I’m posting because I feel completely overwhelmed, guilty, and very alone, and I need perspective from people who have dealt with a toxic parent or repeated conflict in front of their children.
Today was my daughter’s 2nd birthday, but the tension actually started this morning before my mum even arrived.
The issue was that I recently got a new cat. I hadn’t told my mum about it because, historically, anything to do with animals causes arguments, she criticises my pets, calls them “too much work,” and uses them as a way to attack my decisions. I chose not to tell her for that reason, not because I was trying to lie or hide anything.
When she found out anyway, she accused me of lying to her. I explained that I hadn’t lied, i had simply chosen not to share it because of how negatively she reacts to anything involving my animals, but she didn’t accept that.
Because of that, when we were texting about her dropping presents off for my daughter she said she'd drop them on the step which was fine as I wanted to avoid confrontation in my home and around my children, especially on a birthday.
Despite all of this, she came straight into the house as soon as she arrived. Within seconds, she started making passive-aggressive “smart arse” comments about my animals, for example, “This is not for the dogs to chew.” My dogs are actually very well behaved and non-destructive, but it felt deliberately snarky and unnecessary, as if she was looking for something to pick at.
From there, it escalated quickly. She continued to accuse me of lying about the cat, criticised my decisions, and told me outright that I “shouldn’t be setting boundaries with my mother.” The argument ended up happening in front of my children while my daughter was opening her presents. That is what I’m most devastated about, I feel sick that such a special moment for my little girl was interrupted by adult conflict and negativity.
This isn’t an isolated incident. A few months ago, something very similar happened in front of my kids, but that time, she argued with my husband. She had told me I “shouldn’t trust him” to work away. When he calmly confronted her and said she was out of order, she escalated it to the point of asking him for a fight. Since then, he does not feel comfortable being around her at all.
Looking back, this feels like part of a much longer pattern that goes all the way back to my childhood:
• As a child, I was never allowed to spend big occasions like my birthday or Christmas with my dad. These days were always controlled and kept on my mum’s side of the family.
• My dad and his wife were constantly bad-mouthed in front of me growing up. As a small child, I repeated what my mum said about them. I very clearly remember telling my dad and his wife that my mum had called her an “ugly mug” — and I can still picture their shocked and hurt reactions to that.
• My mum has always resented my nana, who I was extremely close to. My nana was my safe person. When she passed away and I said I felt nervous about her funeral, my mum told me my nana was “ashamed of me,” which still hurts to think about.
She frequently tells me I’m “like my dad’s side of the family” as if that is an insult.
• Whenever I’ve been pregnant, she has treated it as a negative thing — worrying, criticising, or dampening the excitement — even though I’m in my late 20s, married, working, and living in my own home.
• She has repeatedly argued with me about getting pets, saying they are “too much work” and criticising that part of my life.
• She has also argued with me about our wish to move to a better area in the future, making me feel wrong for wanting more for my family.
All of this makes today feel like the tipping point rather than a one-off argument.
Right now, I feel incredibly alone with it all. I’m not close with my biological dad or my step-mum, and my own mum’s behaviour feels toxic and emotionally unsafe. I keep wishing my late nana was still here, because she was the only truly steady, loving adult in my family.
My biggest fear is my children growing up thinking this kind of conflict, disrespect, and boundary-crossing is normal. I don’t want their childhood memories to include arguments, tension, and walking on eggshells around family.