Life after DV…. What now?

[FrozenNow]

I don’t know where to start.
Married a year, we were together six before that. Lived together too and I thought I knew him so well.

A few weeks ago, very intoxicated, he hit me. Not a slap or a push, a punch. A real punch.

I was in complete shock, and in that state he convinced me we needed to try and save the marriage. There’s kids. Since then he’s been Dream Husband.

the trouble is I hate myself. He’s made me a hypocrite, I’m a smart educated woman and I know these things are never a one off. I would go crazy if anyone did this to my friends. But I’ve met him get away with it. I also have no feelings for him now… I don’t respect him, I don’t want him near me. I fantasise about being without him. So many of us say ‘I wouldn’t never put up with this’ but I’ve done just that.

I know what I have to do, I think just want someone to say, I know how this bit feels.

Hiya. Oh no, he hit you, and he has changed everything.

And you are thinking about leaving him...

I do know how this bit feels, I was a dv advisor for many years. I saw so many women leave and their lives just get better.

I feel so disappointed in myself, it’s almost like he’s irrelevant in it all now

Have a chat with Women’s Aid or whatever they call themselves these days. I think theres “Refuge” as well. Do some Googling.

They might help you untangle your mixed emotions, feelings and confusion. Your marriage is no longer your safe place.

Also seek proper legal advice. That too might help you take a direction towards a peaceful de-stressed life.

Im appalled that you sustained such a punch. FFS what kind of a bastar8 does that to a woman? I was “slapped” hard across the face/head a few times many years ago and eventually got out. I know that feeling of confusion and anxiety about “what the fk do I do now? How am I supposed to feel about this “man?”

My granny used to say “The Lord helps those who help themselves.” So big girl pants on and do some fact finding. It’ll help with your decisions now or in the future.

Good luck OP. Big MNetty hug as they say. 💐

My best friend didn’t leave the first time he hit her. Nor the second or third. He eroded her confidence. He made her quit work. He isolated her from friends and family. She had several children with him. She is totally controlled by him now. She is well educated, a lovely person, kind, funny, so capable and incredibly beautiful (model level beautiful). No clue what she ever saw in him. She is now raising children to think this is how a marriage looks and the cycle will repeat. You’re so much smarter than her because you recognised straight away the relationship is over. End it now. She is twenty odd years on. A shell of who she was. Make plans and leave safely as soon as you can. It will never be right now and that’s all on him. I genuinely wish you the very best.

It’s not too late to do something about it
you know you need to end it , the window to do that hasn’t closed.

It’s all such a fucking cliche. People love him and think he’s such a great guy.

I’m so sorry this happened to you, it must have been a huge shock. You feel frozen and that’s completely understandable, but you’re not - you have choices and like you say, you know what you have to do.
Many many years ago, well before I met and married DH I lived with a man who hit me. Not often, (not that any amount is ok!) but I forgave him for the first few times for reasons you mention above (older me is very annoyed with younger me for that!), but as you describe, the love went away and disgust replaced it and I did leave. I don’t regret it - I wish I’d done it sooner.
5 years after I left him I met DH and have never looked back. You can do this.

Are any of your children girls? What would you advise them to do if this happened to them? Do that!

You probably saw pale pink flags earlier and put them to the back, now they are full on red ones. So sorry your life has come to this. Big Girl Pants on now. A new experience of Divorce and Freedom awaits.

So sorry this happened. Just because you didn't take action while you were still in shock doesn't mean you can't do something now. Start getting your ducks in a row and speak to as many experts as you can. Blaming yourself is counterproductive now. Forgive yourself . You are human. Best of luck
Try to update if you can
Hugs

Male here, once is too many times. You need to get rid, he's a scumbag

It’s shocking just to read about a man punching a woman. To forgive this behaviour and stay in the relationship is unthinkable.

Make him your ex, ASAP.

There really isn’t anything more to say.

Would definitely recommend counselling - highly recommend a charity called Big Moose who will provide 4 appts with a therapist for free/low charge, fill in application form and they’ll have you with a therapist within 48 hours!
I did leave but my feelings are still very mixed, currently he’s playing Mr Nice guy but I’ve seen the other side and so am very wary of everything!

Thank you to all who replied. I can’t tell you how much better I feel for bringing this into the open, even just virtually. It had galvanised me, and I’ve had a few days away with work which has given me great thinking space.

Not rushing but I have a plan and that starts with therapy. Mentally entirely disconnected from him and ready to move on.