Just told him it's over. Feel sick.

[CeciliaMars]

I've posted on here before about how our marriage hasn't been good for a while. We had a trial separation for the whole of January, and last night we met to discuss what we should do next. I went into the conversation genuinely unsure of what to do, wanting to hear what he had to say. He said he wanted to come home, but nothing about seeing things needed to change, he understood why I felt like I did etc. He just got defensive again like he always does. He said all his friends are in unhappy marriages, as if that somehow made it OK. He said he missed us (me and the kids) but at no point that he loved me and wanted to make it work. He has physical and mental health problems. He actually said last night 'If it weren't for the kids, I'd drive into a tree'.
I told him I felt it was over.
I have felt sick all night and still do this morning. I don't think it's because I think I have done the wrong thing - I think it's because I have set something catastrophic in motion. He came to pick up the kids this morning and wouldn't even look at me. I feel so sick. Any advice please?

Be kind to yourself and invest in self care. A new face cream, a trip to the gym/nature, a good book/movie.
It sounds like you thought really hard and made the best decision you could under the circumstances, it won't be catastrophic.
So let this feeling pass, it is normal.

Thank you for your kind words.

I felt physically sick when I told my H (now XH) it was over. Similarly, he couldn’t really see how things needed to change. He also had physical and mental health issues but never fully engaged with helping himself. He tried after we separated but never really changed because he didn’t want to!
It was tough. I don’t think many people leave a long-term relationship lightly.
You’ll have a challenging time the next few weeks as you navigate the future, but honestly, it’s worth it. I’m 4 years down the line now and I’m so much happier. DD (13 yo) is happier. She’s actually hardly seeing her Dad now. Things blew up a while ago and she’s stepped back. XH got with someone new within a month..so although I ended it, I realised he had one foot out of the door already.
In the last 4 years, I have got promoted, got back into the gym, started eating better, got control of my finances (that’s been a challenge), met a lovely new fella - we have a lovely relationship but we don’t plan to live together for a long time because it would be complex to blend families.
It gets better. For now, I agree with what cardamomandlemons suggests. Longer term, ducks in a row. Finances - look at entitledto.com to see if you’re eligible for any benefits. Have a think about division of assets - generally start at 50/50 and work from there. Please don’t feel guilty about ‘causing’ this. There’s 2 of you in this marriage and it’s not only you who can’t make this work. Be kind to yourself.

You need to be gentle to yourself, first and foremost. It takes courage to step out into the unknown, getting out of something that you are used to, but ultimately unhappy with. You did that, and that is good. Your nerves are not giving you peace for now, you feel sick - it just just a sign of the huge step you took, and also that you have a heart and feelings... You are not wrong to feel these feelings, it will get easier with time. But going back to my original point: Be patient with yourself..

You are not responsible for someone else’s mental health and using it to blackmail you is unacceptable. It doesn’t sound as if your husband has not addressed any of his issues, something he could have done during the past month. It is natural that he has missed the family set up, but you cannot live the rest of your life with someone who does not recognise their role in making a happy family.
Good advice up thread from others.

Sounds like you’ve done the right thing op. 💐

“It doesn’t sound as if your husband has not addressed any of his issues, something he could have done during the past month” Sorry I seem to have written this as a double negative!
I meant that he hasn’t addressed his mental health issues.

You've been very brave and should be proud of yourself. You clearly have solid introspection and recognise deep down that you deserve better than, well, someone who has none.

You are on a path of growth and change and with the capability to flourish. Where as he, has no capacity...or at least, no motivation in this relationship, to take that path. If you stayed with him he would only drag you down into a dark pit of despair.

Floweryness asside, he sounds like a twat and you're going to feel so much better once he's fully shifted.

It's a tough process to go through and the only way is through the middle. Be kind to yourself. Talk to trusted friends. I promise once you are out the other side you will feel a calm. The practical stuff is hard but you will be ok. My split was grim but I got through it and you will too. Sending a hug OP

I remember that moment all too well @CeciliaMars. One minute we were driving to the supermarket, the next, he'd asked me what I wanted to do (we'd been working on things for a while) and I just said it.

It like a light switch. I wanted to turn the light back on again, but couldn't. I couldn't make myself unsay it.

I'm much older than you though and many, many years down the line. It was 100% the right thing. And life goes back to (new) normal again.

OP him telling you that there are many unhappy marriages out there is him attempting to keep you where he needs you, as things are, without doing the work, and use that excuse. He rather keep you unhappy around him, than let you go because he loves you. Sounds a bit off.

Ending a relationship is tough, but you will find as time goes by how easy things are, and that whatever he has said to you in regards to his own life, will never be on you if he chooses an attempt on it. That will be his own decision so rest assure you are allowed to move on, and be happy.

Sounds like he is trying to control you by not acknowledging you, and be prepared for any attempt from him winning you back, then become irate and possibly hostile, anything to keep you both unhappy and on tender hooks.

You are doing great. Stick to your guns 💪

Yep, I second all of the above. You know in your gut this is right and you have followed it. Keep listening to that instinct. Well done for being so strong and brave.

I disagree with the above poster that you simply need a new face cream / scented candle and pampering to get you through. You will need more than that - firstly to acknowledge to yourself that this is hard. Your gut instinct is right but it doesn’t make it easy whatsoever. Seek a course of counselling for yourself at this time. If you can’t afford private then Google low-cost therapy in your area and go for that.

It will ebb and flow between days when it feels easy and days when you will struggle. Know this, and seek the support you need now to underpin your life changes and help you moving forward. Good luck!

This bit is HARD, OP - there are some resonances between your situation and mine, and for the two weeks after the decision was made and spoken I was regularly in tears, just struck by these huge feelings of grief and overwhelm. Over the past few months I've become a lot more practised at noticing the emotions as they come and kind of... welcoming them, I suppose, sometimes if I'm alone even acknowledging them out loud.

It's totally natural to have these enormous emotions, even if it is the right decision. Things have settled down for me even a few months in even if we are still struggling in the awful limbo of living together.

If he threatens to drive into a tree or similar again tell him that you will call the police and ask for a welfare check. That will shut down any coersive threats like that. And in the chance he is serious, you have done all you can to help.

You said it yourself, he has mental health problems. I believe he suffers low self esteem, this can effect the way a man sees his female partner. You must ask within yourself if the marriage is worth saving. Marriage is beautiful in my view, i took it seriously when i was dating and trying to find that girl. Counselling may solve the issue.