When is the right time and do you ever know?

[OptimisticFather]

I posted a couple of weeks ago as I exited a three year relationship due to my ex-partner relocating far away and was a bit confused with how things were handled, that I'd been taken advantage of, and how to move forward. It has been super helpful to hear from others experiences, so thank you to everyone who reads and takes the time to respond.

My last relationship ended in December, but ended prior since she informed me she was moving 250 miles away and had no interest in a long distance relationship. I'm very much over my ex and have no interest in a relationship if she decided to come back. The house sale is still going through and will be moving into rented for a short while until I buy a house.

I joined some dating sites and have been on three dates with the same person. Drinks, Dinner and a fun activity type date. We've suggested going out again for dinner tomorrow.

After three dates, I am now conflicted. I have moments where I think I shouldn't have joined dating sites, and this is going too quickly and should have taken time to properly heal. I'm a really nice guy and did so much for my ex and worry that my next relationship I will be taken advantage of again. Do I need to sort my house purchase and get myself settled first?

There are moments where I worry that I will be alone forever and the only reason that I am interested in this other person is because of that. Moments thinking she is pretty cool, and we seem to get on, and what happens if 'she is the one' and fear the missed opportunity.

I don't want to lead her on as I don't think that's right. We've not been intimate and I am not that kind of guy and if its not right, I would rather make that decision before it does.

But I don't know - how do you know if you are ready? Should you fear missing out and make it work? Is it fair on the other person if we were to continue if I am not sure I am? How do you even go explaining?

I really hate hurting people, causing disapointment and wasting her time. I feel like I've done that already going on more than two dates.

Thanks for reading! Any advice gratefully received.

Have you had a conversation with the new person about what you both want, relationship wise?

I cant advise regarding if its too soo for another relationship.
I've been single for almost 7 years and I still don't feel ready to have any sort of relationship.

But I'm not worried about being on my own for the rest of my life.

I think it may be helpful to look at why you feel like you need another person to complete your life. Is there something missing? I am 14months out of a 23 yr abusive relationship and am tentatively starting to date again, but this is only because I want some fun and think it will add to my life, rather than fill a void. I’d say to listen to your body and whether you feel excited about seeing them, or anxious/drained thinking about expectations. I wonder if asking the question in itself perhaps has answered it for you - that something just doesn't feel right?

Well, which is it? Are you ‘very much over my ex’ or in need of ‘time to heal’?

From your post, it sounds to me as if you should stop stringing this new person along half-heartedly — you’re only dating out of some fear of being alone forever, and it’s not fair on the other person.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really do appreciate it!

I am feeling anxious about tomorrow. I've not booked a table and almost do not want to. I know when I got there, things would be nice and lovely, we would talk over dinner and it will be a lovely evening, but worry it will set expectations of a future date.

You are correct, something just doesn't feel right, but not sure if that's just me overthinking everything.

Thank you for responding and providing a very straight answer!

I am over my ex, as in, there are no romantic feelings left there and once the house sale is complete, I have no reason/desire/interest to communicate with her.

However there are moments where I fear that I have not taken the time to properly understand why the relationship ended, how I can avoid being taken advantage of again, and how I can be a better partner. This could be me overthinking (as I do that a lot) and not embrasing the future.

I don't want to string anyone along.

I guess, how do I know that I am ready? I feel maybe I am not based on some of the responses received.

Ok. The guy I was dating for a short period of time stepped out of the relationship recently because he had fear - fear that he is not good enough, that we won't make it work, that he hasn't processed past relationships, that he will hurt me at some point down the line.... And here is the truth. None of us show up for a relationship perfect. We all have our own things to deal with. The only thing that shows you that you are ready is that, when fear strikes, you still want to lean in. Not out.
If you don't want to lean in, you are not ready.

It’s only been weeks since your last relationship ended. This is the time to be concentrating on sorting out your life and finances, spending time with your friends, and reflecting on who you are and what you want your life to look like. That’s what “embracing the future” looks like - not immediately trying to find a replacement girlfriend because you’re not used to being alone or want to prove to yourself that you’re over your ex. It’s not overthinking to be unsure about things when you’ve barely been single a month.

You haven’t wasted anyone’s time by going on three nice dates and then deciding it isn’t right for whatever reason. That’s what dating is for. Does this woman know how recently your ex left and that you’ve still got all the practicalities to work out and a shared house to sell? Kindly, I’d run a mile from a man in that situation, most women with their heads on straight would, nobody wants to be somebody’s rebound caught up in the middle of their transition period. I’d suggest that for her not to feel the same way probably indicates she has a bit of her own work to do with herself and isn’t going to represent any sort of stability for you.

Listen to yourself. You’ve said up the thread that you feel reluctant to book a table for the next date. That’s telling you something. Don’t dismiss it as ‘overthinking’.

If your date messaged to say she’s got the flu, would you be relieved? If she said she wasn’t feeling it, and thanks for the nice times, would you be relieved?

Thank you all, you've really helped gather my thoughts. It's not the right time, and its unfair to continue. I feel a little guilty but guess this is the point of dating, and know not to jump in next time.

All dating apps deleted. Time to work on me.

Thank you all.