Hi, this might be a strange question looking for advice and its possible Im the odd one here, but wondering what you think. My partner says that I am odd with this and there is no drama at all, but I think its because its all he knows. (sorry long post)...
I am in my early 50/s partner same age, he has 2 kids from 2 different women, I have no children, we have been together a good few years, engaged and live together too. We hardly ever argue unless its family/his kids and this is the issue.
Both of his relationships were very long term, as were mine, but his daughter in her mid 20s has become a kind of high maintenance spoilt madam with a mum who tells my partner he is a bad dad, his son who is 17 is really sweet and quiet, suffers from anxiety, which we are working on, both live with their mums, they see their dad, my partner, twice a week if not more and my partner always takes his son away some weekends in the year and does fabulous things with him, his daughter less as she lives 3 hours away. But always remains in contact with her, albeit her creating a scene most of the time when he does.
We also had grief from both of his exes telling him all sorts, both of these exes we had to block in the end to just get on with our lives which has solved the drama for now as it was affecting myself, which my partner said he would deal with and did by blocking them both. I know thats stress in itself :)
Both of us have different backgrounds, I just have a mum and dad together over 55 years, older brother and thats it really, we kind of keep ourselves to ourselves and private and I have had no drama really or had family issues in terms of too many difficulties, if anything very protected and looked after both financially and practically, not always emotionally but still we are close. They live 5 mins up the road and they love my partner and treat him like a son.
His family consists of his mum single 20 years after his step dad died she doesnt want to meet anyone else and has no money, so she does struggle but my partner helps her pretty much every now and again.She is in contact pretty much every week, she lives 3 hours away. His older brother who is a huge drinker and is very strong and gets drunk a lot and aggressive at times I find quite intense, his girlfriend really lovely, his sister strong and very judgemental with a lovely partner but his mum is very head strong too and judgemental too. His family are what I would call, very wired, never really want to get to know myself, its more its all about them, so I tend to just be quiet in their company and sit there wanting to go home as they are all so different from me in so many ways. I feel kind of awkward in their company.
Whenever we meet up, afterwards, I always feel overwhelmed and shattered, I also want to spend time alone and need time to myself, I know I am more of an introvert needing peace, whereas my partner is more wired/outgoing and loves seeing his family and speaking to them daily and seeing and spending time with me all the time which is lovely dont get me wrong but I am different, and after seeing his family I want to retreat and be left alone.
He doesnt always have the most empathic approach to situations, which results in myself retreating a lot to this room where I gain clarity and peace and it works for me, but how we see things is very different, so we tend to need space a lot, thats more me and this results in a row. This part of me he doesnt get at all.
With menopause on my mind as it hit me at 50, you do need more of your free time if you know what I mean :) it hit me hard more so with anxiety but being on HRT has helped hugely yet still have these moments alongside me being an introvert too, but Im trying more to see others its just I like my own time. He doesnt like being on his own or doing his own thing unless I am with him. However he is getting it and trying to adapt better.
I have addressed it many times, but I think the issue is how I have been brought up as in, its just how I am, its how my family are too and my brother also. So a huge family would in fact overwhelm me even though they are nice to me yet talk directly at me.
All the strong characters and opinions and judgements are too much at times, nobody ever really comes up and asks how I am, my partner pretty much speaks for us which can feel very competitive as its like a comparing match with what we are doing versus what they are doing.... and I just end up sitting there quiet and thinking get me out of here I want time alone, its never a few hour visits as they live around 1 hour - 3 hours away, so its a full on weekend.
It always results in a row whenever his daughter creates a drama too, my partner starts blaming himself for not being a good dad, yet he is, its hard when its 2 kids from different women and his daughter is miles away, she has suffered as a result but he is trying to help her sort things out, he is the one making the effort she has resulted in being distant... When his son doesnt go to college or needs him he wants to spend more time with him, which is sweet, its like I think because I dont have that same family dynamic on all accounts I find it too much and its just too draining is that normal/bad?. I am his grounding counsellor at times helping him resolve issues with his family and then afterwards I feel this resentment and exhaustion alongside it.
Also am I selfish saying no to family gatherings and their drunken parties when I dont drink too. Its hard as I love all my sports, reading, walking the dog, my job and calmness, its the extreme opposite in their lives, they love drinking, big parties/family gatherings and as Im getting older Im feeling I just dont want this, am I anti social? My partner says I am and that I need to get over this and start combatting this so that his son, daughter and his family get to know me better but nobody really asks any questions to get to know me its always me asking them or sorting them out or my partner.
My partner says, so what am I going to explain to my family about you? you tell me what is best as they will think its odd you not wanting to come along or you not staying at times, is it odd? can I say yes to some and no to others?
His daughter wants to stay at my house but my partner has mentioned they need to build a better bond for this to happen, as her partner called him all sorts of names at a family gathering he got drunk at in Nov last year and he is currently in AA with his drinking habit, he is 25 and is in and out of AA quite a lot. Which has created a really difficult issue with all family members.
What is interesting is my partner says, I shouldnt be getting stressed as its his family and its not affecting me as he is the one dealing with it, yet he doesnt realise I am part of it as well its his family and Im with him they come with him.
Im kind of stuck what to do really, as it makes me feel really low yet anxious and feel we can never get a middle ground?
any suggestions would be hugely appreciated :)
So sorry for the long post but hugely grateful for reading this x