My friend is having an affair because she’s not happy in her marriage. What do I say?

[caniquitwork]

How do I react? I don’t agree with her going behind her husband’s back, I think it’s terrible. But I understand why she’s unhappy and confused and I want to be supportive. It’s not easy for her to end the marriage, for various reasons.

My favourite friend would bury bodies for me never mind just listen and talk through any potentially bad calls I make. Friendship first for me.

No excuse for having an affair, simple as that.

no one deserves to be cheated on, even a man!!

she sounds horrible, but it’s non of your business so stay well away

Just listen. We all make questionable decisions at some point.

Don’t get involved. If she tries to speak about it to you tell her u can’t support her choices in this and that you’re not the right person to be telling things to. She will get herself hurt when it all comes crashing down as it usually does, so just be there for her when it happens but let her know you don’t agree with it, however it is her life and she can do as she wishes. What happens if she is caught and it becomes public knowledge and gossip is her own doing.

U can’t control her life but you can be there to listen and support her

I would ask her not to involve me but it sounds like lending an ear is what you'll end up doing then she will drag you into lying for her to cover up. It's you and your morals. But then I'm not the type to burry bodies for anyone!

I don't know how people can 'just listen' to horrible things they don't agree with and not judge the person or want to say what they really think.. you're all better and wiser people with great listening/therapist skills. I couldn't be impartial or have that toxicity deception and drama in my life. I'd be replaying what she said and never see her the same again.

You’ll get a lot of “not your business” or “support her” but on here people are always told tha a man who stays friends with a mate who cheats is just as bad as him…

I'd ask her if she really really wants to hurt another hunan being like that

Fair enough if your not happy leave or take time out
But there's never any excuse fir an affair, its the stuff of the weak selfish cowards of the world....

I'd try and talk sense into her, but if she doesn't listen that's on her

I'd find it difficult to be friends with someone who's so badly lacking moral compass. How do you know she's not going to use you as her alibi for when she's off screwing around with the AP? If she asks you to lie to cover for her, that makes you an accessory. Or you tarred with the same brush if people find out you knew what was going on all along.

I'd be telling her to either tell her husband or I would. Wouldn't care if that meant the end of the friendship, I've got no time for a friend who would do that to their partner.

My wife's best friend is like this, cheated on her husband had an affair and misbehaved since then. She as even encouraged my wife to get off with another man when they have been out. I promised I would not tell her husband who I barely know but I still find it so wrong and don't want my wife really to be associated with her.

I’d have to say something, I’d have one conversation where I said look I won’t mention this again but I wouldn’t be being a good friend if I didn’t think you were making a terrible mistake etc etc

I'd tell her she needs to stop as her life will blow up in her face very quickly if he finds out or the guilt gets too much.
There are ways of dealing with an unhappy marriage and this isn't one of them.

Keep the whole thing at arm's length.

If (when) it all goes tits-up, you can support her then. Meanwhile, stay out of it.

I’d visibly wince while she was telling me so it would be all over my face what I thought of it.
Your options aren’t great.
If you can withstand her talking about it to you I’d set some ground rules including you’ll never lie on her behalf (if the husband calls to ask if she was with you last night etc.).

Why can’t she leave him?
I cant think of a reason she couldn’t leave him but could risk an affair.

My best friend and I would bury bodies for each other, no moral judgements here.
My only concern would be for the potential fallout for her /her kids if it all went tits up and not the potential impact on her spouse as I don’t care, as he’s not my best friend ( and he’s a knob)

You would say that to your best friend?
wow

I'm not supportive of affairs. I think they're abusive to the spouse in emotional, mental, and physical ways and if there's children, they have to carry that pain for a very long time.

If she's so unhappy in her marriage, end it before she starts a new relationship. Oh, she doesn't like the fallout from that?

If her marriage is holding her back so much she's cheating but won't leave the marriage, then she's deriving benefits from the marriage she's unwilling to give up. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.

If there's abuse going on, another man won't save her.

Does she have children, because that would change everything about how I acted?

There’s a few people I know who I could genuinely excuse for having affairs. My FIL is one of them. When my MIL speaks to him like shit, I really hope he’s knocking some woman off at the golf club. He’s had a lifetime of misery and I would not blame him for seeking solace somewhere else.

Just mind your own business.

There’s a few marriages where I can genuinely understand why someone would play away.

@Moveoverdarlin

💯 agree. As much as the morality police like to condemn every affair on here, quite often things are not that black and white. But then I never, ever judge because…….I’ve not walked a mile in their shoes. It’s lazy thinking to apply the same prescriptive reaction to every human being. So easy to do that it almost absolves the person making the judgement of any real effort to engage lateral thinking or insight……..oh wait

Exactly. The black and white thinking brigade on here really get on my nerves

If you are unsympathetic but know about the affair anyway, you should probably advise her to be more careful with who she tells, especially if she’s not in a strong domestic position.