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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to do about toxic friend

18 replies

Nanalovesnature · 01/02/2026 14:46

I know what to do really, I have to distance myself from her, and I have begun this process. I have a very one sided friendship with this person, we talk almost exclusively about her, she is retired but talks constantly about when she worked, when she went to uni, how clever she is. She is married with two grown up sons 40 and 38 who still live at home, no relationships. She is critical of my sons and my husband. She thinks it's terrible I look after my grandchild sometimes, she thinks that would be awful. She is so relieved she will never have grandchildren, she would hate the stress and the responsibility. I dread seeing her, she drags me down, I feel dejected after I have seen her. I have started reducing the amount of messages between us, keeping my responses short. I will see her less often. I am just wondering whether anyone else has any experience of detaching themselves from a friend who has become toxic to them.

OP posts:
Thesofathatwas · 01/02/2026 14:50

On the surface the answer to that seems very very simple.. block and forget but I can’t work out why you are unwilling or unable to just do that?

I suspect it’s because you are a lovely person, but it might be time to rip that plaster off & just do it.

Justbecauseyoucandoesntmeanyoushould · 01/02/2026 14:56

I have distanced myself from a couple of manipulative former friends. Blocked one completely. The other lives nearby so I sometimes bump into them but I keep it brief and frosty!

BadgernTheGarden · 01/02/2026 14:56

Toxic and friend don't belong in the same sentence. You are not friends.

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 14:59

Are you local to one another?

thepariscrimefiles · 01/02/2026 15:00

I wonder whether she is secretly jealous that you have grandchildren and she doesn't. Whether that is the case or not, she is really rude to criticise your sons and your husband and to keep telling you that it is terrible that you look after your grandchild. It's none of her business.

I would just stop contacting her and stop responding to her messages. She doesn't bring anything positive to your life. if she asks you directly, tell her that you don't have anything in common any more and that you obviously no longer enjoy each other's company.

FateAmenableToChange · 01/02/2026 15:06

If youre not likely to bump into her and dont have any mutual friends you can just block and forget her! Otherwise a slow grey rock fade, always too busy to meet, works as well.

OvernightBloats · 01/02/2026 15:08

Phase her out gradually if you don't want to hurt her feelings. No point continuing to see her if she drags you down and you dread seeing her.

Be brief and distant if she tries to contact you. She will soon get the message.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/02/2026 15:11

I also suspect that she's jealous of you and your life and so she's using every opportunity to try to drag you down so she feels better about herself. Which means she's probably dreadfully insecure and likely a really appalling friend in every dynamic.

You are right to withdraw from her.

Nanalovesnature · 01/02/2026 15:15

Thanks everyone for your replies. We do live locally to each other and we do have mutual friends which is why it's harder. She became much worse when I told her my daughter in law was pregnant and she ghosted me for 2 months. I am not allowed to talk about my grandchild, she glazes over and changes the subject when I do accidentally mention them so I have no doubt that she is jealous. I am cutting the chord and moving in the right direction and thank you for the replies you have been very supportive and helpful 💗

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 01/02/2026 15:19

Nanalovesnature · 01/02/2026 15:15

Thanks everyone for your replies. We do live locally to each other and we do have mutual friends which is why it's harder. She became much worse when I told her my daughter in law was pregnant and she ghosted me for 2 months. I am not allowed to talk about my grandchild, she glazes over and changes the subject when I do accidentally mention them so I have no doubt that she is jealous. I am cutting the chord and moving in the right direction and thank you for the replies you have been very supportive and helpful 💗

You are absolutely in the right. ANYONE who tells me what I'm 'not allowed' to talk about gets the bum's rush!

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 15:20

Nanalovesnature · 01/02/2026 15:15

Thanks everyone for your replies. We do live locally to each other and we do have mutual friends which is why it's harder. She became much worse when I told her my daughter in law was pregnant and she ghosted me for 2 months. I am not allowed to talk about my grandchild, she glazes over and changes the subject when I do accidentally mention them so I have no doubt that she is jealous. I am cutting the chord and moving in the right direction and thank you for the replies you have been very supportive and helpful 💗

You have mutual friends…. Is she like this with them?

ThatCyanCat · 01/02/2026 15:23

Based solely on what you say, it sounds like she's jealous because her sons haven't launched and seem unlikely to have kids, and she needs to tell you how clever she is because she's trying to bolster her own self esteem.

IsawwhatIsaw · 01/02/2026 15:36

if you consistently feel worse after seeing a friend, what’s the point seeing them?

Nanalovesnature · 01/02/2026 15:41

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 15:20

You have mutual friends…. Is she like this with them?

Yes she is very critical and outspoken about everyone whilst waxing lyrical about how brilliant she is and how perfect her family situation is. Most people can't be bothered with her and my husband hates her. Initially I felt sorry for her but now I have had enough.

OP posts:
Nanalovesnature · 01/02/2026 15:42

IsawwhatIsaw · 01/02/2026 15:36

if you consistently feel worse after seeing a friend, what’s the point seeing them?

There is no point which is why I am working towards not seeing her any more.

OP posts:
Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 15:51

Nanalovesnature · 01/02/2026 15:41

Yes she is very critical and outspoken about everyone whilst waxing lyrical about how brilliant she is and how perfect her family situation is. Most people can't be bothered with her and my husband hates her. Initially I felt sorry for her but now I have had enough.

So you’re her only friend?
or do your mutual friends also roll over when she behaves like this?

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 15:52

Nanalovesnature · 01/02/2026 15:42

There is no point which is why I am working towards not seeing her any more.

Op you are a mature woman.
Come on now, this is really very straightforward.
Dont message
Don’t reciprocate messages

justtheotheronemrswembley · 01/02/2026 16:02

Nanalovesnature · 01/02/2026 15:42

There is no point which is why I am working towards not seeing her any more.

Working towards it? How long is that going to take?

I wouldn't worry about hurting her feelings. She has no qualms about offending you and insulting your family.

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