Moving in with my partner and his son

[ByAlertViewer]

Hi, I’m 35 (f) and my partner is of the same age. We are in a 2 year relationship and recently discussed moving in together.
He has 50% custody of his child. Me and the son get on okay. Sometimes he loves me, other times not so much. We have briefly discussed finances, but nor had any other conversations as with regards to what he expects from me once living together. I guess the reason for my post is to seek advice and guidance from anyone who has been in my position. I want to be part of their family. I want to feel wanted. I also acknowledge that his child will always come first. On the other hand I am scared of losing my identity. Will I be able to maintain my freedom? He is a very independent individual and I am confident that on the days where it is just us two, he won’t care about me stepping out to see a friend or go to the movies. However, when the child is there, would it be rude of me to do my own thing? I am expected to cook for the child every day? I have never dated a man with a child before now, and, likewise I have never moved in with a man. I’ve always had my own place and owned a property with my ex. This time it feels different, because the house I would be moving into is not mine, but theirs. As far as the child is concernee, my partner is quite a strict parent and is very disciplined with his son. I am therefore not worried about his son acting up, but children will always children and where does that leave me if he does or says something that I am
not happy with? For context we both work full time and his son is 6. Thank you. I appreciate any feedback.

I think you both need to be on the same page on this so a full and frank conversation is the first thing. And, if you can't have that conversation then that is a very good reason not to move in together. And, it isn't a conversation just about what he expects but what YOU expect and need from the situation. So, please do think through the situation carefully and articulate it with your DP.

While his son will be his priority, you need to be very clear what you will and will not feel comfortable doing with and for your DP's son, and what the financial arrangements will be. It is one thing to spend time with them both when his DS is with your DP, but are you comfortable helping your DP with school drop offs/pick ups, cooking meals, babysitting etc?

MN is full of posts by women in your situation who end up looking after their partner's child while their partner is out at the gym/down the pub, and feel used and trapped. And, also end up paying to subsidize their DP's children from a prior relationship.

Why would you be cooking for his son when you both work full time?

Don't move in for now.
Don't become the cook cleaner nanny

I want to feel wanted.

What's at the root of this? How far will you go and how much are you prepared to offer/lose to 'feel wanted'?

How old is his DS? Before you even think about moving in have a full and open discussion about expectations on both sides - don’t become a nanny with a fanny

I think you could take the list of concerns to your DP before you agree to move in. However why are you wording them like questions that he will decide? For each point you need to get clear on what you are and arent willing to do, and let him know (and only compromise where you truly don’t mind, as much as he will).

on a side point, I think it would be much more usual for you to arrange your evenings out etc when he has the child so that he and his child can get bonding 1-1 time, and then you can spend adult time with your partner and do date nights when his child isn’t there.

if I were in your shoes I would do a trial first. Even if you have to engineer this eg ‘my hot water is broken I need to move in with you for a week’ so that you can see what day to day life with them might be like.

you also need to get very clear on whether you want your own child with him first and ensure he’s on the same page

Start as you mean to go on @ByAlertViewer . Too many women do too much at first then feel overburdened later. Have an honest chat and set your limits now, if he's expecting you to do more than you're comfortable with you'd be better living apart

Neither you nor the son (especially the son) seem ready for this. I’m guessing he is keen to have a nanny with a fanny move in.

I would not rush into move in with him at this time. Further conversations need to be had. Expectations need to be met and set out. Also you need a back up plan in case you moving in with him goes sideways (as it can do very quickly).
If you do move in with him do not do so without getting a cohabitation agreement drawn up beforehand.

What is at the heart of your thoughts re, "I want to feel wanted". You may want to explore that more in counselling sessions.

Dont give up a home (if youre renting) to move in until you’ve had full discussions. If it goes pear shape where will you go? Renting again will be a nightmare esp when running from a break up. You will be very vulnerable.
PP have said “Nanny with a Fanny!” Take care with that idea too. School drop offs etc. Toxic ex who will dump on you. Disruptive confused kid?
It’s a huge step. Take your time.
Protect your peace at all costs.

Don’t do it. You will regret it.

What are your thoughts on marriage?

Why would you be doing all the cooking for his son?
Before you move in, you 100% need to know exactly what life will look like for you. Otherwise, you’ll be in danger of falling into the unpaid nanny role

I wouldn't move in under these circumstances. You say sometimes the son loves you, sometimes not so much. That's the biggest sticking point right there. How does his son really feel about this?

Your partner and you seem to have had not had in depth discussions about how this will work. That's concerning. You should be going into this with everything worked out ahead of time, not working things out as they go.

You want to feel loved. Don't you already?

I think you run a big risk of becoming the live-in bangmaidnanny here with a child who doesn't really want you around.

Talk about school holidays and his son's sick /snow days.

Schools have at least 13 weeks holiday a year. Most working people have 5 weeks so two parents usually don't have enough. How does he manage the extra cover.

Finances - he needs to pay all his ds' costs including food. Children cost a lot to feed, increasing rapidly as they get older.

I suggest you keep your home and rent it out for 6 months, while you test the relationship.

The fact that you’re asking all these questions and seem not to feel able to fully explore them with your partner seems to indicate strongly that you are not ready to move in together.

Living with a 6 year old is indeed life changing (and will also change your relationship with your partner). There are really important issues here about what sort of step parent you want to be, how involved practically & emotionally, whether you are ready to be that step parent, and the effect on the child. Strongly urge putting moving in together on hold - until you have explored these issues properly with him & spent more time with this little boy. That absolutely does not mean you can’t build a future together as a family unit - just that you need to spend rather more time strengthening the foundations of your relationship first.

Nothing constructive to add other than I love this phrase!
Although, don't most Nannies have Fannies?

All of the questions in your post should be asked and discussed with your partner before you move in, rather than asked to random internet strangers. If you’re not able to ask him these basic questions then you’re not ready to move in. And for the sake of the child, don’t move into his home on a whim.

You are right to ask these questions before you embark on one of the toughest roles anyone can take on. Step parenting often involves fitting into roles where your time is not valued as your time, lack of appreciation of your sacrifices both emotional and financial and having to take a back seat when important family decisions are being made. Then the cutting 'you are not my real mother' or 'nothing to do with her because she's not his real mother' after 10 years of meeting his emotional and physical needs. And the classic having to use your AL to take care of your step son because 'if you love me you should love him just as much as me and do this'. Push back and you become the uncaring step parent.
You need to be very clear of expectations and boundaries and stick to them. Easier said than done.

Youre asking the wrong people, these shoyld only be addressed by your partner.

However i am a step mum and have gained 3 gorgeous kids who are all now adults. Its not always been butterflies and roses but ir has been super rewarding and o class kyself as very lucky.

I see my relationship as team work, not just 'his kids'. Ive fed them, taxi'd them, ckeaned after them, done homework, took them shopping, but only when ive been okay with that. I think the difference is the expectation has never been there, it has been my choice. Same as my husband looks after things that makes my life easier.

Just be on the same page before you do anything thats harder to undo

Oh another man wanting a Nanny with a fanny. 2 years is nothing, put your foot down and say you won't be moving in with him until his DS is 18. You can have a relationship without living together.

You need to more than briefly discuss finances let alone who's cooking dinner! What are you doing to protect yourself financially if you're moving into his property?

Thank you all for your messages. Being the first time I have ever posted on here, it feels quite overwhelming to see so many responses (in a good way) - I appreciate each response, feedback and guidance. I have taken a lot on board. Thank you again for your time

One thing that you may not be thinking of is your finances. Make sure you understand how that changes if you were to move in as a partner, or to become this man’s wife.

Have you actually spent a week away by yourselves?