbours yell at him or call the police.

You sent him a message telling him no to a favour he wanted to do for you. Doing unwanted favours is about control, not being nice. So then he thought he could call and badger you more about taking him back.

Text him your only contact in the future will be you returning the ticket money. There is to be no other contact. He is not to call or text you or come to your house banging until you let him in. Block him. Don't answer the door to him. Go no contact with the exception of returning the ticket money.

I've messaged him this morning asking him not to call or come round and he replied he wouldn't. I know he was trying to control me I guess. Trying to get me back through kindness. I feel very sad about it all but need to move on.

Well done for being brave.
Its hard for sure, but long term you were wasting both your time and his.
Feel those feelings of sadness and you will move on quicker.
We are here for you.