Can you have a happy relationship without trust?

[Jellybeans00]

In the past, my partner stole from the joint account to buy drugs. He’s lied multiple times about taking drugs and smoking when he promised not to. We moved away from family and friends with 2 kids. He promised this would be a new start with no lies. I caught him smoking after this and said if he lies again that is it and offered him to come to me if he was struggling as I know addiction is hard. But it was him who said he wanted to quit and promised this, although he is aware I didn’t like it. Last week I finally started to feel safe again and told him this. Yesterday I found cigarettes, confronted him that I thought he was smoking again and he barefaced lied that he would never do that to me and the kids. He then admitted it when showed the evidence. It broke my heart. It’s not the smoking - it’s the sneaking around, lies and betrayal. He can lie so convincingly to my face that I don’t think I can trust him ever again.

Is it over? Or can the relationship be saved?

His addiction hasn’t magically disappeared just because you changed location and he ‘promised’. Stealing money to buy drugs is a massive issue, it shows his addiction comes first, before you and kids stability and safety.

He can promise all he likes, words are cheap. His actions don’t support them.

I gather he is not smoking cigarettes, it’s weed and perhaps something else. He is still the same person who stole the money for drugs and he will remain that person.

He lied to you already. He will lie again.

There is no relationship without trust, no. It’s just how long it will take you to realise that.

You CAN have a relationship without trust, but why would you? I couldn't because it becomes toxic and corrosive in the end

@OriginalUsername2 Thank you! I really appreciate the time you have taken to reply. And no smoking doesn't make you a bad person at all - you seem like a really nice person :). I do get it, smoking is hard to quit and it definitely has to be on their terms. He did take money from the joint account 2 years ago for drugs as people were doing it at his work and he obviously didn't have strong enough willpower. He hasn't done the drugs or taken money since as I check all bank accounts, including his, and everything is accounted for. Plus he stopped working at that place over a year and a half ago. I guess he comes from that sort of past/background and has always had it around him but has struggled to leave some of it behind.

I think you are are right though that I will just have to drop it and leave it up to him. It's the only way. He says he wants to quit but needs help to do it. I would like to do an honesty pact but honestly I don't think I would be able to trust him in regards to this. But it has been so helpful to get your perspective from an ex-smoker and to see where his mind might be at. And adding light on the situation as a whole, and considering that there might be more to it 💜

What I find difficult is that I know he has lied about drugs/smoking, but I honestly believe he would never cheat. He has just never come across that way inclined, even when I knew him before dating. So I can say I fully trust him in that respect without hesitation, and that is what is difficult. I see these two trust elements as separate. So it is hard, because it doesn’t seem so logical sometimes, when we are ending our love because I was so adverse that he felt he had to hide things and addiction is difficult situation to overcome. Just because he is struggling to overcome his addiction – does that mean he doesn’t respect or love us enough? I’m not sure if they are separate things. He isn’t a bad person, but he does make very bad decisions. I also am trying to be realistic as not every relationship is perfect and has its problems. I fully agree trust is needed, and some element of that is gone, but not sure it has all gone. I know a few relationships that are surviving where one person has had a fling or smooch with and without the other half knowing/finding out (although before they had kids which I’m not sure if that matters), but I think I would prefer the lying about cigarettes than a direct attack on me by cheating.

I truly appreciate everyone’s comments – I would be saying a lot of similar things. I guess the decision is not easy and I’m not sure it’s ever so black and white. This perspective really does help and it would be interesting to know if anyone has ever overcome anything similar in their relationship.